Dealing With Major Life Changes – When You Can’t Go Back

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By Books Author Denise Turney

People outdoors on a street dealing with major life changes
People outdoors on street Wikimedia Commons, Picture by Moheen Reeyad

Major life changes can knock the wind out of you. They can break your heart. One way you might be dealing with big shifts is by creating a set schedule. For instance, you might have developed a schedule for when you wake, exercise, check emails and relax for the evening. You could even commute the same way.

But schedules can’t stop life from coming at you. That’s right. Living small or forcing yourself into predictable routines won’t save you from big shifts. They could even push you toward boredom which, in time, could develop into a gnawing depression.

Daily Routines Go Away

I learned this the hard way after years of sticking with a workable routine. What you think is predictable won’t save you, even if that predictability is rooted in religion. The first time I learned this was after my mom transitioned.

Then, I learned this when my dad moved, leaving us with our paternal grandparents for a year. And I definitely learned this after my son transitioned. Writing novels couldn’t save me then. I’m surprised that I even started writing on another novel.

Dealing with Major Life Changes

So, what to do? How can you effectively deal with major life changes, especially the types of changes that you can never turn back from?

For starters, acknowledge that you are dealing with a major life change. Discover the impact that the change could have on you. The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory could be a good place to start.

Additionally, you might find it helpful to write about what happened (e.g., divorce, layoff, loved one transitioning). Even more, it might prove beneficial to talk with a trusted friend or professional about what you are going through.

Stay Motivated – Keep Going

And, referring to “going through”, encourage yourself that you will get through what you’re experiencing. Be honest about what you feel and experience.

Take breaks, especially when you feel yourself becoming imbalanced. Also, exercise, drink plenty of water and eat a healthy diet.

Pay attention to times when you feel tempted to eat or drink unhealthy. It could be a sign that you need to rest. It could be a sign that you need support.

Love yourself. Give yourself the positive help that you need.

More Ways to Deal with Major Life Changes

Getting outside for 40 or more consecutive minutes a day helped me tremendously while I was dealing with a job layoff during the Great Recession. Who knows? It might prove beneficial for you too.

Here are more way to deal with major life changes. Keep in mind, that honesty, patience and self-love are key components of each of the below actions:

  • Depending on the life change, you could write down benefits that derived from the change. For example, after I was laid off, I launched my freelance writing career. I also discovered more ways to connect my novels with appreciative book readers.
  • Take action to move into the next phase of your life. After all, you know that you can’t stay where you are. You don’t want to get stuck in a bad place.
  • Go on a social media and TV diet. Trying reading a good book instead.
  • Spend time with friends. For example, you could visit with one or more friends at least once a week. You could call a friend once a week.

Tips to Help You Shift

As hard as it may be to believe, getting through major life changes can teach you a lot about yourself. You can get through what you’re facing. Here are additional actions that you could take to effectively deal with major life changes:

  • Keep connecting with people who love you. As tempting as it might be, don’t isolate yourself.
  • Get enough sleep. But don’t oversleep.
  • Appreciate healthy (non-isolating) routines.
  • Avoid adding another major change into your life until you get through this change mentally, emotionally and physically.
  • Watch your finances. Don’t overspend. Money can’t help you avoid the stress that you want to run away from.
  • Try something different once a day or once a week. It could be something as small as driving a new route to work or trying a new salad when you visit a restaurant.

In this world, it’s impossible to avoid change. Regardless of what happens in your life, you’ll find great benefit in being patient with yourself. At the same time, sticking a few existing routines could help prevent you from feeling like the ground is shifting right beneath your feet.

But routines won’t save you from change. They can help reduce stress, but they won’t stop change. Keep moving in the right direction. Keep advancing. Surround yourself with loving people. Offer yourself as much support, peace and love that you can. Be like Mulukan in Long Walk Up and never, ever give up on YOU.

10 Virtual Book Marketing Tips

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By Books Author Denise Turney

Gone are the days when writer’s conferences, book festivals and live author book signings were held solely in-person. COVID-19 shifted those trends. To succeed in today’s literary world as an author, you need to implement the right virtual book marketing techniques.

Additionally, and as solitary as the book industry may seem to be, in order to thrive, bookstore owners, book publishers, literary agents, publicists and authors need to connect with each other as well as with readers. Keep reading to discover how to make these connections online.

books on laptop screen and book marketing ipad
Book marketing website

Book Marketing from Remote Locations

Traditional book marketing options have definitely changed, thanks to COVID-19. But there are still ways to develop and maintain rewarding connections with book buyers and industry leaders. This article focuses on keyways that authors and readers can connect online.

