Category Archives: Real Life Musings

Real life musings about life as a whole, including parts of life that impact singles and married couples, experience are here. These writings are also for people who are experiencing relationship changes. You’ll find articles that focus on ways to connect with family better. Other topics you’ll discover encourage children to develop a love for reading books and navigating a career are some of the blog articles written and shared here. Take your time reading through the articles. They are designed to equip you with insights, motivations, tips and inspiration that strengthen your inner being.

Special love doesn’t exist

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By Denise Turney


love flowers

Wikimedia Commons – GNU Free Documentation License

As much as we want it to, special love doesn’t exist. Why? Love isn’t fragmented. Love is complete, encompasses all that is real and endures forever. I Corinthians 13:13 says that, “But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

I John 4:7 says that, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.”

Love is complete

If love was special, God would love some more than others. Yet, God loves all that God created. Cain may have desired to receive special love from God, to be more highly thought of or cared for by God than his brother, Able. But, Cain discovered that God’s love is not fragmented. It is whole, complete.

Specialness indicates separateness. A single, whole, complete being does not have more important or special parts.

Yet, how many times do we seek after a special love?

We want to be highly favored (Highly favored over who or what? Why isn’t being in God’s will enough?). We cannot bare to see someone who we are dating enjoying the company of someone else. Some of us struggle to keep our grip if someone we are dating enjoys the company of their parent, sibling or a good friend equally as much as they enjoy our company.

Pursuit of special love drives some of us from relationship to relationship. Pursuit of special love drives some of us from worship center to worship center. Pursuit of special love drives some of us from job to job.

Special love lessons

Sooner or later, wherever we go and whoever we enter into a relationship with, we learn that there is no special love. In some instances, it may take years before we make this discovery.

Pursuit of special love could also cause us to stay in abusive and other unhealthy relationships, thinking that, sooner or later, the “special” person we are with will “magically” make our life better. When you think about it, we’re seeking God’s love under the world’s laws.

Continuing to seek what we will never find is frustrating, at best. Is it any wonder that some of us are tired?

Because love cannot exist without God, it’s absolutely necessary that God guide our relationships, all of our relationships. Sounds sensible. Yet, our egos fight and resist, demanding that we keep looking for what we will never find — special love, someone or something that loves us most, more than they love anyone or anything else.

Raymond Clarke and Brenda seek after special love in the book Love Pour Over Me. They aren’t alone in their searching. After all, they meet at college, the place where many of us invest the greatest hope in finding special love.

Searching for special love brings a motley sort of people into Raymond and Brenda’s lives. The search, and its disappointments and illusions of success, help to awaken the couple, opening Raymond and Brenda to real love.

I encourage you to open up to real love. Only God can lead you there.

Thank you for reading my blog. To learn what happens to Dayton, Ohio born Raymond Clarke, Brenda and the other characters in Love Pour Over Me, hop over to Amazon.com, B&N.com, Ebookit.com, or any other online or offline bookseller and get your copy of Love Pour Over Me today. And again I say – Thank You! Consider Love.

Are you choosing bad relationships over real love?

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Picture of young couple in love
Wikimedia Commons, Picture by Yudi bhardwaj

By Denise Turney


It’s no secret. Everyone wants to receive and to give love. Our childhood experiences can create fear in us as it regards love. Grow up with a parent who exhibits unpredictable behavior, particularly dangerous or abusive behavior, and we could come to believe that we must be on guard all the time, even putting up inner alarms against closeness.

Why are you afraid of love?

Unwanted endings like relationship breakups and stagnation can also create fear in us regarding love. Before long, we’re guarding ourselves against real intimacy. We can also guard against closeness, including closeness with a good friend.

Think of it this way. If every time you walked through a red and purple gate in a neighborhood in New York City you were bit by a dog, there’s a strong likelihood that you would eventually feel anxious and afraid as you neared any red and purple gate, regardless of the city or the neighborhood that the gate was in.

