Tag Archives: self help books

How Busy Entrepreneurs Are Finding Inner Peace

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

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Despite challenges, busy entrepreneurs are finding inner peace. It takes creativity and flexibility, but it can be done. Creativity and flexibility are must because entrepreneurs juggle a seemingly endless list of to-dos.

Sales, improved return on investment (ROI), attracting the right human capital and increasing productivity are areas that small business entrepreneurs focus on day in and day out. When sales are up and ROI is good, these focus areas can send entrepreneurs, including owners of indie bookstores, into a wave of euphoria. It’s easy to feel at peace then. Yet, the world of operating a small business isn’t always smooth.

Stressors for Small Business Owners

There’s turnover, eroding team morale, economic headwinds and fierce product competition to deal with. During these times, small business owners’ stress levels can skyrocket. Even the most resilient entrepreneur can feel overwhelmed after living through just three weeks of employee resignations, a drop in sales and a pick-up in customer complaints.

That’s why smart entrepreneurs do more than seek paths from nagging stress to inner peace, they find stress reduction shortcuts. Although each person is different, following are some paths that entrepreneurs have taken to reduce stress:

  • Stay focused on long-term goals. As a bookseller, if I’ve heard this once, I’ve heard it a thousand times. Keep your sights on the long-term goals. Admittedly, the capacity to pull this off relies a lot on the next stress reduction step.
  • Believe that they can succeed. It’s not enough to keep your sights on long-term goals. You actually need to believe that you can be successful doing what you love. You really have to believe it.
  • Strong financial habits. This applies at the individual and business levels. To operate with inner peace, entrepreneurs know what to invest in and what to turn away from. Additionally, they pay employees, consultants and freelancers based on what their business can sustain long-term.

Keys to How Entrepreneurs Are Finding Inner Peace

Staying in balance and at peace is no small trick. Hence, the reason entrepreneurs committed to living in peace have a dozen or more tools in their kit, including:

  • Determination is a must. To keep stress down and to deal with stress in healthy ways, they are determined. Simply put, determination fuels entrepreneurs through a major mistake. As an example, if your sales team closed 35% more deals over the last two years than at any other time in your company’s history and you started celebrating too soon or celebrated for too long only to see large clients exit, it’s your determination to succeed that could surface new ideas. This very example has happened. And it’s understandable. After all, sales are why you’re a for-profit organization. You should celebrate. To keep your bottom line strong, you should also keep your eye on your existing customers and not just celebrate each new customer who walks through the door. Focusing too much on either and not enough on the other could cost you large chunks of business.
  • Persistence is a must-have in a successful entrepreneur’s toolkit. While they persist, busy entrepreneurs are sure to be flexible. The last thing they will do is persist with a tactic that’s never going to work. Yet, they don’t give up. Instead, they are willing to look at the situation differently. They’re also willing to ask others for insight. Getting input from the right people opens them up to new opportunities, new ideas and more success.

Organic Paths to Inner Peace

As beneficial as these stress reducers are, there are more ways that busy entrepreneurs are finding inner peace. These next steps are good for business; they also have a positive impact on business owners’ overall health. Try adding one to three of these steps into your day, even if you own an indie bookstore and face days crammed with meetings with bookstore buyers, authors, publishing companies, distributors, publicists and marketing reps.

  • Get outside, move and breathe. Entrepreneurs serious about finding inner peace, get outside regularly. Regardless of where their business is located, they find creative ways to get outside year-round. While outside, they might enjoy a 30-minute walk. Or they might dine outdoors with a friend, ride a bike or exercise at a nearby gym that has an outdoor workout area.
  • Feed their body nourishing food and beverages. This means they might have to go with fresh water with a slice of lemon for lunch and dinner meetings. Eating green, leafy vegetables and fresh fruits that agree with their body is a priority.

More Ways Busy Entrepreneurs Are Finding Inner Peace

  • Meditate. Yes. Entrepreneurs are finding inner peace through appreciation. They appreciate simply sitting down and being still. They might start off by sitting still for two minutes in the morning and another two minutes at night. If that seems too long, they might start with one minute in the morning and another minute of stillness at night and work their way up to five to ten minutes twice a day. Not only can meditating bring entrepreneurs more inner peace, but meditating can help surface new business growth ideas.
  • Invest in a good night of sleep. Going to bed at the same time and reducing blue light in their bedrooms are ways entrepreneurs improve sleep. So too is drinking organic cherry juice or eating cherries, as cherries have natural melatonin. Perhaps above all, entrepreneurs are finding inner peace by working through conflicts an hour or more before they head to bed, giving their mind time to unwind.

Trust The Process

As simple as it sounds, they also seek help. That’s right. Entrepreneurs are finding inner peace by asking business partners to take on certain responsibilities. This one might be tough at the start of their careers, especially if they’re accustomed to handling critical projects themselves. Over time, they learn that as their business continues to grow, they need to start delegating.

Even more, for these business owners, seeking help aligns with trust. Since no one can succeed in an island-business environment, they learn early that they have to trust others.

Using an indie bookstore as an example, bookstore owners trust the delivery drivers to get new books to their stores. And they trust utility workers to ensure that the lights are on at their stores. Another event that they trust is the flow of book buyers into their bookstores. When it comes to stress reduction and inner peace, trusting the process (after they’ve done their best) is paramount.

Resources:

entrepreneur.com/article/271055

Why Journal Writing Is Good For You

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By Novelist and Book Writer Denise Turney

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Journal writing is growing in popularity and for good reason, especially as it regards self-awareness. Yet, that doesn’t mean that the benefits are obvious. If you’ve felt stuck or like you’re living on a hamster wheel, you may be aware that hidden beliefs could sabotage your success. You also might know that it can take weeks or years of therapy or self-help work to identify and remove these sabotaging thoughts.

Journal Writing to Discover Hidden Beliefs and Open Up to Self-Awareness

What you might not be aware of is how effective writing in a journal could be in surfacing erroneous beliefs. However, to work, you can’t just write in journals every now and then. To gain from journal writing, it’s a good idea to do daily journaling. In addition to creating a brain routine, writing in a journal every day could help you to notice behavioral, emotional or mental shifts that you might otherwise have missed. This leads to the first benefit that you could gain after you start writing in a journal.

That first benefit is self-awareness. This is an important benefit because without self-awareness, you might not know that something is off. When you consider how fast things change in this world, not to mention how many distractions you face each day, it’s easy to see how you could overlook a slight change that’s building into a big problem.