It’s important to remember that book marketing is about more than selling books. In fact, it’s while marketing books that authors get the chance to build rewarding face-to-face relationships with book buyers. Especially during book signings, writers can ask readers what appealed to them about their novel, who their favorite characters are and what they’d like to see in upcoming books.

The below tips have been proven to work in the virtual world. There’s only one tip that you might have to leave your home to complete.

These 5 Tips Support Social Distancing

The first tip is important for nearly any book marketing environment. In fact, you may want to keep using that tip and the other tips after in-person book events increase:

  1. Create a book mailing list. Looking for ways to do this? Add a “Subscribe Here” button to your website. Offer website visitors the chance to win free copies of your books as giveaways. To participate in giveaways, ask website visitors to fill out a form that requires them to provide their email address. Include a box for visitors to check, confirming that they agree to receive discount, free and informational content from you.
  2. Host a Facebook Live book reading. In fact, this is great way to stir up interest in older titles. And it’s a great way to generate interest in your soon-to-be-released novel.
  3. Build a newsletter. If you’re looking to save time, try an automated mail system like Mail Chimp, Constant Contact, Mail Monkey, etc.
  4. Schedule online radio interviews. Podcasts like Off The Shelf Books Talk Radio conduct one-hour author feature interviews.
  5. Send electronic holiday greetings. Send electronic holiday greetings to targeted recipients (e.g., readers who’ve purchased one or more books from you, book club presidents, leaders of organizations that work in the field your book is focused in).

More Book Marketing Tips in a Virtual World

  1. Design social media headers. These are professional headers that attract immediate attention. However, if you don’t have solid design skills, consider working with a talented graphics artist or website designer.
  2. Order a book marketing magnet for your car. Place the magnet on your car’s bumper or the front or back doors.
  3. Join a cross-author book promotion group. And be prepared to share other writers’ books with your contacts. Writers in the group will do the same for your titles.
  4. Introduce your books to private social media groups. But don’t just market your books. Post questions, answer questions and offer tips.
  5. Develop cool book marketing postcards to mail to your contacts. This is where you may have to leave home and go to the post office. Why? These are hard (hold-in-your-hand) postcards.

Growing Book Marketing Strategies

Social distancing or not, marketing books is not easy. To be successful, as an author, you have to be committed. This means, that you market your books even if you go days without a book sale. You market books when it’s storming outside, you feel like you’re wasting time and your outreach yields numerous “no’s”.

Also, to know which book marketing actions best fit your book, your schedule, travel and financial situation, track your efforts. You’ll love that this is as simple as tracking contacts like book clubs, radio stations, newspaper editors, librarians and social media groups on a spreadsheet. Update the spreadsheet with outreach results. For example, did your email to a local radio DJ yield you an interview? If so, log that on the spreadsheet with the date of the interview.

It can be so beneficial. In fact, when more in-person events are held, consider incorporating the above tips into your standard book marketing efforts. Also, stay creative. In other words, keep looking for and developing new, effective ways to find and connect with readers.

Stay Strong If Life Gets Tough

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By Books Author Denise Turney

Woman looking in mirror holding weights to stay strong
Woman Lifting Weights to Stay Strong Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Scott Webb

It’s easy to stay strong when you don’t feel pressured. But let a series of unexpected events drop into your life and you could start to wobble psychologically and emotionally. As difficult as it may feel to stay in the game, don’t let this challenge stop you.

If you’re struggling, it’s understandable. Why? You can’t plan for every experience you’re going to have to muscle through. What you can do is build safeguards.

Preparing for Emergencies

Even if managing budgets isn’t your thing, you can invest in an emergency fund. This could reduce stress you feel around unexpected auto repairs, medical bills or a job layoff. And, as someone who was laid off during the Great Recession, let me tell you – an emergency fund is a sure advantage. I highly recommend creating an emergency fund.

But an emergency fund won’t make you aware of every emergency that’s headed your way. And it’s this uncertainty that can wear you down, especially if you are pushed into a situation that demands that you face heightened levels of uncertainty day after day after day.

Stay strong.