The thing is that, despite your fear and your dedication to avoiding closeness, you want to receive and to give love. Every living being wants to receive and to give love. It is how we are created. If we are extensions of love itself, what else could we want?

For safety’s sake, we may make and feel intensely attracted to a substitute for love. Result of this could be an intense attraction for dysfunctional relationships. Drs. Mark Borg, Jr., Grant Brenner and Daniel Berry discuss this phenomenon with me on Off The Shelf book radio. It’s a topic that continues to attract interest from psychologists, counselors, couples and singles.

Head down the right road this time

And no wonder. We want to know why we keep feeling intensely strong emotions (like the wrong relationship is absolutely right) for the relationship that won’t help us to grow and experience love. You guessed it! Our fear is actually taking us down twists and turns, in effort to protect us, that will keep us from real love, the very thing that we need to be healthy, balanced, joyous and thriving.

Signs that you might be headed for the wrong relationship start with you thinking that someone is perfect. Another sign is thinking that someone will complete you and make you feel happier. When we expect too much from another person, we do not know ourselves. We feel that we are lacking, an erroneous belief that sets us on a path to find someone who has what we think we are lacking.

When the person doesn’t live up to our expectations, we may feel cheated, angry, frustrated, sad, depressed and — once again, cheated. As Drs. Mark Borg, Jr., Grant Brenner and Daniel Berry share on Off The Shelf book radio, we actually set ourselves up for this trap, a trap that we may not even realize that we have stepped into until we’re months or years into a relationship.

We may not choose our parents, but, we can choose to do the inner work and stop replaying the script for childhood dysfunctional relationships. It beats staying in a stagnant relationship, putting up with abuse or running and hiding from closeness and love. These are just a few of the lessons that Raymond Clarke and Brenda, the love of Raymond’s life, learn in my latest book, Love Pour Over Me.

As we start our journey into a new year, commit to doing the work to awaken more. Start to recognize when you are running and hiding from closeness, real intimacy and healthy relationships. Do the work to remove any fears that you have of love and watch your attractions change, setting you up for real, healthy love relationships.

**Thank you for hanging out with me. Keep up with track and field, drag racing and the wonderful world of books by visiting my blog often. Grab your copy of Love Pour Over Me at https://www.ebookit.com/books/0000001582/Love-Pour-Over-Me.html or http://www.amazon.com/Love-Pour-Over-Me-ebook/dp/B007MC0Z2C or http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/love-pour-over-me-denise-turney/1109600654

Rushing into the arms of the past

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By Denise Turney


Pic by Tony Atkin – Wikimedia Commons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever looked at a book title, movie trailer or t-shirt slogan and instantly have a word or phrase pop into your head? Psychologists refer to this as “association.” More specifically, association is a “general psychological principle linked with the phenomena of recollection or memory.”

“The principle originally stated that the act of remembering or recalling any past experience would also bring to the fore other events or experiences that had become related, in one or more specific ways, to the experience being remembered,” as reported in Encyclopedia Britannica. The definition continues with, “Over time the application of this principle was expanded to cover almost everything that could happen in mental life except original sensations. As a result, association became a theoretical view embracing the whole of psychology.”

Being that our brains automatically start searching for past events, colors, feelings, etc. when we enter new situations, travel to new areas or meet new people, it could be highly likely that we never have a completely “new” experience. Those are the good situations.

Yet, there are some of us who are so attached to the past that we refuse to give romantic relationships, office friendships or relationships with people from certain backgrounds a chance. We do this in face of the fact that we know not everyone treats us the same. We do this in face of the fact that we know that we’ve changed as we’ve continued to grow.

Before we know it, decades have past and, although we may have traveled to other countries and met hundreds of people from an array of different backgrounds, we return to treating ourselves and others the way we did 20 to 30 years ago when we struggled through the breakup for a romantic relationship. If we’re not careful, we could start accepting old lies and beliefs as truth once again. We could also start engaging in old, destructive behaviors.

