Tag Archives: love pour over me

Fathers Raising Children as Single Parents

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

single parent african american father in gray shirt holding baby in white onesie
Photo by nappy on Pexels.com

Fathers raising children as single parents was nearly unheard of 50 years ago. I can still hear my father express how he wished there was someone he could talk with about raising daughters as a single parent. But there was no one he knew who could offer him guidance. So, my father turned to my aunts and grandmother, resources who, thankfully, turned out to be very good ones.

Fathers Raising Children as Single Parents

The thing is that since 1960, the numbers of fathers raising children as single parents has increased. According to the Pew Research Center, the numbers have increased nine-fold since 1960. As of 2011, 2.6 million households were led by single fathers.

Many of these single fathers live with someone. For example, these dads may have remarried or be living with a partner who they aren’t married to. On the other hand, about 52% of fathers raising children as single parents are divorced, widowed, not living with a partner or men who never married.

Also, becoming a single father happens to men as early as the teenage years. Additionally, fathers who are raising kids alone have a broad range of educational levels, from less than a high school diploma to a postgraduate degree.

Raising Children Alone

Fortunately, changing perceptions of what it takes to raise healthy children has removed some of the shock and lack of acceptance around fathers raising kids alone. Although raising kids alone offers challenges for both men and women, children raised by loving and caring men who are single parents may best know the value that these single parents offer.

father and child having fun
Photo by Emma Bauso on Pexels.com

My father had a positive influence on me and my siblings. Our mother passing was his doorway into single parenthood. Despite pleas from other relatives, my father would not break us up, choosing the single parent route instead.

His courage, insight, guidance, leadership, active listening skills and business savvy were contagious. There were times when I swore that my dad was born for parenting. Looking back, I can see how his parents’ love, support, care and guidance had helped to prepare him for raising sons alone as well as raising daughters by himself.

Love of a Single Father

In spite of long odds, my father didn’t lose one child. Each of his children grew into a responsible, caring, giving and courageous adult. To this day, I wonder if I could have accomplished what he did while raising five children alone.

And again, his success as a single parent was, in large part, due to how he was raised. In fact, it’s easy to see the influence prior generations have on single parents. After all, we often repeat what was done to us until we forgive the past, let go, and change our thinking, choices and behavior.

man in white t shirt and brown pants painting cardboard house
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova on Pexels.com

When Parenting Gets Hard

This is part of what’s illustrated in Love Pour Over Me, a book that spotlights the effects of raising a son alone when you’re not ready to parent. Adult children and older teens who grew up in families where single parents struggled may especially find strength, hope and healing while reading Love Pour Over Me.

After all, even if single parent fathers did receive an upbringing that prepared them to effectively operate a household, there are challenges. One parent can’t be everything to a child. Even with the best intentions, mistakes happen. Parents get tired. Life happens.

Love Pour Over Me

Love Pour Over Me is a book that follows a young man from high school well into adulthood, showing how, despite deep pain brought on from growing up under the guidance of a struggling father, it’s possible to keep progressing. Even more, Love Pour Over Me shows that it’s possible to grow in love with a soul mate after enduring an emotionally and physically hard childhood.

Yet, above all of these rewards, it’s witnessing the evolvement of the father’s and son’s relationship as the story unfolds that may indeed offer readers the most healing. After all, single fathers love their children deeply. They love their children even if they’re struggling with a personal issue which is why these fathers seek out and accept help.

What to Do When Love Relationships Aren’t Easy

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By Books Author Denise Turney

couple holding hands love relationships
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Dtd1986

Love relationships bloom, explode, empower and go bad. Like life, love is not still. Instead, love is like the wind. It’s hard to tell where it’s going. And it’s certain that love cannot be controlled. It doesn’t matter how hard you try. You cannot control love. In fact, tears won’t do it. Screaming, cursing and arguing won’t give you the keys to control love. When romance is sweet, it’s good, but what do you do when it goes bad?

Relationship Roadblocks

Simply, love calls for patience. Love calls for trust. And love calls for faith. The competitive, controlling part of our minds doesn’t like that. Is it any wonder that love relationships churn up so much discomfort in us?

Yet, it’s in sincere love relationships where we awaken more to our true self. It’s certainly worth the work. However, there may be roadblocks, unexpected roadblocks. These roadblocks show up sooner or later. They’re on the inside of you and your partner. You can’t see them with your physical eye.

It’s these roadblocks that can see your love relationship shift from pleasure, excitement and warmth to pain, fear and icy doubt. How so? For starters, what if you and the person who you’re in a love relationship with has yet to even begin facing, let alone dealing with, your erroneous perceptions and beliefs?

