Category Archives: Real Life Musings

Real life musings about life as a whole, including parts of life that impact singles and married couples, experience are here. These writings are also for people who are experiencing relationship changes. You’ll find articles that focus on ways to connect with family better. Other topics you’ll discover encourage children to develop a love for reading books and navigating a career are some of the blog articles written and shared here. Take your time reading through the articles. They are designed to equip you with insights, motivations, tips and inspiration that strengthen your inner being.

5 Reasons to Stop Hanging on and Leave Bad Relationships

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By African American Books Writer Denise Turney

couple in unhealthy relationship talking on bench
Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

Do you think it’s time to stop being so tolerant? After all, you’ve suffered enough. You’ve suffered at work and at home. It’s time to love yourself. Stop hanging on, waiting for things to improve, and just leave bad relationships.

Surviving a bad relationship may make you look like a heroine. If you grew up watching your parents fight or tolerate one another, merely surviving a lukewarm existence, you might find saving someone attractive. However, there are significant downsides to staying in bad relationships. It doesn’t matter if those relationships are romantic, work related or between unreliable “friends”.

Reasons You May Stay In Bad Relationships

Psychological abuse is one of the harmful downsides of staying in bad relationships. The pain of psychological abuse is so intense, you’re probably ready to do anything to avoid it, including agree with an abuser about how unworthy you are. Depending on the depth of pain that you’ve endured, you might even swear that, after you get free, you’ll never let anyone get close to you again.

On the other hand, if you felt like you were in love, it may be harder to walk away. In fact, Psychology Today shares that you could gain satisfaction from simply being in a relationship (doesn’t matter how good or bad the relationship is). More specifically, Psychology Today shares that “some individuals, especially those with low self-esteem or those who perceive themselves to be less attractive, have low “comparison levels.”

Comparison levels are your inner standards of what you consider to be a good, average or bad relationship. If you have low self-esteem, you might expect a relationship to have lots of hardships and few benefits. Again, this could be due to parental modeling.

Bad Relationships Aren’t Satisfying

This may not be encouraging, but it’s worth paying attention to. Regarding your willingness to endure bad relationships, another factor to consider is how you were treated as a child. “Women who experienced abuse as children report more satisfaction with lower-quality relationships,” according to Psychology Today.

Other reasons why you might put up with the illusion of love have to do with how you perceive your partner. For example, if you place a high value on your partner’s sense of humor and how your partner makes you laugh, you might downplay how your partner ridicules you at social gatherings.

Or, maybe your partner satisfies you in bed. To keep this part of the relationship, you could overlook or downplay how your partner keeps placing you in financial debt. And, this raises another point. If you think that you can’t find a better relationship, you might stay.

See How Your Treating Yourself Thru Bad Relationships

Memories of loving encounters shared between you and your partner could just be one part of this. You might actually think that no one else will want you. Another thing that you might do is convince yourself that your partner treats you poorly because he is passionate. Or you might tell yourself that your partner treats you poorly because she cares so much about you.

Even more, you might convince yourself that your partner needs you. That way, you’d see yourself as doing a good deed when you don’t leave bad relationships. It’s certainly not a recipe for happiness. But, depending on what you perceive about yourself, it could offer the illusion of satisfaction.

So, how do you stir the inner strength to leave bad relationships? To begin, as with any awakening, be honest with yourself. Actually, see what you are doing to yourself thru bad relationships.

See What You’re Doing To Yourself

a woman figure skating
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For instance, see what is happening to you. Don’t turn away, and don’t rationalize. Face it. If you’re being physically pushed, slapped or punched, see that happening to you. Start to wonder why you allow it to happen. Also, start to wonder why you put yourself in a relationship where you are getting hit or shoved.

Even more, if you’re working long hours only to have your partner keep you in debt, see it as if you are keeping yourself in debt. After all, you chose to stay in a relationship where you’re being hurt this way.

This goes back to how you perceive yourself. It’s at the heart of your self-esteem. And this is related to the more important reason to leave bad relationships. In other words, love illusions don’t weaken the impact of verbal, psychological, financial or sexual abuse.

Reasons To Get Out Of Bad Relationships

Here are five clear reasons to leave bad relationships. See if you can come up with more healthy reasons to get out of bad relationships and start practicing self-love.

  • Hence, the first reason to leave bad relationships is to give yourself the space to begin to love yourself. Allow yourself the freedom from pain to start to see yourself differently, honestly. Tips to do this include writing down 20 things that you appreciate about yourself. If you can’t come up with 20 right now, start with five. Another way to do this is to accept compliments that people give you. Think about the good that others see in you.
  • Ability to grow is another reason to leave bad relationships. In addition to learning to love yourself, when you leave bad relationships, you can start to grow in many areas. For instance, you might take actions to become physically healthy. And you might take a free online course, learn another language, start meditating or start a business in your passion field.