Internal Shifts That Happen When Working with Journals

It’s these missed shifts that could develop into internal blocks. For example, if you were told that “you’re a slow learner” when you were a kid, you could have the seed to a potential block in your mind. After being told that as a kid, let’s say that you grew up and hadn’t heard anyone say anything about your learning abilities in two decades only to have someone comment that “you’re slow” this afternoon. Just hearing that could cause you to experience an internal shift.

But you might not be aware that you’d shifted. You might even shrug the comment off, telling yourself that another person’s voiced opinion has absolutely no impact on you. As good as that sounds, what you tell yourself is happening might not mirror exactly what’s going on.

Another point to consider is how one erroneous belief could cause a negative domino effect, which is certainly not what you’d want. Therefore, the sooner you spot and identify an internal shift, the better.

Writing in Journals Sharpens Self-Awareness

So, how does writing in journals sharpen self-awareness? Writing in a journal:

  • Puts mental and emotional states that you’re dealing with in front of you
  • Keeps these mental and emotional states in awareness, allowing you to work through them with power
  • Helps you dig through internal blocks, offering rewards with each breakthrough

If you write your dreams in journals, you could also start to spot subconscious routines that are holding you back quicker. Due to the fact that journaling is a private activity, you might enjoy the comfort that what you write is for you only. Years ago, there were journals that had a lock on them, a way to potentially offer more privacy. Today, you could simply keep your journals in a drawer or a locked space. The point is to feel comfortable with becoming more self-aware. Another point is to welcome the act of allowing different thoughts and emotions to surface from within you.

This is more helpful than repressing feelings and thoughts that you don’t want to face. It’s worth mentioning that it takes honesty and courage to do the type of journal writing that digs and brings erroneous beliefs to the surface (or to the level of your conscious mind). So, keep at it. In addition, reward yourself for being honest and open. The payoff could be deep and long lasting.

More Journal Writing Benefits

As it regards payoff, check out the below benefits associated with writing in journals. Not only could you become more self-aware after you engage in daily journaling, you might improve your communications skills. Other reasons why journal writing may be good for you include:

  • Improved writing skills – With more people communicating online, via text messages and email, strong writing skills have proving to have impact.
  • Track and monitor personal and career goals – Consider using a journal to write down short-term and long-term goals, followed by actions that you will take to achieve those goals. Use journals to track your progress.
  • Become more mindful – The more you see the connection between what you tell yourself and how you feel, you might become more aware of the impact that your words are having on other people.
  • Sharper brain – Because you’re writing and not typing in journals, you can exercise different parts of your brain while you journal. The frontal lobe, the part of your brain that deals with cognitive functioning goes to work while you write.

Love Acts

  • Trust – As you allow beliefs and emotions to surface without hard judgments, you could become more self-accepting. Trust is another takeaway that you could gain. The more you write down what you’re feeling and experiencing, the more you might trust yourself to face things you’d previously kept hidden from yourself.
  • Healing – Releasing thoughts you’d previously repressed can reduce stress. It can also open you up to healing.
  • Reflection – Over the years, you can return to your journals to spot recurring themes in your life. You could also come to know what symbols in your dreams mean. Looking back through journals you wrote in decades ago can also give you better insight into what’s coming next in your life.

Writing in journals is a way to put the responsibility for your life in your hands. Start writing in journals and you may begin to see just how much your thoughts, what you focus on, fears that you’ve been running from and emotions that you find attractive are mapping out your life. Even more, as you continue daily journaling, you might notice your successes more. You actually might take the time to acknowledge and celebrate forward steps that you take. This could be when writing in journals becomes an act of love for you.

How Escaping Self-Deception Could Build Self-Esteem

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By Books Author and Novel Writer Denise Turney

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It’s time to face how you’re lying to yourself so you can start to build self-esteem. Why? Self-deception and self-esteem work in pairs. Engage in either and you’ll trigger the other, blinding yourself to empowering facts. But why is self-deception tempting? Well, it can appear to keep unwanted thoughts and emotions at bay.

It can serve as a defense system, allowing you to protect erroneous thoughts, even obvious facts that you need to face to recognize your innate greatness. According to Merriam-Webster, self-deception is “the act or an instance of deceiving oneself or the state of being deceived by oneself especially concerning one’s true nature, feelings, etc.”

Do You Engage in Self-Deception?

Each person engages in self-deception at different levels. Unfortunately, self-deception is far too familiar, even when reality if self-evident. It started at a young age for me. Examples of self-deception included smiling when I didn’t feel like it and then convincing myself that I was satisfied.

One instance, in particular, stands out. It was during the second-grade. The class was going to the circus. I didn’t want to go, instead preferring to spend the weekday evening with my parents and siblings. Teachers continued to announce to the entire class that all but two students had turned in their signed permission slips so that they could go to the circus.

Finally, the teachers told the class that one of the two students wasn’t going to the circus because his family was going out of town. That’s all that I needed to hear. Right away, I knew that the teachers were making it clear that they were waiting for my signed permission slip.

Personal Self-Deception Example

After speaking with my parents, I decided to go to the circus. My parents said that it was my choice, but, as my dad said, it was a rare opportunity and I might actually enjoy being at the circus. So, I went. But, I didn’t enjoy the circus. If anything, I learned what I didn’t like. Even more, I learned how poorly I felt ignoring myself in order to give into someone else’s wishes. Yet, that wasn’t all that happened.

On top of going to an event that I didn’t want to be at, when I spotted two teachers observing me at the circus, I smiled and “pretended” to be enjoying myself. Does that experience ever stand out to me. Today, it remains one (if not the first) of the earliest instances when I practiced self-deception and my self-esteem took a hit.

Bitterness from that first instance of practicing self-deception was directed toward the school teachers. However, the majority of self-deception that I’ve engaged in since has been in effort to avoid facing facts. Thankfully, today I practice awareness, build self-esteem and focus on awakening to steer clear of self-deception. Payoff is huge. It’s a blessing to stop practicing self-deception and free up the energy to do what brings you joy.

Reasons to Continue Awakening to Boost Self-Esteem

You might practice self-deception for different reasons. Additionally, you might engage in self-deception in different ways. Check out these examples of self-deception:

  • Procrastinating may be one of the more popular ways to practice self-deception. If you’re in conflict (one part of you wants to do something that another part of you doesn’t want to do), you might delay taking action. At the same time, you might keep saying how much you want to do what you keep putting off doing.
  • Drinking or eating too much to avoid facing a fact of life. If you drink or eat to the point of not feeling “sharp” or “on point”, you could blame not doing your best on the fact that you drank or ate too much. Then again, after you start awakening, you’ll have to admit that you made all of the decisions that caused this loop. Telling yourself the truth could make it easier for you to trust yourself and build self-esteem.
  • Convincing yourself that you’re little, unintelligent, don’t have enough authority, etc. to enact the changes that you want to see in your life.
  • Believing that a marketing technique, financial investment or habit will pay off hugely, in spite of the fact that you’re not getting out of your efforts what you’re putting in. If you’ve ever had a pipe dream, you’re familiar with this form of self-deception. Because self-deception doesn’t yield the results that you want, it’s not a way to build self-esteem.