Erroneous Love Relationship Perceptions and Beliefs

For example, what if you or your partner was hit and/or verbally demeaned while a child? But not only that. What if you or your partner developed (and accepted) the perceptions that people are a danger to your well-being. The belief driving this perception might be that you shouldn’t try new things because you’ll fail and be teased because you’re dumb?

Or perhaps the perception is that people can’t be trusted because they only love or accept you when you work hard, give them money or do favors for them. Again, there’s a belief driving the perception. In this case, the belief might be that you’re really worthless and that the only way to gain a smidgen of acceptance or love is to work hard or to give people things and favors (because, after all, they don’t really want you because you’re really worthless).

And, these are just two beliefs and two perceptions. Imagine what your love relationships may be like if you and the people who you relate to had just ten similar beliefs and perceptions?

Tough Love Relationships

Can make for tough love relationships. So, to get to a healthy relationship rooted in love, it’s important that both you and your partner do the work. After all, your inner world isn’t going to magically fix itself. Furthermore, your partner’s inner world isn’t going to magically work itself out. And this inner work journey is ongoing.

Unfortunately, talking about how much you want to change isn’t going to work like a magic wand. This is where prayer, meditation, trust and faith can do wonders (not magic). Additionally, it takes honesty and a clear, shared goal that you both find extremely rewarding.

This means, no lying, abuse, manipulation, competing or controlling. Even more, it’s important to respect deal breakers. Clearly, abuse is a sure relationship deal breaker. No excuses. It’s a relationship deal breaker.

Pathways to Enduring Love

When there’s no abuse, but your relationship gets hard, try spending more time with each other. Spending time a part could also help. If you take the latter approach, set a date for when you and your lover will connect again. Getting back together is just one step in the relationship recovery process. To make your relationship sweet again, consider:

  • Talking about what is causing you to feel unloved in the relationship
  • Focus on active listening. Try to listen to your partner as much as possible
  • Discuss specific issues that are weakening the relationship. Examples include money, child raising habits and work boundaries.
  • Make your relationship a priority
  • Set aside time to be with your lover and avoid letting non-emergencies intrude on this time
  • Accept that all relationships take work, the more frequently you’re with someone (a spouse, child, sibling), the more work you might have to invest in the relationship
  • Keep your word and do what you say you will and expect the same of your partner
  • Hold yourself in high regard, no more or less than you do your partner
  • Spend quiet time in your own company
  • Engage in activities that cause you to feel empowered

Getting Closer to Sweet Love Relationships

You’re not going to get closer to a real love relationship if you stay in abusive relationships and keep trying to convince yourself that you’re someone who it’s okay to beat up. After all, you deserve love. You deserve to be loved real good.

 So, if your partner is responsible and accountable for their self and doesn’t blame you for where they are in life or how they feel, although it might not always be easy to navigate the love relationship, it might be worth it. Together, you could help each other to see the erroneous perceptions and beliefs that have been serving as roadblocks to real love.

Feeling safe with each other, you both might start to release these errors in thinking. It could take years. But it’s worth it. In fact, that’s when love relationships become really sweet.

Can Adults Really Heal from Childhood Trauma?

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By African American Books Author Denise Turney

Childhood trauma and abuse broken heart
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Nevit Dilmen

Childhood trauma, also referred to as adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), occurs to children from all backgrounds. Moving beyond childhood trauma can require years of inner work. In fact, the process of healing can be grueling. But it’s so worth it.

Childhood Trauma Types

Bullying, sexual abuse, domestic violence, grief and medical trauma are types of childhood trauma. Other types of childhood trauma include terrorism, war, violence in communities that children live in and verbal and emotional abuse. School shootings is an example of community violence.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent, a parent with a drug addiction or mental illness could put a child at risk of experiencing trauma. Parents with untreated psychological, addiction or emotional illnesses may engage in domestic violence, bullying, verbal and emotional abuse and/or sexual abuse against their children. If they don’t directly engage in the abuses, they might tolerate another person abusing their children.

More Trauma Types

Additionally, if children live with their abusers (e.g. parents, older siblings), they may be afraid to address or tell anyone about the abuse. This could complicate the way that children process what is happening. Should children blame themselves for the abuse, it could create a spiral effect of guilt, shame and negative emotional or behavioral response.

Clearly, not all childhood trauma involves abuse. Examples of these traumatic events include repeatedly being rushed to the hospital due to a recurring illness or disease and grief or losing a sibling or parent. Regardless of the type of childhood trauma, the sooner the trauma is identified and healed, the better.

Effects of childhood trauma can be lasting. It’s critical to stop, identify and heal trauma early, absolutely as soon as possible. A Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser study found that ACEs are linked to depression, anxiety, suicide, PTSDs, chronic disease, maternal health and risky behavior.