Stay Strong Start to Finish

As someone who’s been thru her share of the unexpected, please let me share a few tips on how to stay strong if life gets tough. Here goes:

  • Start the day saying “Thank You” – That’s right, appreciation yields huge returns. As tough as it might feel, open up to sincere appreciation.
  • Bring your hobbies alive – Regularly engage in a hobby you love.
  • Activate a talent – Similar to hobbies, start using your talents.
  • Drink plenty of water – stay hydrated
  • Eat green leafy vegetables
  • Get outside and move – For example, you could enjoy a walk, jog, hike, swim, dance or bike ride.

More Ways to Stay Strong

It’s worth noting that, while you incorporate these actions into your day, willpower won’t suffice, not in the long run. The best willpower hits a wall, finds a stopping point. These times call for motivation. Above all, remember why you started pursuing a goal. That reminder is a powerful motivator. Check out these ways to stay motivated during hard times.

  • Read encouraging writings that are rooted in truth
  • Find someone or something to help, especially if the assistance is linked to a goal you’re pursuing
  • Map out how you can get out of the challenge you’re currently experiencing. For instance, you could list resources, contacts and specific actions you will take to get on the other side of the challenge. Trying to get out of debt? List your bills on a spreadsheet. Then, list your income, additional work you can take on to bring in more money and debts you could eliminate now (e.g., cable bill, streaming service, eating out). Set deadlines for when you will pay off bills. During this time, do not create new bills or get new credit cards.
  • Celebrate small success. As an example, you could light a candle, buy yourself flowers or enjoy an edible treat after you take a step towards a positive goal.
  • Keep making friends and strengthening healthy relationships

Strength in Real Life Connections

Above all, stay connected to people. If you’re in an isolated area, consider getting a pet. At first, it may not seem like it. But maintaining real life connections is a key way to stay strong if life gets tough. These real-life connections are face-to-face connections.

Even if you seek support from people in private social media groups, maintain healthy face-to-face connections. Also, don’t expect (or wait for) other people to reach out to you if you’re in a tough situation.

Reach out first. In time, others should start taking the initiative to reach out. Definitely stay open to making new friends.

While you practice appreciation, map out how you will address the challenge and maintain healthy face-of-face connections, believe in YOU! Don’t give up on yourself. There really is more within you than you may ever know while you’re in this world. You’d be shocked to know how much is in you. So, stay strong if life gets tough. Stay motivated and reach your deepest, most important goals.

Quiet Time at Home Calls for Good Books

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By African American Books Author Denise Turney

Love Pour Over Me good books cover
Love Pour Over Me Book Cover

Good books make home the sweetest place. Let’s paint the scene. You’ve just knocked out a 10-hour workday, talk about feeling happy to be home. The first thing you do is kick your shoes off and head for the refrigerator, where you pour yourself a cold, inviting glass of apple juice.

When the Mood Shifts

But that’s not enough. Ten minutes don’t pass before you pull a new mystery thriller out of your den’s bookcase, and sit down with that delicious apple juice, cross your legs and start to read. Oh, the joys of a peaceful home.

Home really is where the heart is. It’s comforting, the spot where you lay your burdens down.

Convincing?

Here’s another way to look at it. Even considering how good it feels to be home after a trying day, let a rush freelance project, unexpected school exam, illness or home repair require you to stay home for two weeks, and the feel of home could change.

Likeable-Loveable Book Characters

Your once peaceful abode can suddenly feel like an island you can’t get off of. Know what time it is? It’s time for a good book.

Yes. To get a welcoming fresh start, explore the inner workings of good books. A taut, suspense novel like Spiral, The Firm, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo or Devil In A Blue Dress, can keep you so caught up wondering what’s coming next that hours may pass before you realize that you’re still sitting on the living room sofa. This is just one reason why books make the best gifts.

If yours is a particularly warm, passionate heart, try curling up in your cozy bed, soft pastel pillows pushed gently against your elbows and ribs. Let the hours pass gently as you get so acquainted with two main characters in a moving romance novel like The Wedding Date, Forget Me Not, The Notebook or Love Pour Over Me, that the characters feel like friends you never want to part with.

Good Books That Entertain – Change Your Life

Options are open. When it comes to good books, there’s a story in every genre, from the classics to new releases, some set in the yet-to-be-discovered future, to noble traditional fiction books. With good fiction, it’s easy to let the author steer you along a pathway that you’d never expected to be on. Read books written by a rare talent, and you might feel like your life has been changed for the better even before you turn the last page.