Why You Might Practice Self-Deception

Reasons that you might practice self-deception may, at the core, be rooted in the desire to feel valued (another self-esteem link). The reasons might also be rooted in the desire to feel in control. As an example, if you believe that people with less than six-figures in the bank don’t have as much value as people who have six-figures or more in the bank, you could convince yourself that overspending is not damaging your financial health.

In this case, you might think that living as if you’re financially wealthy means that you are in good financial health. Build self-esteem and start awakening and it becomes self evident that you’re sucker punching yourself.

And, just as your self-esteem might take a jab should you fall for a trick that another person pulls on you, avoiding self evident facts by lying to yourself (practicing self-deception) could also weaken your self-esteem. After all, it takes courage to face a fact of life. It takes courage to really look at and examine what’s happening right in front of you.

Fact of Life

To do this, you might have to separate what you want from what you see. Back to the circus example. I wanted the teachers to be content with me without my having to do something I didn’t want to do. That was my desire. What I appeared to see with the teachers’ repeated request for the signed permission slips was the exact opposite of what I wanted.

How to bridge this gap? I pretended to be happy that I was at the circus and practiced self-deception. That single decision taught me, even if only temporarily, that I couldn’t trust myself. For sure, that’s not the way to build self-esteem.

Awakening is a great way to help yourself avoid self-deception. Instead of lying to yourself or pretending that something is happening that actually isn’t, accept what you’re currently feeling. Accept what you’re thinking right now. Look at and acknowledge facts, including personal, financial, health-related and relationship facts.

Let Go to Boost Self-Esteem

You don’t have to hold onto an emotion or a thought. Also, you don’t have to stay in a relationship or a situation that you don’t want to be in. You have choices. This could empower you to help yourself by accepting facts and reality.

But, first you have to face the fact of life that you see happening. Gaining weight? Accept that fact. Not getting on the scale won’t change that fact. It might help you to practice self-deception, but it won’t change what’s happening. And, it won’t build self-esteem.

Losing money on marketing ads? Look at the analytics and face what the numbers are showing you. Keep in mind that seeing that something isn’t working doesn’t mean that you have to abandon a goal. Using the marketing ads example, instead of no longer selling a product or service, you could reduce the amount of money you invest in those ads or you could try another marketing technique.

Awakening to Goodness

Should your awakening allow you to look at what’s going on in one or more of your relationships, consider your options. Instead of ending a relationship, you could try a different communication technique. Or, you could engage in deep conversation with the other person, offering them the safety of honestly telling you what’s working for them in the relationship as well as what they’d like to see change about the relationship.

Also, accept that you did not create yourself. Thoughts cannot change what you were created as. At your core, you’re good. Remember that as you have new experiences. Be patient with yourself, even should you get scared and become tempted to engage in self-deception. Face facts. Acknowledge what you see. Admit that you know what you know. Above all, continue to awaken.

Get Bold – Learn to Speak Up for Yourself

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

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Change isn’t the only constant in this world. Having responsibilities is another constant. In fact, there may never come a time when you aren’t asked to do something. It could be as simple as a friend asking you to babysit, a colleague asking you to fill in for him while he’s on vacation or aging parents requesting that you spend more time with them. The only ways around this may be to isolate yourself or (this one requires courage) to speak up for yourself.

Isolate or Speak Up

For instance, you could build a cabin in a remote area. Should you truly love the great outdoors, this could prove to be a good choice. Of course, you’d have to hope that no one else moved into the area or contacted you virtually, requesting something of you.

But that choice could impact your life in unexpected, and, maybe even unwanted ways. It might also put you in a mode of running from experiences that you don’t want instead of making choices that take you into experiences that cause you to feel joy. And who wants to spend their life running?

Fortunately, there’s another option open to you when it comes to dealing with constant requests, things that pull on your time and shift your focus and energy. You could learn to speak up for yourself. Love Pour Over Me’s Raymond Clarke may know this best. After all, he learned this lesson an emotionally hard way.

Why It’s Hard to Speak Up for Yourself

Hopefully, you’ll listen to what life is telling you and not suffer before you learn to speak up for yourself. Just be ready to face challenges, especially internal fear. After all, it sounds easy enough – speaking up for yourself. This choice sounds simple and easy. Yet, it can be one of the hardest things that you face.

Why?

When you learn to speak up for yourself, you risk disappointing the very people who’ve been leaning on you. You might frustrate and anger people who have been relying on you to help them fulfill their responsibilities. People who once drew near you might avoid you, gossip about you and stop speaking with you. That, or they might try to talk you into doing what they want you to do again.

Getting Comfortable with Conflict

According to Psychology Today, you might find it difficult to speak up for yourself, telling people “no” when they ask you to do something for them for several reasons. For starters, you might not like conflict. This is an item that I am way too familiar with. Just don’t like conflict. Years ago, my dislike for conflict found me saying “yes” to almost any request.

Didn’t matter how exhausted I was. I said “yes” to people whose schedules weren’t as jammed as mine. Then, my life became simply overwhelming. That’s when I learned to speak up for myself. And, yes – some people were taken aback, as they’d grown accustomed to me adhering to their requests. Know what? Just like Raymond Clarke in Love Pour Over Me, I got accustomed to the change. In time, the requesters also become familiar with how I was now speaking up for myself.

Outcome? Gone was the feeling of constantly being overwhelmed. Another benefit was that my self-respect went way up. On top of that, I had time to do what brought me joy. More peace also came to me.

Why You Might Feel Afraid to Say “No”

Those benefits alone are enough to learn to speak up for yourself. However, in addition to not liking conflict, others reasons why you might not want to speak up and tell someone that you don’t want to do something are because you don’t want to upset the person or you might fear hurting the person’s feelings.

Here are more reason why you might fear speaking up. Do any of these resonate? Have you caught yourself wrestling with any of the below challenges:

  • Growing up, you watched a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc. “give in” and repeatedly do whatever was asked of her/him
  • Believing that everyone “gives in” to what’s asked of them
  • Telling yourself that the requests are “small” and “no big deal”
  • Thinking that speaking up for yourself won’t change anything – convincing yourself that even if you say “no”, people will continue to ask you to do favors for them
  • Fearing that if you tell someone “no”, they won’t be there for you should you need them to do something for you

You could do what I did and absolutely wear yourself out trying to be all things to dozens of people. Take that approach and people may tell you how “sweet” you are and how much they love working with you. Howbeit, you also might get little sleep, feel agitated, unappreciated and like your life is out of your hands (or out of your control).