Overcoming Childhood Trauma

More than 38% of the participants in the CDC-Kaiser study had a college degree or higher. Education is not a sure barrier against trauma. Addressing trauma early is key to healing. It is also key to preventing trauma from progressing and moving from one generation to another.

Express your feelings, thoughts and images about childhood trauma as soon as you are aware of the experience. If you’re an adult, the awareness may come through dreams, emotions, images or words that keep “popping” up in your mind.

Until you feel safe to share your experience and emotions with others, consider journaling about the experience. You could also write a letter to your younger self. Share how much you love and support yourself.

Allow yourself to express emotions that surface. Healing is the act of releasing past trauma. Group therapy could offer a safe environment, perhaps helping to push emotions to the surface so that you can look at the emotions in a safe environment and release them.

Getting to Safety

Very Well Mind shares a process that you may find helpful. Included among these steps and other healing actions are:

  • Connect with other people in a safe, healing way
  • Find a safe, structured environment where you can openly express your emotions. Allow different parts of yourself to surface (e.g. judgmental, compassionate, wounded child).
  • Love all of yourself. Accept all parts of your psyche.
  • Fully feel and sense what occurred. It may help to work through trauma with a licensed therapist.
  • Stay free of comparing your trauma with anyone else’s trauma or challenges. You are unique, lovable you.
  • Write down emotions, thoughts and images that surface.
  • Ask the Creator for help and receive the help.
  • Forgive yourself for harboring ill feelings and negative thoughts about yourself.
  • Move. Get outside and move, taking walks, jogging, hiking, etc.
  • Help another child should you become aware of another child who is going thru the trauma that you experienced.
  • Be patient with yourself. Continue to do the work until you are free of the trauma. Do the work even if it takes decades. You’re so worth it!

Ongoing Support

Be patient with yourself. Overcoming childhood trauma could take decades. But it may only take weeks to start experiencing the positive effects of the inner work. This good work may help you should you experience an emergency and need to make quick, smart decisions.

It is my hope that Love Pour Over Me will also help you as you work through childhood trauma. Love Pour Over Me tells the fictionalized story of a talented athlete who was abandoned by his mother and left to be raised by an abusive father who has untreated alcoholism.

Resources:

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/acestudy/about.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64896/

10 Ways to Heal From Trauma (verywellmind.com)

How to Get on the Other Side of Grief

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By Books Author Denise Turney

woman on floor by bathtub dealing with other side of grief
Wikimedia Commons

Loss of a loved one can knock the wind out of you. And each loss is new, different from any other loss you’ve experienced. So, be kind to yourself. Perhaps more importantly, be infinitely patient with yourself. This cannot be stressed too much. To get on the other side of grief, you’re going to have to be patient with yourself.

Patience and How Other People Respond to Grief

Another thing, don’t let anyone tell you how you should be responding to what you are dealing with. It may not seem like it. But change, loss and trauma are major scares for people. Because of this, some people might try to push you through grief.

Others may work hard to get you to disassociate or repress. Why? Seeing changes in you may remind them of a trauma or unwanted event. Therefore, it may bring them comfort to see you unchanged. But that’s not how you get on the other side of grief.

Instead of repressing or disassociating, to get on the other side of grief, accept what is. This is important. As you move through grief, you may experience instances when life in this world feels surreal. That’s not all. There may be instances when you experience forgetfulness. You might even think that the person you’re grieving is still here.

Advice to Get on the Other Side of Grief

There’s no one step that fits every grief situation. But these steps can help you to start the healing process:

  • Understand that you won’t always feel this great loss
  • You can get on the other side of grief even if you think you’ll always feel crushed by the experience
  • Seek the support of others.
  • Commit to visiting family and friends (even when you feel flat)
  • Let good friends help and loving relatives come over and sit with you
  • Stay clear of judging yourself or others
  • Avoid setting expectations for how you think others should respond to you while you’re grieving. Believe it or not, they are dealing with the change too.
  • Join a grief discussion group. For example, you could join a private online grief support group. Make sure the group is moderated and professionally managed. As with other things, avoid giving out private details online or offline.
  • Attend counseling sessions with a licensed, experienced counselor as needed

More Ways to Get on the Other Side of Grief

Did I already say – be infinitely patient with yourself? You may go through more forward and backward steps than you can count before you get on the other side of grief (however, the change you’ve experienced may leave you permanently different). You’ll definitely learn about self-patience. While you’re being patient with yourself, also:

  • Write your loved one a letter for as long as you feel you need to. For example, you could write a loved one every day then once a week then once a month for as long as you find it beneficial.
  • Look at your loved one’s picture. Cry if you want to.
  • No repressing – It doesn’t make you a heroine; repressing just prolongs the pain.
  • Do something that you enjoy every day
  • Meditate
  • Get outdoors (sit on the porch, go for a walk or bike ride, etc.)
  • Listen to music that you love
  • Tell yourself that everything is open to change. You’re not stuck.