Thing is, it was a poetry book written by Chicago’s great Gwendolyn Brooks, that changed my life. I am fortunate to have been introduced to this thin book of poetry when I was 10 years old. It was a time of great change in my life. My sister found the book in our elementary school library. It’s still odd to me how my sister dropped the book on the bed that we shared then turned, raced back down the stairs and headed outside to play. She never read the book. Me. The book changed my life.

Time to Read a Good Book

It was the end of a routine, uneventful school day. At first, I didn’t want to read the book. Being in a funk, it took me a few minutes to give into my love of reading, a habit that brings endless reward. You got it. Soon, I had the book in my hands. It was then that I was pulled under Gwendolyn Brooks’ spell.

That book of poems changed my life. It really did. For the first time, book characters seemed alive. And the scenes that the characters were placed in felt real, reminding me of real-life settings my family, friends and I had found ourselves in.

While I read the book, everything seemed to have shifted. Really. If you’ve read a good book, you know the effect that a great story has on you. Admittedly, it’s hard to trade something else in for this rare experience.

Read good books and you could tap into inspiration to live your best life. Your confidence could lift, vision to solve a problem might surface and the gift of connecting with amazing, complicated characters could be yours.

So, if you’re stuck in the house, mentally nibbling on the edges of cabin fever, consider reaching for a good book. All you’ll have to do is turn the pages. A talented writer makes everything else so easy. At the end of the journey, you may be more than entertained. You may tap into courage, motivation, creativity and pleasure. In the most amazing, unexpected ways, you might be changed.

Life Changing Stories that Matter

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

life changing stories in books website picture
Life changing stories

Life changing stories are part of the human experience. Sharpen your radar, and you might notice that people tell stories before they ask for money, for a time investment, or for a favor like helping them to pack and move. For example, just before she asks you to help her pay her rent, a friend might tell you a story about how she contracted a virus and incurred an unexpected medical bill.

Life Changing Stories – Lasting Impact

Certainly, some of us are better storytellers than others. And it doesn’t mean that someone is lying simply because he tells good stories. In fact, before humans were writing or reading, we were telling stories. Oral traditions date back centuries. In places like West Africa, oral storytelling was used to entertain, educate and maintain histories. As it did then, storytelling offers so much to appreciate, love and share.

In other parts of the world, chants were used as part of storytelling. So too were songs, poems and dance. Clearly, storytelling is a powerful communication tool. Marketers use it to develop emotional connections between consumers and their brands, products and/or services. Preachers use it to clarify scriptures and biblical teachings. Furthermore, romantic couples use storytelling to build a bridge of understanding.

Regardless of the reason, to be impactful, stories must resonate. And, it’s not the storyteller who gets to determine how deeply a story resonates. But, a skilled storyteller can be so finely tuned into her audience, that she easily picks up cues from her audience, alerting her when to shift the focus of a story, share new events and churn a story with questions and cliffhanging emotion.

What Great Storytelling Does

Even then, the goal of the story remains unchanged. Dare it be said that the goal of a good story is to connect two people (the storyteller and the listener)? And, if not to connect the person telling the story and the listener then the goal is to connect the characters in the story and the reader.

Think about it. If you love reading stories, you probably have a few favorite book characters. Maybe it’s the inquisitive girl who grew up to be the detective who solves a century old mystery that has been plaguing a culture.

Or maybe it’s the injured Olympian who attempts suicide only to stumble upon a beggar who changes his life, inspiring him to give his life one more chance, the very chance that finds the injured Olympian doing the work that helps orphans go from living desperate to triumphant lives.

Your Part in Great Life Changing Stories

Admittedly, you may not notice it. But, as it is with the friend who tells you a story before she asks you to help pay her rent, you’re a part of the story. You’re not just a listener or a reader. In fact, the story wouldn’t work without you. Every great storyteller knows this.

Can’t you see an audience sitting around an oral storyteller centuries ago, waiting to hear what happens next, waiting to hear what the storyteller will share next? Have you ever wondered if these eager listeners knew that the stories that they listened to would impact their lives? Yes, even made up or fictional stories.

Do you think that’s why you like to read so much? You want your life to change. Somehow, you do. And you love when you happen upon a skilled storyteller who can help you to realize just that change.

Shift Dream Vision – Brand New You Spring Motivation

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By Books Author Denise Turney

spring flowers motivational shifts
Spring Flowers Wikimedia Commons – Picture by AutoGyro

Spring approaches. And so, it’s time to shift forward and in ways that don’t involve Daylight Savings Time. It’s time to shift into a brand-new vision, gain liberating spring motivation. The shift might be just what you need to persevere until the roots to your dream start to push above the surface.