How to Speak Up for Yourself

Check out these ways to learn to speak up for yourself. As a tip, try to incorporate one to two of these actions into your life and see how much better you feel.

  • Start small – Tell someone whether you want to take on a small project or not. Be honest. Love yourself regardless of how the person responds.
  • Ask the requester to give you a few hours or a few days to get back to them. During that time, consider your priorities, what you want to focus on and if you’re willing to take away from your “rest and relaxation” time.
  • Offer to accept responsibilities that connect with goals and dreams that you have.
  • Consider taking on tasks that sharpen your leadership skills.
  • Ask someone who’s done what you’ve been asked to do what the experience is like. In other words, get advice and insight before you respond.
  • Let the person know that you’ll do what they ask, but will need to revisit the request after a certain number of days, weeks or months. Keep the door open for change.

You Teach People How to Treat You

Speaking up for yourself is a sign of self-respect. When you consider that you teach people how to treat you, it may become clearer how speaking up for yourself is an act of self-love. Even more, as you share your honest thoughts, including whether or not your schedule permits you to take on more responsibilities, however small those responsibilities appear, you show others how to value their time.

Considering that someone is watching you and learning from how you interact with others, you could also be empowering another person. As an example, you could empower a child, niece, nephew or friend as they watch you speak up for yourself in loving, healthy ways. As your time starts to free up, you also might start to nurture better relationships.

Your well being could improve. Also, what you’ll likely discover is that you have to learn to speak up for yourself in your personal, social, spiritual and work environments. That includes speaking up for yourself at worship centers, while attending social events and during office meetings. It’s a rewarding habit to get into. Once you start speaking up for yourself in healthy, loving ways – keep it up!

Resources:

  1.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201601/why-is-it-hard-say-no-and-how-can-you-get-better-it#:~:text=Many%20of%20us%20are%20afraid,or%20a%20supervisor%20or%20boss.

Peace Doesn’t Have to Be Hard: Quick Stress Reducers

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By Books Author Denise Turney

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Peace, even in a busy, confusing world, does not have to be hard. Understanding why you’re stressed is key to living in peace. So too is using quick stress reducers, easy techniques that work.

But first, why are you stressed? Reasons why you could feel stress are wide. In addition, the reason you could be feeling stress might be temporary or long-term. Topping some of the long-term stressors are unchallenging jobs, lengthy commutes, abusive relationships, money problems and chronic health issues.

Stress Causes

Two of these four reasons are way too familiar. Years ago, I worked a corporate job that saw me driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 35 miles a day. Total daily drive to and from work was 70 miles. It was a grueling commute, often finding me wondering why I kept making the trip.

It would be an understatement to say that the drive was stressful. Can still see myself hurrying my son through breakfast, then racing down the front sidewalk to the car. After I dropped my son off at preschool, I jumped back in my car and sped the rest of the way to work. To top it off, nearly half an hour passed after I got settled into work before I calmed. Did I ever need quick stress reducers.

Another stressor that I was familiar with has to do with money. Fortunately, that stressor is gone. But, there were years when I didn’t have $5 to spare. Despite an aim to think positively and consider blessings, living on a tight budget was a stress generator.

How Stress Effects the Brain

For you, there may be different stress generators. An argument with your spouse or partner could send you spiraling into stress for hours. On top of that, you might stay in an angry mood for days. Let arguing and fighting become a “normal” part of your relationship, and your relationship itself could become a major cause of stress for you.

Your chances to live a happy, peaceful and balanced life depend on how much stress you experience. This is a fact, in part, because of the effects that stress has on the brain. Very Well Mind shares that, “Stress can have negative effects on the body and the brain. Research has found that stress can produce a wide range of negative effects on the brain ranging from contributing to mental illness to actually shrinking the volume of the brain.”1

These effects may not occur until you’ve been experiencing chronic stress. And, again, that chronic stress could be caused due to a range of triggers. Job responsibilities, home repairs, social responsibilities and family obligations are other factors that could lead to stress. Let there be several or many different stressors and you could find yourself in a cycle of chronic stress.

Harmful Stress Effects

Back to the effects of stress on the brain, research has shown that chronic stress “creates more myelin-producing cells, but few neurons than normal.”1 Myelin-producing cells are related to communication. More specifically, stress can impact the brain’s white matter. It’s white matter than plays a role in how different parts of the brain communicate with each other.

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Stress has also been shown to destroy brain cells and might actually cause the brain to shrink. Additionally, stress can cause you to be more forgetful. Depression is another condition that has been linked to stress.

However, what you might not consider is how everyday stress can set you up to be weak or overly vulnerable should a traumatic event occur. As an example, if you’re juggling a marriage, raising children, a full-time job and are active at your worship center, you might enter a state of overwhelm should someone close to you transition.

Slight Daily Routine Shifts as Quick Stress Reducers

This is a major reason why it’s good to add quick stress reducers to your daily routine. Start small and build your way to incorporating more quick stress reducers into your life.

To begin, set aside one minute in the morning and another minute at night before you go to bed to just sit still. That’s it. Simply sit still for a minute after you wake in the morning. Then, sit still again one whole minute before you go to bed at night. Let this simple technique work. Just do it.

Quick Stress Reducers

Start to train your mind to relax. Another way to look at it is that you’re training your brain to rest. Doing so could see you looking for more ways to let go of stress. Following are more quick stress reducers that you could make part of your days:

  • Breathe deeply 10 times – Simply stop once or twice a day and take 10 deep breaths. There are deep breathing timers that you could use online. Some timers are designed to allow for as little as 30 seconds of deep breathing.
  • Walk in nature – Actually walking around a mall, your neighborhood or a local park can do wonders.
  • Write down what you’re concerned about – Rather than holding a worry in, write about it in a journal or diary.
  • Delegate – Instead of thinking that you’re responsible for doing all the work around your house, etc. start to delegate tasks to other family members, work partners, etc.
  • Watch a funny money – Oh! The wonders of laughter. Open up to more laughter.
  • Eat a healthy diet – Food and beverages impact the brain. Drink lots of fresh water and eat a healthy, balanced diet.
  • Exercise – Three or more times a week, get in at least 40 minutes of exercise.

Living With Less Stress

Although stress doesn’t feel good, you could become addicted to the way that you feel when you’re stressed. For instance, you might like the way that your body feels when it’s jacked up on adrenalin. Or you might like feeling drowsy as your brain works to deal with chronic stress.