Also, try new things. When my mom transitioned when I was only seven years old, I didn’t know what “death” was. Today, I don’t believe in death because I know that we’re not bodies. Anyhow, back then, I thought that my mom had chosen something else over me and my siblings.

You Can Get on the Other Side of Grief

It was tough wrapping my head around this thing that people call “death” when I was just a kid. Years would pass before I realized that I associated change with my mom passing (or leaving).

I didn’t think that anything could be as hard as dealing with my mom transitioning. I was wrong. Between my mom’s transition and my paternal grandmother’s transition, I’d experience many other people leaving their bodies.

But, when my grandmother had a stroke (which came four years before she transitioned), I thought that it would take me out. You see, my paternal grandmother was like a mom to me. I’d grown up with her love. Fast forward a few years and my father was preparing to transition. You couldn’t have made me believe that his transition wouldn’t end my physical experience.

When my dad transitioned, inner advice came through, directing me to see people being “born” and “dying” as if people are coming in and out of an airport. People don’t cease to exist just because I can’t see them. Nor do they cease to exist because I miss them. I received similar inner guidance via a dream several years later.

Dealing with Deep Grief

As tough as my dad’s transition was, I got on the other side of grief again. But nothing prepared me for my son’s transition. Thank the Creator, my inner Self went to work, putting healing practices in place immediately. It was as if something unseen was guiding me.

I joined an online grief support group, sought professional counseling and started writing my son letters (which I still do to this day). Fortunately, my family didn’t busy themselves telling me how to grieve. It took two years to feel like I could stand up.

In between, I went to work, started writing on a novel, kept introducing readers to my books Long Walk Up, Portia, Love Pour Over Me, Spiral and Love Has Many Faces. I also went to the theater and went out to eat. But I’ll never be the same and I know it. Grief can change you. But you can open up to a new way of perceiving if you keep going and get on the other side of grief. Am I ever rooting for you!

Help Lines

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ – National Suicide Hotline

https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help – Mental Health.Gov

Fathers Need Love Too

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

fathers love their sons family picture

Fathers need love too; despite the images they may create. Yes. Like loving mothers, they’re strong and resilient. Yet, they thrive under the light of appreciation and care.

Good fathers are the backbone of a strong family. In fact, the impact of loving, present, caring, responsible fathers may be immeasurable. It doesn’t matter how challenging life gets, good fathers offer their children patience, a listening ear, courage and guidance.

Honoring Good Fathers on Father’s Day and Beyond

For me, a good father also offers his children protection, an ongoing sense of security. My father was this type of man. Akin to many other fathers, my dad was also tough – at times, seemingly hard. But he was there whenever his kids, his sons and his daughters, needed him.

During my younger years, I wished that my father was softer, more emotional. But he never really got there, although he did soften in his older years. Yet, he shaped me in ways that I will forever be thankful for. Because of the impact he made, it was easy to appreciate him and to buy Father’s Day gifts for my dad.

He was easy to please as it regarded gifts. In fact, I don’t think that he expected much for Father’s Day. And this from a man who had single handedly raised five children. He didn’t wear ties. So, that was out as a Father’s Day gift choice. What my dad did appreciate was his children calling and spending time with him.

Great Father’s Day Gifts

Whether your father loves certain types of gifts or isn’t big on gifts at all, there are choices you can make to honor your dad this Father’s Day. Here are Father’s Day gift ideas that both you and your dad may appreciate, great ways for you to show your dad that you know fathers needs love to:

  • Tickets to your father’s favorite arts, entertainment or sports event. For example, you could get your dad tickets to a sports playoff, theatrical production or arts or jazz festival.
  • Vacation package to a cool, adventurous spot that your dad has long talked about visiting. Keep in mind, that it could be somewhere local or a place across the globe.
  • Lunch or dinner at your father’s favorite restaurant. If the weather is agreeable, dine outdoors.
  • Invite your father to your home. Once there, cook him a delicious home cooked brunch or dinner.
  • Purchase your dad his favorite cologne. Include a special card with a loving handwritten note with the Father’s Day gift.
  • After your Father’s Day meal, take your dad on a drive through the city or country. Set the radio to his favorite music and enjoy the ride.

Remember Fathers Need Love Too

Father’s Day was first celebrated in the United States in June 1910. More than 60 years would pass before Father’s Day was made official by President Richard Nixon in 1972.  But time sets no boundary on how mothers and children honor the good fathers in their lives.