Don’t Quit Your Deep Dream

Here’s the thing. Belief that you can achieve your dream works like horsepower. It’s powerful, energizing. Yet, as powerful as the belief that you can achieve your dream is, it pales in comparison to the commanding influence the belief that you will achieve your dream possesses.

Not surprisingly, the start of a dream quest is an easy time to believe that you will accomplish a goal. In fact, it gets harder as you go, especially if you’ve been developing products, marketing your brand, hitting the road doing face-to-face interviews and knocking out copy writing projects Monday thru Saturday only to reap fatigue and little financial reward.

Let that continue for two years and you might toss in the towel. But what if you’re missing something? What if someone could help you see what you’re missing? This Spring, to shift from being a disillusioned dreamer to being a dream catcher, start building the right dream team. At the very least, don’t quit your deep dream.

Spring Motivation – Smart Dream Team Building

As a solo dreamer, despite your intentions, you will fatigue yourself at some point. Desire is not enough. You really can’t do it all yourself if you plan to scale big. Hence, you need a smart team.

Think about it, successful midsize and large companies have smart teams. The right board ensures that every action you take brings you closer to fulfilling your dream. A good board also keeps you from falling prey to tunnel vision. And the right board fuels you with motivation, a critical ingredient you need to persevere.

Also, the right board pushes back when you veer off course. Members of the board may help you to build your sales, marketing, accounting and communications teams. Because you’re in business (even if you’re an artist working to sale books), draft up and sign ironclad contracts. Partnering with freelancers is another option.

Persevere To Spring Away Pipe Dream

Above all, persevere if you want to fulfill your dream. After all, you may have to change board members and other members of your dream team along the way. That alone could shake you. So, commit that you’ll persevere through highs and lows, as you’ll certainly see your share of both.

This Spring, to shift and persevere, remember why you got started. For example, did you receive inner guidance to pursue a specific dream? Did you take hold of your dream and start taking smart actions to see it fulfilled because you wanted to help fill a perceived gap in healthcare, education, law, a community? If so, does the need persist?

Stay Open To Change And Persevere

Consider this. People may be waiting for to fulfill your dream. Once you reach the next step in your dream, you may be guided to level up from there. So, you have to persevere. Who knows how many lives the fulfillment of your dream will impact.

So, surround yourself with the right dream team, nurture your dream and keep going. Also, review your finances from top to bottom. Don’t talk yourself out of looking at financial records, including your personal finances. And don’t hand this responsibility off to anyone else. Make cuts, additions and shifts as needed. This will certainly not be a one and done activity.

Review marketing and advertising costs and return on investment. Keep learning to stay abreast of industry, product, service and marketing and advertising changes. As simple as it may sound, invest time in self-care. Simply put, get enough rest, exercise and treat yourself to a healthy diet. Be open to change. Yes, be open to change. You may soon spring forward. So, persevere.

How to Design Low-Cost Social Media Book Marketing Visuals

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By Books Author Denise Turney

Author Denise Turney Twitter social media book marketing profile
Twitter Social Media Book Marketing Page

Social media book marketing can do one of two things. Go down this marketing road and you could spend loads of time (I’m talking hours each week) only to yield small results. This is a path of frustration and disillusion. I know. I’ve been on this road before.

You could also find a way to tap into the right social media book audience, connect these book lovers to an effective message and watch your book sales increase. Visuals, especially when combined with clear audio, are great ways to marry the right message with the right audience.

Social Media Book Marketing Design Tools

Here are virtual marketing design platforms that save you time. These design tools are intuitive. You can figure out how to use them in as little as a few minutes. Even more, pricing on these design programs is inexpensive. I’ve used more than one of the below tools to design book marketing visuals in less than 10 minutes. Because I generally reuse designs, after I create the designs, I save them as a PDF or JPEG.

That way, I can publish the designs to several social media platforms. It’s a cool way to keep social media book marketing messaging fresh. As a tip, include your website URL (or the URL to the site that you want readers to click on) on the actual design). And now, to the low-cost book marketing design platforms:

  • Affinity – https://affinity.serif.com/en-us/: Affinity Publisher works with iPad, Mac and Windows. Book marketing visuals you can create with Affinity rival top professional marketing designs. The Windows version cost $49.99. Images are crisp, sharp, definitely attention grabbing.
  • Bootstrap – https://getbootstrap.com/:  Blog headers, one-page websites, book marketing visual carousels and analytics are a few design options at Bootstrap. Similar to Canva, Bootstrap offers themes you can use to kick off new book marketing designs. You have to install the program to use it.
  • Canva – https://www.canva.com/: I love Canva because of how easy it is to use. There’s the option to select book marketing designs like book covers, posters, postcards and social media posts. You can use existing designs, plop in your own images or edit Canva templates. There are free designs and low-cost designs. Another feature that I love about Canva is their print options. I use this to create postcards that I snail mail to media, book clubs, etc.