This causes life to feel as if it’s going around in a wide, sweeping circle, as if all we’re doing is repeating old experiences. It’s no wonder that some of us start feeling bored and discouraged with life. For this reason, we should do a self-check several times a year, at best. We should monitor how we respond to old stimuli (i.e. a picture of an ex-spouse, seeing a former classmate we once had issues with).

Signs that we are not rushing back to the past include visiting home, speaking with people we knew in the past and not feeling jealous or angry or sad (a sign that we could be  missing the past) and not being afraid to step into new experiences. In these instances, because we’ve moved on, “association” has taken on some new hues, lowering our resistance to giving things a second chance, reducing the likelihood that we’ll rush back to the past.

Thank you for reading my blog. To learn what happens to Raymond, Brenda and the other characters in Love Pour Over Me, hop over to Amazon.com, B&N.com, Ebookit.com ($3.03 – lowest price I’ve found so far) and get your copy of Love Pour Over Me today. And again I say – Thank You! Consider Love.

Sources:

http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/39421/association

 

Track’s Tyson Gay and Genzebe Dibaba are looking good

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By Denise Turney

track runner tyson gay

Pic by Eckhard Pecher – Wikimedia Commons

I’m watching the Prefontaine Classic at Oregon’s Hayward Field. Glad I caught the meet. Genzebe Dibaba commanded the women’s 5000 meter race. Had she had competition, I think she would have gotten the world record. She ran an impressive race, netting the fastest time by a woman at the 5000 meters in the United States. What a joy it was watching her run!

Tyson Gay and Justin Gatlin take the Prefontaine Classic

Tyson Gay, owner of America’s fastest 100 meter sprint, topped the 100 meters at this year’s Prefontaine Classic, running a 9.88. It was good to see Tyson Gay back on the track, in racing form. He said the race showed him that he’s in good shape, a positive event that could be the beginnings of a great summer.

Competition for Tyson Gay was stiffer than it was for Justin Gatlin who came out strong in the 200 meters. Justin Gatlin was clocked at 19:68. He came around the turn in command of the race. Usain Bolt hasn’t officially run a 19:68 since 2013. When Justin Gatlin and Jamaica’s Usain Bolt meet up in the 200 meters in the summer, hopefully, that will be a sprint for the record books.

As a fan of Harvey Glance’s, a 1970s relay Olympic gold medalist, I was delighted to watch Kirani James command the men’s 400 meters. Kirani James left no question in my mind as to who is the best 400 meters runner in the world. He was clocked at 43:95. It’s the fastest time in the world this year.

In the women’s 400 meters, Allyson Felix shined. She truly shined, putting in a 50:05. It should be exciting to see how these and other top track and field athletes perform at the August Track and Field World Championships.

Pic by Erik van Leeuwen – Wikimedia Commons

We may have to wait until then to see how the American’s and other world class track and field athletes perform against Usain Bolt, Jamaica’s other top sprinters and top athletes from other parts of the world, athletes who weren’t at this weekend’s 40th Prefontaine Classic. One thing is sure. It’s looking like a track and field summer that won’t disappoint.

Want to follow the inner workings of a fictional top track and field athlete? Enter the world of Love Pour Over Me‘s Raymond Clarke, a man with a troubled past and the courage to create and live an amazing present-day life.

Get your copy of “Love Pour Over Me” Now at –

http://www.ebookit.com/books/0000001582/Love-Pour-Over-Me.html

Signs it’s time to end a romantic relationship

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By Denise Turney

Movies like Baby Boy, Blue Valentine, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and The War of the Roses show how far the hottest relationships can swing in a matter of moments, weeks or months . . . at times, years. As hot as these relationships start, they turn eventually turn emotionally, psychologically or physically violent. If couples knew when to step away from a relationship, before the whole thing comes falling down, they might not find themselves embroiled in a volatile end-of-a-relationship scenario.

