Books Author Denise Turney

Surviving the loss of a loved one is powerfully emotional. It leaves you changed. Try as you may, you can’t fully bounce back the way you used to be. It helps to have a good friend, someone who knows you and will just be there for you, their grieving friend. But how do you learn to help a friend who’s grieving?

When You’re Experiencing a Similar Loss

It’s hard to experience grief alone. Yet, there are times, such as major pandemics and large-scale job layoffs, when you may grieve with large numbers of people.

During times when you’re experiencing a similar loss with large numbers of people, you may not feel the full impact of the loss right away. In fact, you might delay grief, postponing the inevitable. Do that and you could get stuck, not to mention feel alone when you have no choice except to look at the loss.

Go through this once, and you may never forget the importance of grieving instead of repressing. Furthermore, you might not forget the importance of grieving as soon as a loss occurs. Another thing that you won’t forget is how deep the pain associated with grief can dig. It might not make a lot of sense now, but this combination could prepare you to help a grieving friend in the future.

Struggling In Awkward Silence

Even if you don’t want to, you might struggle in awkward silence when you’re around your grieving friend. You might not know what to say. You might not know what to do. Fortunately, if you really want to help, there are ways you can make it easier for your grieving friend to heal.

One of the best things you can do is to simply sit with your grieving friend and listen. As tempting as it may be, avoid offering advice. Even more, it might be good to postpone giving words of encouragement. Just be there and listen.

This is because, as good as your intentions might be, nothing that you say may help to heal your friend’s pain right now. During highly emotional times, the best words could be received as uncaring, cold or dismissive. I experienced this after my son transitioned.

When People Don’t Want You To Change

Despite people’s intentions, much of what they said felt dismissive. On top of that, I knew that the people talking with me had not experienced the loss that I had, except for one friend who’d years earlier lost a son. Also, some things that some friends said came across as if they wanted me to act as if nothing had changed. They didn’t want to see me changed.

When this happens, you could be tempted to try to push or rush your friend through grieving. Another thing to remember is that each person grieves differently. Here’s another way that you could help a grieving friend.

Steer clear of telling your friend that she or he is “doing good” while dealing with the loss. Not only does this sound judgmental (as if you’re judging how close your friend is reacting to how you think she or he should react), it sends the message that there’s a certain way to grieve.

Journaling Helps

You may have heard someone who’s trying to encourage a grieving friend say, “you’re doing good” or “you’re strong” if the grieving friend doesn’t cry at all or doesn’t cry much. This could be a sign that the speaker doesn’t want to deal with changes grief can bring. It’s as if the person is saying, “You’re doing good at not making me deal with this loss much.”

Try to avoid this approach.

Instead, sit with your friend, even if you sit in silence. Another thing you can do is to gift your friend with a journal. Writing in a journal is a good way for your friend to express what’s she’s feeling and thinking. Journaling as a practice, is a good way to work through hard emotions and troubling experiences. Admittedly, it sounds simple. But it works.

You could also gift your friend with a daily devotional that includes personal writings from people who’ve felt the sting of loss. Some devotionals start with a quote or scripture, followed by the personal write-up.

Experiencing Difficult Losses

Because the devotional’s contributors have experienced difficult losses, your grieving friend might feel like he’s hearing from someone who knows and cares as he reads the book.

Gifting your friend with the freedom to weep is another way to support your friend. At some point, your friend might want to talk with you about the loss. The more they open up and talk, the more they might cry. They might also want to hear you speak their loved one’s name, showing that you want to remember and acknowledge that the person had been here.

If your friend’s loss is marital or job related, your friend might want to share uncomfortable emotions like anger, frustration and loss of hope.

You’re a Blessing

Ask your friend if it’s okay for you to visit. Should your friend start to isolate, consider stopping by her home or treating her to lunch.

Offering to cook, walk a pet, babysit or do another chore could prove beneficial. As good as in-person visits are, so too are regular telephone conversations. By your actions, let your friend know that you are there for her and want to support her.

And continue to understand grief. As a start, you could familiarize yourself with the grieving process (remembering that not everyone goes through the stages the same). Steer clear of quoting scriptures and trying to push your grieving friend toward thinking or feeling a certain way. All in all, if you’re a sincere friend, your grieving friend will likely appreciate you just being there.