This year, gift your father with the same treasure that you may have asked him for when you were a kid. Gift your father with quality time on Father’s Day. For instance, take your father on that fishing, hiking or road trip the two of you have been talking about for months.

Or perhaps your father and you love a good camping trip. Whatever you decide, consider setting aside enough time to enjoy being with your dad this Father’s Day. And yes. Spending time with your dad on Father’s Day may seem like a choice that you have forever to make. But that’s not the case. Don’t let the time slip by this year. Show and tell your father how much he means to you this year. And, if you’re a dad yourself – Happy Father’s Day.

Resources:

The Important Role of Dad | HuffPost Life

Can You Join in Love Again?

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By Books Author Denise Turney

African American couple in love smiling next to bikes wearing helmets
Couple in Love with Bikes – Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Bill Branson

Feel that nudge in your heart? Maybe your core is telling you that it’s time to join in love again. But are you ready?

It’s easy to fall in love when you’re young. It’s easy to fall in love when you haven’t had your heart broken. But go through the heartache of divorce or even a non-marital breakup and you could become reluctant to enter a new romantic relationship.

And who could blame you? After all, you’re merely trying to protect yourself.

Give yourself chance to join in love again

Yet, self-protection has a cost. The highest cost is living with an invisible wall around your heart and your mind, a wall that no one can penetrate. If you’ve experienced this, you might feel alone, isolated or like no one understands you. In addition, you might start to believe that you’re simply not someone who will ever enjoy a loving, romantic relationship.

But what if you’re wrong? What if you can join in love again. What if your next relationship could actually be rewarding, enriching, empowering and inspiring?

Prepping your inner being for love

To enjoy a healthy relationship, make sure your inner being is healthy. Signs that you are inwardly healthy include:

  • Freedom from suspecting other people of doing wrong when there has been absolutely nothing done or said that would indicate that another person has intended to harm you
  • No interest in searching through your partner’s cell phone simply because you want to be certain that you’re not being cheated on (again when there has been no indication of infidelity)
  • Engaging in a variety of interest (e.g., sports, crafts, traveling)
  • Appreciation for the chance to experience new events, conversations, etc. with your partner and others
  • Lack of obsession
  • Strong family and friends support system
  • Connections with people who are positive and improving their lives
  • Taking full responsibility for yourself
  • Daily routines that encourage physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. Examples include exercising, meditating, nature walks, keeping an appreciation journal, worship of the Creator and resting.

Acknowledge your self-worth

You’re right. It takes work to maintain good inner health, especially in this world where there are long work hours, financial challenges, family demands and harsh environmental shifts. Yet, it’s doable and so worth it.

In fact, just as you brush your teeth and shower or bathe every day, it takes daily actions to maintain inner health. You need good inner health to attract other people who are committed to being inwardly healthy. Simply reading self-help books isn’t enough. You and your partner need to take the right actions to enjoy inner health.

If this is new to you, start by acknowledging your self-worth. Below are a few shortcuts that could help you acknowledge your self-worth:

  • Engage in hobbies or work that you love. For me, that’s writing page turning novels! Oh, and I also love to interview artists on Off The Shelf Books Talk Radio
  • Remind yourself that other people’s opinions do not give you real worth
  • Try something new once a month. For example, you could drive a new way to or from work, go swimming if you haven’t been to a pool in years, ride a bike, travel someplace new or try a different food.
  • Be patient with yourself. You’re learning.
  • Recall past successes.
  • Remember that your worth is not tied to what you do, how much money you have, who you know, what you weigh or where you live.
  • Say “I love you” to that gorgeous person in the mirror!

You just might be ready to join in love again

Can you join in love again? Of course, you can. In fact, joining in love with someone who is ready to love you may get easier after you acknowledge your self-worth and get your inner self healthy.

To join in love again, you also need to open up to the idea of being in a romantic relationship. Turning away from loving people, doesn’t signal that you’re welcome to romantic love. After all, just as you don’t want to be rejected, the person who’d like to approach you, doesn’t want to be rejected either.

A final thought, you’re never going to know everything that’s going to happen to you in this world. And why would you want to? In fact, opening up to surprises is part of being in love. As you start to acknowledge your self-worth more, work on your inner health and take full responsibility for yourself, surprises may stop being viewed as risks to you.

They might become opportunities to grow, have fun, avoid boredom and stay engaged in the details of your life. Surprises also might serve as a pathway into deeper, richer, fuller love experiences that you treasure with your partner. So, like Raymond Clarke in Love Pour Over Me, you just might be ready to try romantic love again.