More Book Marketing Design Tools

  • Constant Contact – https://www.constantcontact.com: Although I don’t consider Constant Contact to be a true book marketing design platform, Constant Contact does have templates you can use to create newsletters and presentations that you can push out to target book buyers. Cost depends on the size of your mailing list; but can be as low as $39.99 a month. Recommend using Constant Contact, or a similar program, if you plan to use the program to automate and maintain your contact list.
  • Fixma – https://www.figma.com: Pricing for Fixma start at “Free” and works up to $45 a month. Pricing depends on the number of editors working on your designs.
  • Keynote – https://www.apple.com/keynote/: This application uses the Cloud to let you design and edit presentations.
  • Pixelmator – https://www.pixelmator.com: Great design tool to build out book marketing visuals, especially if you have design experience. You can buy a package for as little as $39.99. Pixelmator is built to edit existing designs.

Marketing books and selling books is ongoing, persistent work. It takes vision, passion, commitment and drive. You have to make the right choices often enough to scale. The above book marketing design tools could help you to deliver effective messaging about your books to the right book buyers.

Love Pours When You Receive Love as It Is

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By Books Author Denise Turney

Love pours and flows everywhere that you are. Yet, love seems evasive, hard to grasp and experience, let alone hold onto. Could part of the reason why you feel as if love is separate from you, a place where you aren’t, be due to how you define love?

Love Pour Over Me picture of woman smiling toward sky
Love Pours Over Me Book Picture

What Is Love?

For example, do you think of love as a warm inner feeling? Or maybe you associate love with intuition and a sense of inner knowing. Even more, love might feel like an adrenalin rush. Depending on your childhood, you might even think that love requires sacrifice.

Believe this and you might seek out a partner, colleagues, neighbors and friends who you deem worthy for you to sacrifice yourself for. When this occurs, you might give up your opinions, beliefs and passions so the other person can fulfill their beliefs and passions.

In extreme cases, you might become mute while around these people, judging these “special” people as more important than you are. But this route leads to frustration. Because no one is “special” or better or less than anyone else.

Love and Sacrifice

Years could pass before you realize this truth, especially if the dance of sacrifice is playing out in an intimate relationship. That’s when the relationship might be severely shaken. Why? You might feel as if you’ve given a lot more than you’ve received. Furthermore, you might feel like you’d given a lot more than the other person is worth.

And this is a major reason why love is not sacrifice. After all, what would love need? If love has and is everything that’s truth, why would love need sacrifice in any form?

Perceptions and beliefs about what love is, particularly as it regards sacrifice, can make love feel far away, like it’s only for the lucky few. Lack of forgiveness also makes love seem faraway, unreal.

Forgiveness Opens You So Love Pours

You may have heard the saying you get more of what you focus on. This alone, could be a key motivator to forgive. Focus on a wrong you perceive that someone has done to you, and you could get more chances to be wronged, definitely not the way to feel love’s presence.

I learned this lesson the hard way. When I perceived that someone had mistreated me, I told myself that I’d be dumb not to dislike her. The discomfort of carrying lack of forgiveness became a burden.

So, I decided to forgive.

But forgiving felt hard. It felt like I was pushing a mountain up a mountain.

Fortunately, I read an article filled with tips on how to open up to miracles. The writer of the article shared, to open up to miracles, spend at least an hour, no more than two hours, at one time saying, “I love you,” followed by the name of the person who I was struggling to forgive.

I tried it. And to my surprise it worked! A woman who’d mistreated me for more than a year, suddenly came up to me and gave me a hug. I was floored! She did it totally out of the blue! After that, our relationship was much better, and I actually felt love when I was in the woman’s presence. Before, I’d felt fear, anger, frustration and disappointment. Better yet, our relationship never went back to the strained way that it had been before.

When It Doesn’t Feel That Love Pours and Flows

Consider your relationships. Honestly, are there relationships with colleagues, partners, adult children, relatives or friends that find you feeling angry, defensive, afraid, depressed or small? Do you feel anything except love when you’re with these people?