Yet, if you give yourself the opportunity to let stress go, you might come to love how you feel when you’re relaxed and at peace. You also might love how you feel when your thoughts are clear and your memory is strong. Even more, don’t be surprised if you appreciate how your relationships improve and deepen as you live with less stress.

Also, should you have to face a trauma, living with less stress may equip you to deal with the unexpected event better than you would if you had to deal with chronic stress and the trauma. Therefore, consider being kind to yourself. Consider adjusting your schedule to allow room for quick stress reducers to become part of your daily routine.

Resources:

  1. https://www.verywellmind.com/surprising-ways-that-stress-affects-your-brain-2795040

Happiness Is a Choice: Shortcuts to Happiness

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By Books Author Denise Turney

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I remember the first time that I heard someone say, happiness is a choice. It was during an Off The Shelf Book podcast interview that I was hosting. The guest had been through several challenges, including a divorce, cancer and a major job change. Yet here she was telling the audience that “happiness is a choice.”

Happiness Is a Choice

Certainly, I appreciated what the guest shared. Learning is a key takeaway that I’ve longed gained from being the host of Off The Shelf Books podcast. Still, her words stung. Talk about struggling to accept that, during life’s hard experiences, it’s possible to choose to be happy.

The concept, the very idea, is worth exploring. Regardless of what’s going on in your life, you can actually choose to be happy. Another factor to consider is that happiness is different to different people. Furthermore, happiness may seemingly change in meaning as you age, gain new experiences and alter your life goals.

For example, as a pre-teen, for you the pursuit of happiness could find you praying for a new bike, playing with friends, visiting fun relatives and catching your favorite movies at the drive-in. Fast forward several years, and the pursuit of happiness could see you trying to get someone to notice you enough to ask you out on a date.

Pathways to Happiness

Or, you could be engaging in a sport in high school, launching your career or traveling abroad. By the time you reach my age, the pursuit of happiness could involve spending more time with a passion, building deeper family connections, keeping in touch with friends despite the miles between you and treasuring simple things like a walk thru nature.

Although you might not have thought about it before, pathways to happiness change. Setbacks, disappointments and challenges can definitely change pathways to happiness. And, if you live in this world long enough, you’ll face challenges.

Dreams that you had might not evolve the way that you wanted them to. On the other hand, your dreams could exceed your highest expectations for several years only to come to an abrupt halt. Despite these shifts, to reach the core of joy and peace, you’ll have to keep going. This is when you might discover that happiness is an “energy”.

Pursuit of Happiness

Go too long without feeling happy and you might start to feel tired, even drained. This is a reason why you might want to create daily routines that support your efforts to be happy. And remember – it’s all your choice.

Check out these actions that you could take to be happy. See if any of them resonant. If not, explore the list and come up with smart actions that you can design yourself (for yourself). The point is to tap into what works for you.

  • This first one is an easy to-do. Let’s say you’re feeling down, heavy on the inside. Forget how many times you’ve heard this so that it can have impact. Then, simply count your blessings. In fact, consider making counting your blessings a part of your daily routine.
  • Wake with a word of thanksgiving. Actually speak out loud an experience, relationship, etc. that you appreciate and are thankful for.
  • Get outside in nature and have fun. Go for a walk or bike ride – just get outside.
  • Connect with friends at least once a week.
  • Spend time with relatives who you trust and know love you.
  • Treat yourself to a meal at your favorite restaurant. You could do this even if you dined alone and actually enjoy yourself.
  • Enjoy entertainment that aligns with your values and passions. For example, you could enjoy a free jazz concert at a local, outdoor park. Or you could go to the theater, a sporting event or to an art gallery.
  • Continue to learn – never stop learning.
  • Focus on what you like in your life instead of always focusing on what you don’t like.
  • Meditate.
  • Carve out several minutes a day to invest in happy thoughts. This one goes with focusing on what you like in your life.
  • Remember that happiness is a choice and that this is your life. It may take discipline and awareness, but you can make something amazing and incredibly beautiful of your life here.

Keep Learning

To repeat, keep learning. Contrast is a learning tool in this world. When you remember that the aim is joy and peace, you may spot situations and choices that are not in your best interests early. Additionally, you might leave abusive relationships as soon as you spot signs of harm.

It’s not that you or the person you’re in a relationship with is “bad”. We’re all the Creator’s children. However, we’re not all at the same place in the journey. Some of us aren’t ready to only love right now. It’s just not our choice. Spot this in a person or spot someone who’s led by fear instead of love and it might be time to break free of that relationship.

Keeping joy, happiness and peace as your primary goals will impact your decisions. This is not to say that you’ll benefit from running from challenges. The world is full of challenges. Howbeit, when you choose happiness, you might set yourself up for more loving experiences. In this regard, choosing happiness is different from trying to be safe.

Live a Beautiful, Wonderful Life

It really is. Think about the times when you tried to be safe. Did you miss out on opportunities? Did you pass up on experiences that you now wish you had explored? Those are just a few results that “trying to be safe” can leave you with. You could actually start living a very routine, mundane life and miss out on so much that could add wonderful spark and good energy to your life.

The decision to be happy, on the other hand, can open you up to taking more smart risks, to trying new things. You might decide to date again, even if you don’t want to live with anyone. After all, you don’t have to live with someone to enjoy exploring a new, healthy and loving relationship.

As you remember that happiness is a choice, you might also switch jobs, move to a different town, sell your house or take a course in a field that’s interested you since you were a kid. Your world probably won’t get smaller. Instead, it will expand as you go further along the pathways to happiness.

Resources:

Off The Shelf Book Podcast – https://www.blogtalkradio.com/denise-turney-


Don’t Believe the Hustle Hype: Why You Might Want to Slow Down

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By Books Author Denise Turney

letter slow down tiles on the white textile
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If you’re like many people, you could be experiencing a lingering pull to switch gears and slow down. On the other hand, you might be conflicted. After all, you could have grown up believing the hustle hype, that working nonstop and juggling several tasks at once was the single way to step into a successful career or a deeply satisfying lifestyle. But, what if those work-work-work and juggle-tasks beliefs are wrong?

Is Hustle Hype Speeding Up the Pace of Your Life?

To explore this idea further, here are two questions. To begin, was there a time when you were encouraged to “multi-task”? Has someone pushed you to “forget sleep and get as much done as fast as possible?” If this has happened to you, there likely were rewards associated with these life choices.

Among those rewards are: when you multi-task, you get a lot more done in less time; people who sleep less and work longer hours are more successful and working fast and hard is the path to fulfillment. Welcome to the hustle culture. Let someone who you think is successful espouse these ideas and you might immediately accept that living fast, nearly absent brakes, is your best option if you want to realize your dreams.