Signs You’re in a Healthy Love Relationship

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By Books Author Denise Turney

Love Pour Over Me book cover of African American couple in healthy love relationship
Love Pour Over Me Book Cover – Denise Turney

Chance to flourish in a healthy love relationship may be the top desire of every adult. Time, disappointment, aging communities and diverse solo social events don’t seem to be putting the brakes on this desire. In fact, the numbers of people searching for a romantic partner to enter a healthy relationship with may be growing, thanks for the Internet. For starters, Pew research reports that 15% of American adults have used a dating app.

Everyone’s Looking for Love – Who’s Finding Love

Percentages are higher for Americans who have never tied the knot. About 30% of American adults who have never been married have used a dating app. Gone are the days when an adult posting a dating ad in a newspaper or magazine is considered a “lonely heart” or as being “socially inept”. But finding someone to get involved with and enjoying a healthy relationship are not always the same.

So, how do you know if you’re in a healthy relationship? A good starting point may be to pay attention to how you feel when you speak to yourself. Pay attention to how you feel based on how you treat yourself. For example, do you feel anxious or peaceful when you highlight mistakes that you made?

Do you feel confident or cowardly when you encourage yourself or speak positive affirmations to yourself? If we’re created to experience joy, love and peace, then, that may well be the hallmark of a healthy relationship. Forget trying to dupe yourself. Go after what you were created to have. Consider flourishing with joy, love and peace to be key signs that you’re in a healthy relationship.

Honesty Is Pathway to Healthy Love Relationship

This means that your partner and you actively help each other to experience joy, love and peace. You make it a goal. It may take honesty to accept this, to allow yourself to receive this trio of blessings. These three cannot be swapped out for excitement, romance or sleeping all day. Your relationship either enriches you with joy, love and peace or it doesn’t. No substituting.

More signs that you’re in a healthy relationship include:

  • Accountability is clear and accepted – Both you and your partner take full responsibility for your thoughts, emotions and behavior. You don’t blame each other for how you feel, think or behave. If you want to end or start a new way of thinking or behaving, you hold yourself responsible for doing what it takes to achieve that. This includes lovingly dealing with sabotaging mental forecasting.
  • Change celebrations – You and your partner don’t run from change. You don’t curse the world when your routines change. Instead, you celebrate change, seeing it as another chance to awaken and grow.
  • Admit when you’re not happy – Even if you grew up in a home where you rarely saw your parents laughing or expressing peace and happiness, you and your partner are not afraid to admit when you’re not happy.

More Signs of a Healthy Love Relationship

  • Clear, honest communication – Communicating is not enough. If you’re in a healthy relationship, you and your partner are honest, open and clear while communicating. You don’t belittle each other. You don’t diminish each other to relatives or friends.
  • Ongoing work – Healthy relationships see couples continuing to learn. Both you and your partner refuse to believe that you “know it all”. You listen to one another. You keep paying attention and learning.
  • Common goals – Rather than strive to convince or sell your partner on a goal, you and your lover pursue common goals. Neither of you feels as if you’re constantly “giving in” or being forced to do what you don’t really want to do just to keep the other partner happy.

All shared, no healthy relationship sign tops love. This is also where things can get tricky, as each person may have a different perception of love. Start discovering what your would-be lover’s perception about love is early in the dating process. Hook up with someone who has a vastly different perception of love than you do and, despite how much energy or time you invest in the relationship, the road could long be rocky.

Healthy relationships, like the one shared in Love Pour Over Me may take time. The best intentions can see relationships experience highs and lows. The good news is that some couples, like the couple in Love Pour Over Me, are truly meant to be. Here’s to wishing that’s what you experience!

7 Great Reasons to Read The Love Pour Over Me Book

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By Denise Turney



Love Pour Over Me BookLove Pour Over Me is a book that takes a realistic look at a complicated parent/child relationship. When I first started writing Love Pour Over Me, it was emotionally easy. As I fleshed Malcolm and Raymond out more, it got harder to keep writing at the same fast pace that I had started writing the novel with.

Why? Memories from my own childhood were starting to arise, muddying the process involved in getting the first full draft of the story on paper.

Love Pour Over Me was not an easy book to write

As with each book that I have written, including Portia, Spiral, Long Walk Up, Rosetta’s Great Adventure and Love Has Many Faces, bits and pieces of my own history were finding their way into the pages of Love Pour Over Me. Believe it or not, this fact is what makes writing books a boundless blessing.

Once a story dredges up deep emotion in me as an author, I have no choice except to revisit my own unique, personal “real life” past and deal with the emotional root. Authors who do this work can finally go free of personal thought and behavior patterns that may have plagued them for years.

Another blessing that strong emotions offer me as an author is directly related to the novel. Strong emotions that I feel easily transfer to the page. It’s this emotion that connects readers to characters.

For me, this is when I absolutely love creating novels.