Why do we stay in bad relationships

Elite Daily shares, “sometimes, you are so deep in the trenches that you can’t even see the mess you are in until it is too late. Human beings have the tendency to idealize things that they want. Studies have shown that being in “love” actually makes your lover seem more attractive, intelligent and desirable than they really are. How many times did you look back at and ex and be like “Wow, what the f*ck was I thinking?” — exactly my point.”

Idolizing the person we’re in love with requires an investment of us. It’s this investment that we find hard to walk away from. Before we know it, we’ve stayed in a relationship far too long. Knowing the signs that it’s time to exit a relationship could save us years of heartache but only if we’re honest with ourselves.

Physical violence is a definite sign that it’s time to bag it up and walk away from a relationship. Regardless of how low your self-esteem might be, it’s never ever okay to put up with physical abuse. If you’re having trouble walking away, love yourself enough to seek therapy, so you can get a clear head — just what you need to leave a bad relationship.

Infidelity is another biggie. Contrary to what you may have heard, people do not have to cheat. Not only does cheating put you at risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease, cheating demands that the cheater lie. No good relationship is built upon a foundation of lies.

Lack of respect shows up at company parties, family get-togethers and the privacy of your own home. If your lover makes you (or anyone else) the butt of her or his jokes, broadcast mistakes you made or talks down to you – my friend, you are not being respected. Rationalize all you want, but someone who respects you wouldn’t make you the butt of jokes or belittle you.

Taking on a servant or submissive role is another sign that it’s time to exit your relationship. It’s not worth it to serve someone and put yourself beneath your partner’s ego just so your partner can feel “big”.

Physical pleasure can keep a bad relationship going, but only for so long. After awhile, it will become abundantly clear that all you have is sex. Because we’re more than physical beings, sex alone simply is not enough to keep your relationship (any romantic relationship) going strong.

Get your copy of “Love Pour Over Me” Now at –

http://www.ebookit.com/books/0000001582/Love-Pour-Over-Me.html

Sources:

Amazon.com – http://www.amazon.com/Love-Pour-Over-Me-ebook/dp/B007MC0Z2C

Barnes & Noble – http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/love-pour-over-me-denise-turney/1109600654

How to know that you’re in the right relationship

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By Denise Turney

couple in love holding hands

Pic by Muramasa – Wikimedia Commons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New romantic relationships can deceive, cause you to believe that you and the person  you’re sharing your life with have a promising future. Feelings of excitement, good fortune, promise, bliss and sexual pressure can put you in a dreamy state. As tempting as those feelings are to surrender to, heightened emotions don’t always indicate that the romantic relationship you’re in is right for you.

However, those and other welcomed feelings could be present when you’re with the person you’d enjoy a long-term romantic relationship with. Things to look for when you’re considering the depth of your relationship include:

  • Sharing interests and passions (Although you and your lover won’t like all of the same things, you should have two or more things that you both have a strong appreciation for.)
  • Friendships that extend beyond your relationship. (Both of you should also respect and value each other’s friends and relatives. This should happen naturally. It shouldn’t be something you try to talk yourself into.)
  • You and your lover support each other’s goals and dreams.
  • Both of you take responsibility for your lives. (You don’t blame each other or other people for mistakes that you make and uncomfortable situations you find yourselves in.)
  • Competing or trying to “one up” each other isn’t something you do.
  • You love celebrating one another’s achievements.
  • Rather than hide disappointing experiences from each other, you’re both comfortable revealing experiences that make you feel vulnerable without taking on a victim role.
  • You and your lover learn from each other.
  • Your conversations are open and balanced, no one person dominating conversations.
  • It doesn’t bother you to be affectionate with each other in public.
  • During your most heated arguments, you don’t call each other names, belittle one another or try to harm each other in any way.
  • It’s exciting to you to try new things and explore life more fully.
  • Holding hands is as sweet to you as kissing.
  • You continue to grow as an individual even as the relationship develops.
  • You respect each other.
  • Making excuses for your lover is not something you think you have to do.
  • Trusting your lover is natural.
  • Instead of idolizing each other, you truly know your lover.