What do you think might be blocking love’s flow in those situations? Could forgiveness play a role, even if it’s a matter of forgiving yourself?

For me, the experience with the woman who embraced me seemingly out-of-the-blue, was all the proof I needed that lack of forgiveness blocks the realization of love’s presence. And blocking love, leaves out goodness. You have to ask yourself if you’re up for that type of sacrifice.

Love Pours Over You

It’s a question Raymond Clarke has to ask himself in the book Love Pour Over Me. For Raymond, the struggle to forgive is rooted in childhood. The final choice he makes will do more than allow him to see (or remain blind) to love’s eternal presence. The final choice he makes will change his life and the lives of several people.

And isn’t this what is happening with your decisions about love and forgiveness? So, what do you think love is? Why do you define love this way? Are you open to seeing love as much more than you imagined? Are you ready to forgive? Are you ready to open to real love?

Here are a few tips that could help you open up to receive love:

  • Write down 5 things about the person you are struggling to forgive that you appreciate
  • Pen a letter to the person, sharing specific ways you feel she/he has wronged you. End the letter by sharing two things about the person you are thankful for.
  • Journal how you feel, penning thoughts that surface as you work to forgive the person. In my case, I’d journal about the woman giving me a hug out of the blue after I spent one to two hours saying “I love you” to her out loud.

Truth is, we cannot exist without love. Therefore, love is always with us. If you don’t feel love’s presence, what do you think it blocking the feeling / thoughts / experience of love? Hopefully, Raymond’s story will help you to spot love blocks as well as motivate you to choose love.

What Are You Afraid of? Regain Your Life

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By Books Author Denise Turney

To regain your life, face what scares you. Fear or love, that is all there is to choose from. What if the only choices that you ever had, that we all have, are between fear and love? Nothing else.

Life seems much more complicated. But is it?

Think back to your childhood. How old were you when you first felt fear, when you first felt afraid?

Light from candle to regain your life
Lit Candle Wix – Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Edukeralam, Navaneeth Krishnan S

I remember this golden, brown German Shepherd across the street from where my family lived in Ohio. Back then, I was eight years old. As usual, when I was outside playing – riding a bike, enjoying a game of hopscotch or jumping rope – I was with my siblings and friends.

Fear Offers No Comfort

There certainly was comfort in numbers. Yet, regardless of how many people were outside, when that German Shepherd (his name was “King”) showed up, people darted. I’m talking teenagers and kids. Folks broke out and headed for cover.

All of this fear over a German Shepherd who had broken his backyard chain again. The more intense the fear I was experiencing became, the more angry and helpless I felt. I also wanted the dog to just disappear, making it easy for the entire scene to be over.

Oh, but, when dogs break loose, they don’t go right back from whence they came. Instead, they explore, peeing on bushes and tree trunks. They also like to kick up dirt with their hind feet, as if to let every other dog in the neighborhood know how big and bad they are. And even if they don’t intend to, they scare a lot of kids. (See these tips on how you could face fear and regain your life.)

Ever Changing Fear

My fear of “King” disappeared after my family moved to a different neighborhood. But that wasn’t the end of fear for me. After “King”, there were bullies, spooky movies, the nightly news, and a few bad grades that I was very concerned about showing my dad.

Fast forward to my adult years, and “King” was far at the back of my memory, certainly no longer something that pulled up fear in me. The 12 year old girl I’d been afraid of, the girl I let bully me in elementary school, didn’t even pop into my mind. She was long gone as it relates to fear, totally in the past.

But don’t go thinking that I stopped choosing fear over love. In fact, in place of big neighborhood dogs, school bullies and a bad report card, there were bills, fear of the unknown, fear of love, challenging work assignments and growing numbers of people I knew who were exiting their bodies or transitioning.

Yeah. The things that I chose to allow fear to use to bind me have changed. But that type of change doesn’t mean anything unless I’m choosing love instead of fear.

Regain Your Life – Choose Love Instead of Fear

The good news. It’s a choice that I’m paying attention to, practicing awareness so I can choose love. Thing is, fear, as you can see, takes on a myriad of forms. Its content remains unchanged. But the forms that fear uses seem always in motion.

Oddly, with love, it’s the content that I have long, perhaps always, focused on. Safe, warm feelings, a sense of belonging and conviction that I’m cared for are part of love’s content for me. Doesn’t matter if that content comes through my pet turtle, a friend, relative, engaging in my passion (writing) or listening to the smoothest song. If the content is there, I feel it. I appreciate it.