Adult problems with trying to understand a mysterious childhood

Although I didn’t grow up with an alcoholic parent like Raymond (Love Pour Over Me’s main character), as with many people, I saw my fair share of struggles as a kid. I tried to understand unclear and hard-to-explain events that were happening around me; like you did when you were a kid, I tried to explain the hard-to-explain through the eyes of a very young child.

It’s these attempts to explain the mysterious that can cause childhood and adult confusion. Add the drive to be right and it’s easy to see why people like Raymond Clarke get stuck. The thing is that Raymond is not alone. He’s not the only person who develops defense systems to avoid future hurts. He’s not the only one who keeps expecting childhood survival strategies to work effectively after he becomes an adult.

Here are the seven great reasons to read the Love Pour Over Me book

If you’ve even once struggled to make sense of your life, especially your childhood, you might get more than you’d imagine from reading Love Pour Over Me. You might see the value in taking the time to do the personal, inner work to finally move forward. Additionally, you might fall in love with Raymond, Brenda, Anthony and other characters in Love Pour Over Me. You might get lost in a very good book.

That alone would be worth reading the nearly 300 page novel that is Love Pour Over Me. Six more reasons to read the Love Pour Over Me book are:

  • Authentic friendships – After he arrives to college in Philadelphia, Raymond runs into four men, each hailing from a different part of America or the world. These men become fast friends, developing a bond that celebrity, money, women nor disappointments or secrets can break.
  • Inspiration – Whether you’re reading about Raymond’s childhood and watching a young Raymond interact with his troubled father, Malcolm, or you’re watching Raymond desperately try to keep his heart from Brenda, you may be inspired as you turn the pages of Love Pour Over Me.
  • Passions on display – Short term relationships aren’t the only starring connects in Love Pour Over Me. Raymond and Brenda’s tested romance also isn’t the only “true gem” relationship that survives this book’s shaking challenges.
  • Remarkable success – Raymond is one of America’s top middle distance runners. His is a near matchless athletic talent. But, Raymond’s not alone when it comes to uncommon athletic prowess. Anthony more than holds his own on the football field.
  • Murder mystery – He never asked for it. And yet, Raymond becomes witness to a murder. He also never asked to be closely connected to someone who may have committed the killing.
  • Changed lives – If our lives don’t change, what’s the purpose of contrast? You’ll be surprised at the Raymond who you see at the end of Love Pour Over Me. You might also finally learn to love Raymond’s father, Malcolm.

Give yourself a chance to explore, enjoy and benefit from reading the Love Pour Over Me book

Love Pour Over Me is a novel that recounts Raymond Clarke’s life events. Set in Dayton, Ohio and later Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, a portion of Love Pour Over Me takes place in Africa, namely Madagascar. The 1980s is the time period that the story unfolds in. Think the Los Angeles Lakers, smooth R&B cuts, a non-Internet world (can you imagine?!), closer knit neighborhoods, thriving community bookstores, gas prices being at about $1 a gallon, music videos airing all day and the rise of cable television.

You may have been a young adult, teen, child or not yet born then. As you read Love Pour Over Me, you’ll get to explore a time that saw many inventions and challenges. Most of all, you’ll get to witness the evolution of a man. You’ll get the chance to witness the evolution of a family, five friends and a soul mate couple who, despite their hard setbacks, simply belong together (You’ll know this for certain by the time you reach the last page of the Love Pour Over Me book!) As tough as it was to write at times, I loved creating the book that is Love Pour Over Me. Now I want you to enjoy reading it.

Ready to enjoy a good book? Pick up your copy of Love Pour Over Me in print or ebook form at Amazon.com by clicking – Read Love Pour Over Me

Are you choosing bad relationships over real love?

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Picture of young couple in love
Wikimedia Commons, Picture by Yudi bhardwaj

By Denise Turney


It’s no secret. Everyone wants to receive and to give love. Our childhood experiences can create fear in us as it regards love. Grow up with a parent who exhibits unpredictable behavior, particularly dangerous or abusive behavior, and we could come to believe that we must be on guard all the time, even putting up inner alarms against closeness.

Why are you afraid of love?

Unwanted endings like relationship breakups and stagnation can also create fear in us regarding love. Before long, we’re guarding ourselves against real intimacy. We can also guard against closeness, including closeness with a good friend.

Think of it this way. If every time you walked through a red and purple gate in a neighborhood in New York City you were bit by a dog, there’s a strong likelihood that you would eventually feel anxious and afraid as you neared any red and purple gate, regardless of the city or the neighborhood that the gate was in.

The thing is that, despite your fear and your dedication to avoiding closeness, you want to receive and to give love. Every living being wants to receive and to give love. It is how we are created. If we are extensions of love itself, what else could we want?