I wasn’t introduced to those concepts until I was in my 30s. Back then, I was working for a major, global firm. A senior business leader told me that I had to “learn how to multi-task.” Because I aligned this person’s corporate title with wisdom and “knowing what’s best”, I put my head down and focused on multi-tasking.

Multi-Tasking Facts

An outcome of this effort was that my work hours got longer. Soon, I was telling myself that I didn’t have time to stop working long enough to go to the bathroom, let alone lunch. “Multi-task, multi-task,” I kept hearing. And, again, the benefit was that multi-tasking was the best way to get more work done. This, in turn, could lead to promotions, salary increases and multi-taskers generating more product and service sales should they be entrepreneurs.

Years later, was I ever surprised to hear that multi-tasking is actually not possible for many people. The brain often cannot focus on two activities with clarity at the same time. Cleveland Clinic shares that, “We’re really wired to be monotaskers, meaning that our brains can only focus on one task at a time.” Neurologist Cynthia Kabu went on to share in the Cleveland Clinic article that, “When we think we’re multitasking, most often we aren’t really doing two things at once, but instead, we’re doing individual actions in rapid succession, or task-switching.”1

Yet, that’s not all. Not only can your brain often not multi-task, your brain might also make mistakes as you switch from opposite types of tasks. In particular, this could happen while you’re trying to multi-task while working on complex projects.

Slow Down to Explore New Ways of Living

Even if you’re introduction to multi-tasking and working tirelessly is familiar to mine, you might benefit from exploring different ways of approaching work. Because your work practices might overflow into your personal life, your personal relationships might gain if you switch gears, let go of the hustle hype and slow down.

Fortunately, the past few years have created situations that have forced many to look at their life, including their work life, differently. Gone for many, perhaps even you, are the days when you’ll convince yourself that you have no options for how to work. COVID19 also demonstrated how effective people can work from home or from another remote location.

Challenges, especially for working mothers, of juggling and multi-tasking job responsibilities, relationships and children were spotlighted. End result was millions of women existing the workforce. If there ever was a push to “slow down”, that was one of those pushes.

Benefits of Tapping Out of Hustle Hype to Slow Down

Hence, one of the leading reasons to slow down is to live in balance. Slow down to get your life off the spin cycle. As you once may have thought that working non-stop and multi-tasking offered benefits, you might be happy to learn that slowing down comes with real benefits. In fact, among the benefits gained from living a slower life are:

  • Mindfulness – As you slow down your life, you might become more present. You might become more aware of your thoughts and emotions.
  • Clarity – Becoming more mindful can yield clarity. Instead of feeling conflicted and overwhelmed, “knowing what to do now” might arise within you more. This, in turn, could lead to better decisions and a more satisfying life.
  • Improved Relationships – The better you feel, the better you may treat the people in your life. Another choice that you might make is to decide to actively listen to people who you’re communicating with.
  • Less Stress – When you slow down your life, you might take in deeper breaths without even thinking about doing so. This could improve your respiratory system. It could also help stabilize your blood pressure and reduce stress.

More Benefits of Slowing Down

Health Improvement – Should you decide to slow down, you might actually stop and just eat while you’re dining. Doesn’t matter if you’re dining alone at home or at a restaurant with friends or relatives. Focusing on eating alone could decrease the times that you binge eat or eat simply to rid yourself of an emotion.

Appreciation – Your internal appreciation meter could skyrocket after you slow down. In addition to appreciating your health, relationships, talents and environment, you might start to appreciate natural sounds around you. These sounds might have gone completely unnoticed by you while you were operating at a brutally fast pace.

Self-Esteem – Slowing down may help you to recognize progress that you have made. For the first time in a long time, you might actually see just how much progress you’ve made regarding parenting, a project, communication, your finances and your overall health.

Notice Your Progress

Admittedly, it might take a few attempts to slow down. Howbeit, as you start to notice benefits associated with living at a slower pace in one area of your life, you might choose to expand the practice across all areas of your life. And, instead of perceiving living at a fast pace as proof that you’re living a “good life”, you might start to associate living a “good life” with the quality of your relationships.

Here’s another hidden advantage associated with slowing down. Instead of multi-tasking, you might start working in teams more. You also might value everyday experiences, which could lead to deeper satisfaction.

Resources:

  1. Why Multitasking Doesn’t Work – Cleveland Clinic

Looking for Real Self-Help? Stop Lying to Yourself

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By African American Books Author Denise Turney

close up portrait photo of woman needing self-help looking through window
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Keep lying to yourself and it’s going to be hard, if not impossible, for you to win. It’s also going to be hard for you to live a joyous life. But you may already know that. You might already know how critical it is that you stop lying to yourself. The trick is, simply knowing that may not stop you from telling yourself lies. So, how can you get free?

Why You Lie To Yourself

As unfortunate as it is, there are reasons why you might lie to yourself. Top of the list of reasons has to do with the fact that you may not like what you see evolving in your life. That or you might not like what you see right in front of you. For example, you might not like the fact that your clothes are fitting tighter, that you get out of breath after walking just one flight of stairs or that you’ve been quick tempered with your friends.

In that case, you could lie to yourself and tell yourself that you aren’t gaining weight, are as fit as you’ve always been and are the nicest, most patient person you know. Additionally, you might lie to yourself because you don’t want to deal with a situation or because you don’t want to make a decision.

If you believe that you suffered from the last few decisions that you made, you might lie to yourself and tell yourself that all is well just to avoid having to make a decision. Early childhood trauma could also turn you off to change. This happened with me after my mom transitioned. Little did I know how much I associated change with my mother transitioning, as if she had to transition each time I was faced with a major change.

Stop Lying to Yourself and Let Truth Surface

It was during parts work that this was revealed to me. Am I ever glad that this practice entered my conscious awareness. During other blog articles right here at Chistell.com, I go into parts work and how associating change with my mom’s transitioning had affecting me for decades and in ways that I had no clue about.

This leads to another point. Not only can you lie to yourself, you can lie to yourself and not even know that you’re lying to yourself. However, if you practice awareness, you’ll eventually know that something is off.

For instance, you might feel like you’re moving in circles or you might feel like, despite your best efforts, you’re not moving forward. So, let’s explore lying to yourself further. It’s so worth it, especially if it helps you to pump the brakes and stop lying to yourself.

Are Your Practicing Cognitive Dissonance?

At its core, a psychological term known as “cognitive dissonance” is behind the reason why we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves untruths,” shared Mental Help.1 Tricky as it may sound, there are internal clues that alert us to the fact that we are out of alignment.