When you’re with the right person, you both become more awakened to truth. You actually become better people. You feel better about yourself and life, and you know that you’re loved.

Thank you for reading my blog. To learn what happens to Raymond, Brenda and the other characters in Love Pour Over Me, hop over to Amazon.com, B&N.com, Ebookit.com ($3.03 – lowest price I’ve found so far) and get your copy of Love Pour Over Me today. And again I say – Thank You! Consider Love.

 

How real friends make your life better

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By Denise Turney
Real friends don’t agree with everything you think, say or do. They challenge you when you start veering away from your goals, your intentions and what you believe in deeply. Without real friends, you could derail and not realize it until you look up and see that your life is hanging over a cliff.

Real friends make up the sweetest nectar of life

Another thing that real friends do is to encourage and motivate you to keep going when you feel like quitting. Without friends, more than a few great achievers might have joined the ranks of those of us who give up on their dreams. Even more, because friends know you well, they can see through your self-deception. Although you may not like it, your friends know when you’re trying to sell yourself a bag of lies. They’re willing to stomach your anger in order to get a good message through to you.

Yet, perhaps most of all is the way that real friends mirror your worth to you. When given the choice, they opt to visit and spend time with you rather than putting in another hour of work, showing you that you matter more than a buck.

You don’t have to worry about real friends gossiping about you behind your back. In fact, real friends don’t gossip at all. They realize that we’re all in this together and that attack in any form is an attack of themselves, you and everyone.

Point is, you have to be self-aware and inwardly healthy to be a real friend. You’ve got to be selfish enough to seek out other people who are self-aware to hang out with, people who add lift and true power to your life. You also have to want to receive the same level of honesty from others that you dish out. Rather than “getting it real,” you opt to care for others. You’re not brutally honest; you’re lovingly honest.

Real friends make life worth living. They make life sweet. How many real friends do you have and are you a real friend to anyone?

Thank you for reading my blog. To learn what happens to Raymond, Brenda and the other characters in my new book, Love Pour Over Me, hop over to Amazon.com, B&N.com, Ebookit.com, or any other online or offline bookseller and get your copy of Love Pour Over Me today. And again I say – Thank You! Consider Love.

Winter holidays lead to summer weddings

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By Denise Turney
Moods are high, emotions warm during Christmas, one of the few times of year when millions of people in different parts of the world lay their grudges down and opt to love. Visiting family and friends isn’t all young lovers do during winter holidays. Young lovers also deepen their romantic relationships, choosing to get engaged, setting a summer wedding date, rather than limiting their relationships at “only dating”.

Getting married once and for all time

In fact, December is the most popular month for couples getting engaged. Soon after accepting a marriage proposal, as many as 27% of women pick up the telephone and share the news with a best friend. A sign in today’s world that brides believe that their marriages will last forever is the fact that 75% of new brides change their Facebook status after they exchange wedding vows with the man they love.

On average, an engagement last 14.7 months, as shared by MSN. When it comes to taking engagement photos, 69% of couples who agree to tie the knot make a trip to a photographer’s studio so they can take a picture, perhaps grabbing at the chance to solidify their love.

Measuring the depth of true love

However, for some couples the wedding never happens. Arguments, school, finances and other people come between these couples, making it hard for them to communicate. But, that doesn’t mean that the relationship is over permanently. Temporary lulls interrupt the best relationships, if not before a wedding then after a wedding.

The question is if true love can withstand the toughest knocks. The question is if a couple that once loved each other deeply can find their way back to love after the heat in their relationship has turned as cold as a hard winter day. Brenda and Raymond explore these challenges very deeply in Love Pour Over Me. Their love affair brings them to more than one tough conclusions.

Get your copy of “Love Pour Over Me” Now at –

http://www.ebookit.com/books/0000001582/Love-Pour-Over-Me.html

The drive to keep running from pain

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By Denise Turney
It’s a good thing to pursue happiness. After all, pain and disappointment do not come bearing worthy gifts. However, running from pain is not the same as pursuing happiness, and being that we are creatures of habit, if we run away from pain too long we may become experts at it and miss out on the thing we want to experience most – real love.

