By Freelance Writer and Books Author Denise Turney

What if much of what you believe about love, especially as it regards healthy romantic relationships, is wrong? Could the core of what you believe about healthy romantic relationships apply to something else, not to romance at all?

Healthy Romantic Relationships Rooted in Personal Experience

Based on personal experiences, you may believe that love is kind. You also might believe that love is patient. Foundation for this belief is 1 Corinthians 13:1. The scripture states that, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

Whether or not you grew up in a religious home, for you, love might have to prove itself. Transfer this to a romantic relationship, and you might push your partner to go to extremes to prove that they love you.

Should you have spent years witnessing your parents argue or inflict psychological or physical harm on each other when their emotions were strong, you might think that people get loud and violent when they love each other a lot. Try as you may, it’s impossible to make a complete break from what your childhood taught you about healthy romantic relationships.

Love Quotes and Healthy Romantic Relationships

On top of that, we all want love, especially to feel loved. But no one is always kind, always patient? No one is only one-way. Sometimes you and your lover are frustrated, angry, discouraged. This is where love appears to come up short. And this is when relationships can seem like too much of an investment.

Statements about love, including the oft spoken “love you to the moon and back” and inspirational love quotes like “Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within” by James Baldwin and “The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in” by Morrie Schwrtz, require action.

Uttering love quotes doesn’t create magic. Love itself isn’t a form of magic.

Creating and sustaining healthy romantic relationships is not easy. It’s not a snap. Perhaps part of the reluctance to take the actions necessary to give and to receive love consistently has to do with how you define love. It’s these definitions that are explored in the 5 love languages. (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/)

Impact of Your 5 Love Languages on Your Healthy Romantic Relationships

For this reason, it may be worth exploring your particular love language. Just know, the results of your 5 love languages survey may surprise you.

But those surprises can be good, especially if you’re open to exploring new ways to give and receive what you believe to be love. Additionally, results of your 5 love languages survey might reveal why you feel frustrated, unheard or unappreciated by your romantic partner, even as they work to express their love for you.

Knowing how you define or see love could help you to get to the heart of what’s keeping you away from good relationships, including healthy romantic relationships. Also, the way that your parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles defined love could be a key factor in how you try to get (or stay away from) to love.

Advice on Love and Relationships

Their relationships could also be impacting whether or not you believe that love is even at the heart of good relationships. Admittedly, a childhood filled with parental unkindness, impatience and cruelty can serve like a roadblock to love.

Yet, childhood trauma doesn’t shut off the desire for love. To recover, you might make an illusion of love. You might end the person you care about (and who you want to love you) flowers, love quotes and love letters, hoping it will spark a sustainable romance.

Or you might convince yourself that this give and take means you’re in a healthy romantic relationship when, in actuality, you’re not. If this happens, years could pass before you recognize that you’re in a troubled relationship.

Knowing What Love Is

This is why it takes at least one person who has truly experienced love to be in the relationship. Experience real love firsthand, and you will know what love is. You’ll also know when love is missing from romance.

If you think about couples who have given and received love from each other for years, you witnessed this happening. This witnessing is beautiful. Yet, it doesn’t mean you’ll convince your partner to release their trauma and let love in.

Love in Action as Part of Healthy Romantic Relationships

Yet, patience and kindness are more than ideas. They are a choice, an action. And, as with all choices and actions, you have to believe that the reward you’ll receive for taking an action is equal to or more than what you think you give up (invest) by taking that very action, by making that very choice. Which brings us back to childhood.

Isn’t that the best place to witness love? If not in childhood, definitely during early adulthood.

Considering this, imagine what life would be like if each person made witnessing love a priority. You’d turn away from abuse, not investing a second in rationalizing as you tried to convince yourself that witnessing love’s opposite was a good way for you to learn about love. Instead, you’d feel attracted to those who are patient, kind, caring, loving and working to awaken. And you’d want to be empowered by witnessing true love in action.

Witnessing Love In Action

Raymond doesn’t make witnessing love a priority. Like you, especially if you had a challenging childhood, he makes surviving a priority. After he gets to college, this changes. It’s at college where he meets Brenda, someone who truly loves him. Theirs is a complicated romantic relationship. Yet, despite its complications, their love truly does take them to the heart of a very good romantic relationship.

It’s not sudden. It happens over time, a long time. But, once you arrive at the heart of love, there’s no turning back. As happens with Raymond and Brenda, you won’t want to go back.

Researching love is not enough. Talking about love is not enough. Knowing your 5 love languages can’t fully prepare you for this experience.

Getting to love from where you are right now is the point. At times, reaching true love may seem impossible, like too difficult a task. Yet, giving up on getting to love is the one thing that you don’t want to do. After all, getting to love is getting to the real you. As it is for Raymond, there are many people and many experiences to help you get there.