And the content never changes. It’s one of the things that I absolutely love about love. Perhaps it’s time that we all focused more on love’s content and less on fear and its myriad forms.

Toward this effort, I wrote a book about what fear did to a town in Memphis, Tennessee. The title of that book is Spiral. Read the book and you may be amazed at how far reaching, twisting, blinding and binding fear can get to be. It’s worse than any virus. Once fear takes root, look out. Or better yet, choose love.

Can You Join in Love Again?

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By Books Author Denise Turney

African American couple in love smiling next to bikes wearing helmets
Couple in Love with Bikes – Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Bill Branson

Feel that nudge in your heart? Maybe your core is telling you that it’s time to join in love again. But are you ready?

It’s easy to fall in love when you’re young. It’s easy to fall in love when you haven’t had your heart broken. But go through the heartache of divorce or even a non-marital breakup and you could become reluctant to enter a new romantic relationship.

And who could blame you? After all, you’re merely trying to protect yourself.

Give yourself chance to join in love again

Yet, self-protection has a cost. The highest cost is living with an invisible wall around your heart and your mind, a wall that no one can penetrate. If you’ve experienced this, you might feel alone, isolated or like no one understands you. In addition, you might start to believe that you’re simply not someone who will ever enjoy a loving, romantic relationship.

But what if you’re wrong? What if you can join in love again. What if your next relationship could actually be rewarding, enriching, empowering and inspiring?

Prepping your inner being for love

To enjoy a healthy relationship, make sure your inner being is healthy. Signs that you are inwardly healthy include:

  • Freedom from suspecting other people of doing wrong when there has been absolutely nothing done or said that would indicate that another person has intended to harm you
  • No interest in searching through your partner’s cell phone simply because you want to be certain that you’re not being cheated on (again when there has been no indication of infidelity)
  • Engaging in a variety of interest (e.g., sports, crafts, traveling)
  • Appreciation for the chance to experience new events, conversations, etc. with your partner and others
  • Lack of obsession
  • Strong family and friends support system
  • Connections with people who are positive and improving their lives
  • Taking full responsibility for yourself
  • Daily routines that encourage physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. Examples include exercising, meditating, nature walks, keeping an appreciation journal, worship of the Creator and resting.

Acknowledge your self-worth

You’re right. It takes work to maintain good inner health, especially in this world where there are long work hours, financial challenges, family demands and harsh environmental shifts. Yet, it’s doable and so worth it.

In fact, just as you brush your teeth and shower or bathe every day, it takes daily actions to maintain inner health. You need good inner health to attract other people who are committed to being inwardly healthy. Simply reading self-help books isn’t enough. You and your partner need to take the right actions to enjoy inner health.

If this is new to you, start by acknowledging your self-worth. Below are a few shortcuts that could help you acknowledge your self-worth:

  • Engage in hobbies or work that you love. For me, that’s writing page turning novels! Oh, and I also love to interview artists on Off The Shelf Books Talk Radio
  • Remind yourself that other people’s opinions do not give you real worth
  • Try something new once a month. For example, you could drive a new way to or from work, go swimming if you haven’t been to a pool in years, ride a bike, travel someplace new or try a different food.
  • Be patient with yourself. You’re learning.
  • Recall past successes.
  • Remember that your worth is not tied to what you do, how much money you have, who you know, what you weigh or where you live.
  • Say “I love you” to that gorgeous person in the mirror!

You just might be ready to join in love again

Can you join in love again? Of course, you can. In fact, joining in love with someone who is ready to love you may get easier after you acknowledge your self-worth and get your inner self healthy.

To join in love again, you also need to open up to the idea of being in a romantic relationship. Turning away from loving people, doesn’t signal that you’re welcome to romantic love. After all, just as you don’t want to be rejected, the person who’d like to approach you, doesn’t want to be rejected either.

A final thought, you’re never going to know everything that’s going to happen to you in this world. And why would you want to? In fact, opening up to surprises is part of being in love. As you start to acknowledge your self-worth more, work on your inner health and take full responsibility for yourself, surprises may stop being viewed as risks to you.

They might become opportunities to grow, have fun, avoid boredom and stay engaged in the details of your life. Surprises also might serve as a pathway into deeper, richer, fuller love experiences that you treasure with your partner. So, like Raymond Clarke in Love Pour Over Me, you just might be ready to try romantic love again.