Putting an end to the run

Even so, few people, if anyone of us at all, sees running from pain as a means to avoid love. It’s a ritual or habit that can start early in our lives, when we are kids. We may be repeatedly disappointed by a parent who makes promises but seldom keeps them. Or we might witness one or both of our parents walking out of our lives as if we were merely children they’d met at a park, not people they helped to create, not their own flesh and blood.

Let these heart wrenching experiences continue to find their way into our lives and it’s no wonder some of us shy away from love and affection. We’re tired of being hurt, tired of being disappointed. We might even think that we only get hurt when we let people get close enough to us to cause us to feel love for them. After all, as the saying goes, it’s often the people who are closest to us who cause us to feel the deepest pain.

When this happens to Love Pour Over Me’s Raymond Clarke he responds the way many of us do. He turns away from love, even dismissing it when it shows up in a woman who has never disappointed or hurt him before, a woman he was born to love. Raymond’s good at running, but over time even he realizes that running has cost him too much. Even he, the man with the broken childhood, realizes that it’s time to stop running from love in ways that are disguised as running from pain.

Thank you for reading my blog. To learn what happens to Raymond, Brenda and the other characters in Love Pour Over Me, hop over to Amazon.com, B&N.com, Ebookit.com and get your copy of Love Pour Over Me today. And again I say – Thank You! Even if you choose not to purchase your copy of Love Pour Over Me today, I encourage you to “consider Love.”

Who Do You Think Is Better Than You?

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By Denise Turney
At first glance, this question might appear rude. However, it’s a question you may have been asking yourself for years, drawing up images of people you think are more successful, wholesome or intelligent that you are. Perhaps it’s time to ask yourself what it is about these people you admire. And dare I say that it’s these traits that are hidden somewhere right inside of you.

Just as you may not want to look at thought patterns, beliefs or emotions you have, choosing to, instead, project these feelings and thoughts onto other people (as if they felt and believed them, not you), so too you might project beliefs about your own greatness onto other people. After all, no one is better or greater than you, just as you aren’t better or greater than anyone else.

At times it could feel unfair that our thoughts create our physical experiences. But, that sense of unfairness is merely a judgment that changes nothing. Well, it could make you feel like a victim, but that belief definitely won’t help you step into your greatness.

Feelings and beliefs you hold about other people are clues (wonderful nuggets) as to what you feel and believe about yourself. (As a note, the one thing our thoughts don’t/didn’t create is us, and that’s very good news, my friend!!) So, take a moment and ask yourself who you think is better or greater than you. Then ask yourself, what it is about this person you believe is great, perhaps impossible to match or equal. Is there anything about this person you wish you possessed more of? Be honest.

Now look at your experiences. Search for times when you demonstrated these same traits or abilities yourself, even if on a smaller scale. Can you start to see your greatness?

Imagine what it would be like if you saw what you really are all day. Imagine how you would feel about yourself. Imagine how you’d know, completely know, that impossible doesn’t exist.

To start to manifest (bring about the physical expression of your greatness) it may take some inner work (perhaps lots of inner work), but you’re so worth it. The work is merely a matter of removing beliefs in all lies. Once you do that, all that remains is the truth. And then not even the question “Who do I think is better than me” will arise in your mind. You’ll know the answer.

Raymond Clarke learns this in Love Pour Over Me. As with many of us, it takes Raymond awhile to get this lesson. But that’s no concern. The universe is patient. We will learn and awaken . . . all of us.

Thank you for reading my blog. To learn what happens to Raymond, Brenda and the other characters in Love Pour Over Me, hop over to Amazon.com, B&N.com, Ebookit.com, or any other online or offline bookseller and get your copy of Love Pour Over Me today. And again I say – Thank You! Consider Love.