For safety’s sake, we may make and feel intensely attracted to a substitute for love. Result of this could be an intense attraction for dysfunctional relationships. Drs. Mark Borg, Jr., Grant Brenner and Daniel Berry discuss this phenomenon with me on Off The Shelf book radio. It’s a topic that continues to attract interest from psychologists, counselors, couples and singles.

Head down the right road this time

And no wonder. We want to know why we keep feeling intensely strong emotions (like the wrong relationship is absolutely right) for the relationship that won’t help us to grow and experience love. You guessed it! Our fear is actually taking us down twists and turns, in effort to protect us, that will keep us from real love, the very thing that we need to be healthy, balanced, joyous and thriving.

Signs that you might be headed for the wrong relationship start with you thinking that someone is perfect. Another sign is thinking that someone will complete you and make you feel happier. When we expect too much from another person, we do not know ourselves. We feel that we are lacking, an erroneous belief that sets us on a path to find someone who has what we think we are lacking.

When the person doesn’t live up to our expectations, we may feel cheated, angry, frustrated, sad, depressed and — once again, cheated. As Drs. Mark Borg, Jr., Grant Brenner and Daniel Berry share on Off The Shelf book radio, we actually set ourselves up for this trap, a trap that we may not even realize that we have stepped into until we’re months or years into a relationship.

We may not choose our parents, but, we can choose to do the inner work and stop replaying the script for childhood dysfunctional relationships. It beats staying in a stagnant relationship, putting up with abuse or running and hiding from closeness and love. These are just a few of the lessons that Raymond Clarke and Brenda, the love of Raymond’s life, learn in my latest book, Love Pour Over Me.

As we start our journey into a new year, commit to doing the work to awaken more. Start to recognize when you are running and hiding from closeness, real intimacy and healthy relationships. Do the work to remove any fears that you have of love and watch your attractions change, setting you up for real, healthy love relationships.

**Thank you for hanging out with me. Keep up with track and field, drag racing and the wonderful world of books by visiting my blog often. Grab your copy of Love Pour Over Me at https://www.ebookit.com/books/0000001582/Love-Pour-Over-Me.html or http://www.amazon.com/Love-Pour-Over-Me-ebook/dp/B007MC0Z2C or http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/love-pour-over-me-denise-turney/1109600654

Track’s Tyson Gay and Genzebe Dibaba are looking good

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By Denise Turney

track runner tyson gay

Pic by Eckhard Pecher – Wikimedia Commons

I’m watching the Prefontaine Classic at Oregon’s Hayward Field. Glad I caught the meet. Genzebe Dibaba commanded the women’s 5000 meter race. Had she had competition, I think she would have gotten the world record. She ran an impressive race, netting the fastest time by a woman at the 5000 meters in the United States. What a joy it was watching her run!

Tyson Gay and Justin Gatlin take the Prefontaine Classic

Tyson Gay, owner of America’s fastest 100 meter sprint, topped the 100 meters at this year’s Prefontaine Classic, running a 9.88. It was good to see Tyson Gay back on the track, in racing form. He said the race showed him that he’s in good shape, a positive event that could be the beginnings of a great summer.

Competition for Tyson Gay was stiffer than it was for Justin Gatlin who came out strong in the 200 meters. Justin Gatlin was clocked at 19:68. He came around the turn in command of the race. Usain Bolt hasn’t officially run a 19:68 since 2013. When Justin Gatlin and Jamaica’s Usain Bolt meet up in the 200 meters in the summer, hopefully, that will be a sprint for the record books.

As a fan of Harvey Glance’s, a 1970s relay Olympic gold medalist, I was delighted to watch Kirani James command the men’s 400 meters. Kirani James left no question in my mind as to who is the best 400 meters runner in the world. He was clocked at 43:95. It’s the fastest time in the world this year.

In the women’s 400 meters, Allyson Felix shined. She truly shined, putting in a 50:05. It should be exciting to see how these and other top track and field athletes perform at the August Track and Field World Championships.

Pic by Erik van Leeuwen – Wikimedia Commons

We may have to wait until then to see how the American’s and other world class track and field athletes perform against Usain Bolt, Jamaica’s other top sprinters and top athletes from other parts of the world, athletes who weren’t at this weekend’s 40th Prefontaine Classic. One thing is sure. It’s looking like a track and field summer that won’t disappoint.

Want to follow the inner workings of a fictional top track and field athlete? Enter the world of Love Pour Over Me‘s Raymond Clarke, a man with a troubled past and the courage to create and live an amazing present-day life.

Get your copy of “Love Pour Over Me” Now at –

http://www.ebookit.com/books/0000001582/Love-Pour-Over-Me.html