By Books Author Denise Turney

What happens between fathers and sons matters, endures. Family is everything because, to begin, family is the bedrock of your experiences. It might not appear this way when you’re a kid. In fact, the world may feel like it’s your oyster then. You may have confidence to pursue your biggest dreams. After all, you’re not alone. If you’re fortunate, your parents afford you financial, emotional and physical security.

Ongoing Support Between Fathers and Sons

All you have to do is go to school and maybe work a part-time job as a teen. Ongoing support you receive helps you to recover from disappointments. Doesn’t matter if you’re an only child and a son who’s expected to take the helm in less than 15 years. Like Raymond, before you’re out of your teen years, you may have bounced back from tremendous challenges. Come on. Face it. You’ve bounce back and, if you’re like Raymond, you’ve bounced back more than once.

And this could be why my dad told me that “children are resilient” when I was growing up. Back then, I felt angry when my father shared how resilient he thought kids were. Basically, I interpreted him saying that kids are resilient to mean that a child could wipe away any amount of harm, replacing it with fun and laughter, as if no harm had happened to them.

What My Dad Said Was Like Magic

What my dad said was like magic, except that it wasn’t true. In fact, what happens to you during childhood can stick around for a long time. Raymond knows this for sure. His story is part of a father and son novel that is leaving an imprint on readers. If your story is similar to Raymond’s, you may believe that family is everything but wish that it wasn’t.

In Raymond’s case, his father was all that he had. You see, his mother abandoned him when he was two years old. Years would pass before Raymond would become aware of the fact that his father struggled with alcoholism. By then, the damage had been done.

There was no resiliency at work here. But does lack of resilience mean that communication between fathers and sons has been permanently eroded? Additionally, would it even be worth it for these two men, one a generation ahead of the other, to try to resolve their issues and move forward? Would it even be possible to repair such a damaged relationship and advance?

Questions Worth Asking

These are questions worth thought. Why? As this blog opened with, family is everything. Family is where you learn to perceive your worth, even if what your family teaches you is all wrong. Also, regardless of the pain that you experience at the hands or statements of your relatives, family is still home.

Family is the place you return to off and on. Even if you have hard emotions as it relates to the only “family” that you’ve known, it’s still your family. It’s still your home. For this reason, it’s worth it to do however much work it takes to clear away the debris and to heal inner wounds.

For some, this work may include truly transparent father to son discussions. Work like this can be slow. At times, the work may be grueling. During these “dear father dear son” talks, men may have to face past experiences that they’d rather run away from. A son may hold his father responsible for every failure, disappointment and feelings of being “stuck” that he’s experienced. Although it may not be voiced, a father might view the responsibility of caring for his son as too heavy a burden.

Father To Son Discussions

This is why it can be scary to be fully transparent and talk openly during a father to son discussion. Not everything that comes up will be beautiful. Yet, these conversations can be beneficial and rewarding. Hopefully, these conversations will dive into the expectations that these two men have of one another.

Expectations play a big role in family love and definitely in the father to son relationship. A study mentioned in Psychology Today points to how father to son expectations can prove too burdensome. The Psychology Today article shares that, “fathers’ rigid expectations can cause low self-esteem and relationship satisfaction in their adult sons.”

Staying in these hard places is not necessary. But, it takes consistent work. Fortunately, many sons and fathers exercise the courage to face this work, to do this good work. As Psych Alive states, “Most men will have a strong pull toward salvaging something of a relationship with “the old man.” We may still have a desire to address the damage,and try to have a more personal relationship with our fathers.”

Healing Wounded Relationships

Psych Alive goes on to share that, “If we decide to tackle this wounded relationship in therapy, we will invariably encounter an array of painful childhood memories. We will experience waves of disappointment, rage, and grief at the loss of what we never had with our fathers. By bravely revealing and working through this boiling cauldron of emotion we may come to a meaningful resolution.”

If this is your first time looking at the father to son relationship, make no assumptions. Each father to son relationship is different. Howbeit, what may be common among the father son relationship is the list of needs that a son may have of his father.

Common Father to Son Needs

Below are common needs that sons may have of their fathers as shared by All Pro Dad:

• Sons need to know that their fathers love their mothers (remembering that all fathers are also sons)
• It’s important for sons to see their fathers rebound from failures (this may help free sons of the fear of failing – after all, failures are tremendous teachers)
• Appreciation from a son for how his father is present when they are together may be unable to be fully measured or expressed
• Forever love, regardless of what a son does or says
• Affirmation that he is valued, worthy and good just as he is at his core
• Leadership is another need that sons have of their fathers. Sons benefit from watching their fathers exhibit effective, loving leadership skills.

Father Son Places of Safety

Since we’re all connected, it’s important for each of us to do what it takes to be strong. The wounded father to son relationship has to heal and strengthen to where both fathers and sons know that they are empowered simply because they are alive. A good first step may be for fathers and sons to examine their expectations of themselves and of one another.

Substituting hard expectations with the expectation of being loved, accepted and supported is a good start. Simply feeling safe to share thoughts and ideas is also empowering. Fathers and sons — everyone — needs this safety.