Here’s what Mental Help says, “When we experience cognitive dissonance, we feel an uncomfortable tension between who we believe we are and how we are behaving.” The theory for cognitive dissonance was made by Leon Festinger. The theory suggests that, “we have an inner drive to hold all our attitudes and beliefs in harmony and avoid disharmony (or dissonance).”

Here’s another example that may put better light on cognitive dissonance. “Cognitive dissonance explains many of our everyday actions. The person who steals from his employer but tells himself that he is underpaid and deserves the extra is twisting the interpretation of his behavior in order to still feel he is okay as a human being is another good example.”1

Exploring Why You Lie To Yourself

Other reasons why you might lie to yourself could be because you feel special or over confident. In other words, you might feel as if you’re better than you actually are at a task. That, or you might feel like you deserve to get whatever it is that you want. In this event, you could lie to yourself and tell yourself that something wrong you did isn’t really wrong.

Let someone else do the very same thing and you’d easily see the behavior as wrong. Regarding over confidence, Psychology Today shares that, “Unrealistic optimism can have significant health consequences. Psychologist Loren Nordgren (2009) found that among a group of people trying to quit smoking, the ones who gave especially high ratings to their own willpower were most likely to fail.”2

Denial is another strong reason why you might lie to yourself. This was briefly covered earlier in this article. When it comes to denial, you lie to yourself because there’s something that you do not want to face. Yet, if you don’t face it, the situation may likely never change for the better.

Stopping The Art Of Denial

To put it another way, Psychology Today says, “Denial is a psychological defense we all use against external realities to create a false sense of security. Denial can be a protective defense in the face of unbearable news (e.g., cancer diagnosis). In denial, people say to themselves, “This is not happening.” For instance, alcoholics insist they have no drinking problem.”

Those are some reasons why you may lie to yourself. Now, how can you stop lying to yourself?

For starters, practice awareness. Actually become aware of what you are thinking, feeling and doing. It’s not about judgment. Your value and worth will never change, because of what created you. While practicing awareness, be completely honest.

Again, your value and your worth are beyond words. You are worth more than you can ever imagine. That won’t change. However, if you want to live a joyous life, you have to become aware of what you’re doing, thinking and feeling and take ownership of your life.

Now Is Always The Time To Be Honest

Honesty is a part of this. At the end of each day, do a review of the day. Could take as little as two minutes. Reflect on what you did, how you felt and how you treated yourself and others. Acknowledge ways that you could have been a better communicator, active listener, leader or supporter, etc.

Start your morning with routines that strengthen honesty, trust and appreciation within you. As an example, you could start your morning with a word of “Thanks” and speak out loud three to five facts about your life or experiences that you appreciate. Also, be honest and talk with a trustworthy friend about experiences you don’t like.

Keeping a journal or spreadsheet that details your dreams, concerns, successes and desires are other ways to become aware of what’s going on inside your mind. Continue to practice awareness and see if you don’t start to make better decisions and experience a more fulfilling life, see if you don’t gain courage and stop lying to yourself.

Resources:

  1. hhttps://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/why-we-lie-to-ourselves/#:~:text=A%20Psychological%20term%20known%20as,and%20how%20we%20are%20behaving.&text=She%20held%20a%20belief%20that%20good%20people%20do%20not%20have%20affairs.
  2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-choice/201708/the-many-ways-we-lie-ourselves

Dealing with Loneliness – Try These Tips

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By African American Books Author Denise Turney

person sitting on wooden planks across the lake dealing with loneliness
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Despite medical advances, people have been dealing with loneliness for centuries. Not only has loneliness been experienced across history, reasons that you could feel lonely cover a wide range. For example, you could feel lonely because of changes in your brain, social isolation, genetics, your diet, workplace culture, things you keep repeating to yourself, stressors, light shifts and seasonal changes. Fortunately, there’s a way out. First, more about loneliness and its impact.

Experiencing Loneliness

Loneliness could be experienced in combination with other emotional or mental issues like depression, PTSDs and seasonal affective disorder. The one fact that’s associated with loneliness is that it feels painful. Depending on how you’re using thought, you could be tempted to convince yourself that you’ll always feel lonely. However, you don’t have to feel lonely.

One factor that’s different about today’s loneliness is how many people live alone. Yet, living alone doesn’t always cause you to feel lonely. Out World In Data shares that, “Despite the popularity of the claim, there is surprisingly no empirical support for the fact that loneliness is increasing, let alone spreading at epidemic rates.”1

Another thing to note is that you do not have to stay lonely, if you feel that way now. In fact, there are actions that you could take to reduce and eliminate loneliness. But, first it’s important to note that loneliness is a “state of mind.” As Very Well Mind shares, “People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it more difficult to form connections with other people.”2

Tips for Dealing with Loneliness

Also, “Researchers suggest that loneliness is associated with social isolation, poor social skills, introversion, and depression.” Keep in mind that, “Loneliness, according to many experts, is not necessarily about being alone. Instead, if you feel alone and isolated, then that is how loneliness plays into your state of mind.”2

Here are actions that you could take to free yourself of loneliness:

  • Strike up a conversation with a neighbor or colleague
  • Volunteer for community, social or work projects that cause you to connect more fully with others
  • Realize that loneliness is not a permanent condition and that millions of people have experienced it
  • Accept that loneliness is an indication that you may need to make a change (and that you can make that rewarding change)
  • Be willing to be uncomfortable during the early stages of a healthy friendship
  • Schedule a social event or a lunch or dinner with a friend or relative and keep the date
  • Talk with people you trust
  • Seek professional help if you feel stuck in loneliness
  • Focus on your good traits
  • Take time to rest and relax to avoid feeling overwhelmed which could shift into loneliness
  • Take advantage of opportunities to connect with people in-person

Develop Rewarding Connections When Dealing with Loneliness

Despite what you might read in the media, there may not be solid evidence that loneliness is at epidemic levels. Additionally, there might not be strong evidence that loneliness is even increasing. To begin, humans have not been surveyed about loneliness since the start of time.

What research has shown is that you can reduce or stay free of loneliness if you nurture healthy relationships. Also, by avoiding the temptation to isolate yourself, you could build and maintain deep connections. The importance of developing and maintaining rewarding and loving human connections cannot be overstressed.

Longer life on this earth, lower blood pressure, improved overall health and less stress are just a few of the benefits associated with having deep, authentic human relationships. Nurturing healthy relationships could also strengthen your immune system, reduce physical pain and give you a sense of purpose.

Step-by-Step Healing

Howbeit, healthy relationships don’t generally just happen. As with a physical fitness, financial or mental health goal, you have to work at good relationships. As an example, you could call friends once a week or you could visit a relative once or twice a month.

Attending family get-togethers, hosting holiday events and supporting family, friends and neighbors during times when they could benefit from support are ways to nurture healthy relationships. So too is actively listening when people talk with you. Simply making the time to be with and really listen to people goes a long way.

Regarding being there for a friend, I’ll never forget when a friend drove more than 50 miles to be with me after a loved one transitioned. Little did either of us know it, but less than four years later, a situation would arise that would find my friend benefitting from more support. I was there for her. These “I’ll be there for you” choices strengthen relationships.

Move Beyond Erroneous Beliefs

Replace “being there with someone” with excuses and you could weaken a relationship. Therefore, staying free of loneliness is about more than not feeling isolated or unloved. It’s also about taking the initiative to build and maintain good relationships.

Should a part of you believe that no one wants to hang out with you, counter that thought with truth. You are wonderfully created. As Psalm 139: 13-14 shares, “For you created my innermost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

You might need to repeat loving affirmations about yourself as you stand in front of a mirror to free yourself from erroneous beliefs. Until you do change your thoughts, just strike up a conversation with the cashier at the grocery store, your mail carrier or a neighbor. Take small steps to build healthy, loving relationships.

Starting Conversations

Keep starting conversations. It could be as simple as asking a question. Now, there may be instances when the person you’re speaking with brushes you off. People get in hurries. Or the person may not want to talk right now. But that doesn’t mean that everyone will respond to your efforts to engage in conversation the same way.

The more that you start conversations and connect with others in healthy ways, the more confident you may become. Before you know it, you might be considered someone who helps create good connections. You also might be regarded as a great communicator.

Feeling Less Lonely

If you struggle to start conversations, try taking an impromptu speaking course. This is what I did when I was in the military. It paid off. Years later, I was standing in front of crowds on stage delivering speeches. Another thing that I did was to agree with inner guidance that I received and started saying “Hello” to people who stepped on an elevator with me.

Admittedly, it felt awkward at first (my not thinking that the other person would want to speak with me). But I kept it up. Today, starting conversations is very easy for me. So, get started. Take the first step to build healthy in-person connections.

Reach out to family and friends regularly. For example, you could set a date twice a week when you will call friends or visit family. Don’t talk yourself out of building and strengthening healthy, loving relationships. Make connecting with others in a loving way a priority. See if you don’t feel less lonely.

Resources:

  1. https://ourworldindata.org/loneliness-epidemic
  2. https://www.verywellmind.com/loneliness-causes-effects-and-treatments-2795749

How To Support a Grieving Friend

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Books Author Denise Turney

grieving women hugging each other
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Surviving the loss of a loved one is powerfully emotional. It leaves you changed. Try as you may, you can’t fully bounce back the way you used to be. It helps to have a good friend, someone who knows you and will just be there for you, their grieving friend. But how do you learn to help a friend who’s grieving?

When You’re Experiencing a Similar Loss

It’s hard to experience grief alone. Yet, there are times, such as major pandemics and large-scale job layoffs, when you may grieve with large numbers of people.

During times when you’re experiencing a similar loss with large numbers of people, you may not feel the full impact of the loss right away. In fact, you might delay grief, postponing the inevitable. Do that and you could get stuck, not to mention feel alone when you have no choice except to look at the loss.

Go through this once, and you may never forget the importance of grieving instead of repressing. Furthermore, you might not forget the importance of grieving as soon as a loss occurs. Another thing that you won’t forget is how deep the pain associated with grief can dig. It might not make a lot of sense now, but this combination could prepare you to help a grieving friend in the future.

Struggling In Awkward Silence

Even if you don’t want to, you might struggle in awkward silence when you’re around your grieving friend. You might not know what to say. You might not know what to do. Fortunately, if you really want to help, there are ways you can make it easier for your grieving friend to heal.

One of the best things you can do is to simply sit with your grieving friend and listen. As tempting as it may be, avoid offering advice. Even more, it might be good to postpone giving words of encouragement. Just be there and listen.

This is because, as good as your intentions might be, nothing that you say may help to heal your friend’s pain right now. During highly emotional times, the best words could be received as uncaring, cold or dismissive. I experienced this after my son transitioned.

When People Don’t Want You To Change

Despite people’s intentions, much of what they said felt dismissive. On top of that, I knew that the people talking with me had not experienced the loss that I had, except for one friend who’d years earlier lost a son. Also, some things that some friends said came across as if they wanted me to act as if nothing had changed. They didn’t want to see me changed.

When this happens, you could be tempted to try to push or rush your friend through grieving. Another thing to remember is that each person grieves differently. Here’s another way that you could help a grieving friend.

Steer clear of telling your friend that she or he is “doing good” while dealing with the loss. Not only does this sound judgmental (as if you’re judging how close your friend is reacting to how you think she or he should react), it sends the message that there’s a certain way to grieve.

Journaling Helps

You may have heard someone who’s trying to encourage a grieving friend say, “you’re doing good” or “you’re strong” if the grieving friend doesn’t cry at all or doesn’t cry much. This could be a sign that the speaker doesn’t want to deal with changes grief can bring. It’s as if the person is saying, “You’re doing good at not making me deal with this loss much.”

Try to avoid this approach.

Instead, sit with your friend, even if you sit in silence. Another thing you can do is to gift your friend with a journal. Writing in a journal is a good way for your friend to express what’s she’s feeling and thinking. Journaling as a practice, is a good way to work through hard emotions and troubling experiences. Admittedly, it sounds simple. But it works.

You could also gift your friend with a daily devotional that includes personal writings from people who’ve felt the sting of loss. Some devotionals start with a quote or scripture, followed by the personal write-up.

Experiencing Difficult Losses

Because the devotional’s contributors have experienced difficult losses, your grieving friend might feel like he’s hearing from someone who knows and cares as he reads the book.

Gifting your friend with the freedom to weep is another way to support your friend. At some point, your friend might want to talk with you about the loss. The more they open up and talk, the more they might cry. They might also want to hear you speak their loved one’s name, showing that you want to remember and acknowledge that the person had been here.

If your friend’s loss is marital or job related, your friend might want to share uncomfortable emotions like anger, frustration and loss of hope.

You’re a Blessing

Ask your friend if it’s okay for you to visit. Should your friend start to isolate, consider stopping by her home or treating her to lunch.

Offering to cook, walk a pet, babysit or do another chore could prove beneficial. As good as in-person visits are, so too are regular telephone conversations. By your actions, let your friend know that you are there for her and want to support her.

And continue to understand grief. As a start, you could familiarize yourself with the grieving process (remembering that not everyone goes through the stages the same). Steer clear of quoting scriptures and trying to push your grieving friend toward thinking or feeling a certain way. All in all, if you’re a sincere friend, your grieving friend will likely appreciate you just being there.