More Reasons To Get Out Of Bad Relationships

  • Improved overall health is another reason to leave bad relationships. The art of letting go of someone you love who’s unhealed, could cause your blood pressure to enter a healthy range. You also might stop having headaches, back pain and other stress related illnesses.
  • Making room for a loving relationship is another reason to say farewell to bad relationships. In fact, the only way to fully enter a loving relationship is to engage in the art of letting go of someone you love but who is too unhealed to love you in return. Keep in mind that staying in love illusion relationships or surviving a bad relationship is just another way to prove to yourself that you aren’t worth much (which is simply not the case).
  • You’d rather experience a truly loving relationship that allows your partner and you to grow than to stay in a fantasy that’s clearly not healthy. In other words, leave bad relationships because you want the real thing.

Practice Daily Self-Love Techniques

Tips to start healing from a bad relationship involve facing the facts and taking responsibility. Accept that your getting to peace and joy is up to you. And, it’s not magic. You have to do the inner work to get there.

This work could take the rest of your physical experience. But it’s so worth it. In fact, as you continue to practice daily self-love techniques like meditating, journaling, listening to soothing music and surrounding yourself with loving people, you may reach a point where you wouldn’t even consider entering an abusive relationship. Furthermore, you might become a teacher, sharing words of wisdom about love and relationships with others.

Live Free and Open to Avoid Getting Stuck in Ruts

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By African American Books Author Denise Turney

woman standing with arms up living free outdoors
Photo by Nina Uhlíková on Pexels.com

Freedom and love must be semi-twins, because freedom feels good like love. Live free and with an open mind and you could avoid getting stuck in ruts. It sounds easy, but few pull it off. School schedules, work routines, family patterns and internal cycles drag you down after a while, sneak up on you slow and easy. Yet, to thrive you have to discover ways to avoid getting stuck in ruts.

Getting Out of Ruts

It’s odd how the goals you set to graduate with a degree, land a job, buy a home and start a family are the very goals that slowly pull you into routines that work their way into ruts. Although you might not admit it, you’ve created obligations that are forcing you to stick to routines. There’s the mortgage, credit card bills, artistic contracts and student loans. Today, it’s hard to believe that each of these responsibilities came offering greater freedom, not hard routines.

You thought taking on thousands of dollars in student loan debt would open doors to high paying jobs, respect and satisfaction. But that’s not what happened. One debt led to another idea for how to pay that debt off, got you into more debt. Now, is the time to break free.

There’s only one way out — freedom. To get free of ruts, you could:

  • Insert small changes into your day (e.g. get up 20 minutes earlier, shower in the morning instead of at night, grow your own tomatoes)
  • Pay double the minimum due on credit cards (while not making any other credit card purchases)
  • Listen to a different music genre
  • Rent out the basement in your house to pay your mortgage off 10 years early
  • Start writing on that new movie script

Explore Your Passion for Freedom to Avoid Getting Stuck in Ruts

Despite your passion for freedom, don’t be surprised if a part of you balks at the idea. After all, as much as you hate getting stuck in ruts, there’s something about routine that feels comfortable, safe. This is why it’s best to avoid getting stuck in ruts from the start.

woman in yellow dress standing on pink petaled flower field
Photo by Olga on Pexels.com

Check out these ways that you may find easy as it regards personal freedom. However, you should know that you’re going to have to practice self-awareness for these actions to work:

  • Write in a journal to become aware of repetitive thoughts and patterns that you’re drifting into.
  • Pay attention to your dreams, exploring symbols and situations that keep popping up in your dreams.
  • Enter outdoor adventure challenges that take you out of your routines for one to two months. There are nature challenges that come with expert protections (e.g. medical crews, experienced survivalist teams) that are life changing.
  • Pray for guidance from your higher Self. Follow the inner guidance that you receive.

More Ways to Avoid Getting Stuck in Ruts

  • Talk with people who have taken smart risks in areas that you want to explore.
  • Celebrate a time when you took a smart risk and failed. Acknowledge your courage, actions and what you learned from the experience. Remember that every experience teaches. So, there really is no failure, especially when you take what you learned and grow.
  • Return to a hobby (e.g. woodcutting, painting, dancing) that you love, but abandoned because you got so caught up in routines that you convinced yourself that you didn’t have time to enjoy engaging in the hobby.
  • Pay off debts to empower yourself with a debt free lifestyle. To do this, look at your bank statements for the last six months. See what you can carve out. Avoid making new debts, and watch your savings grow.
  • Take nature walks. It’s amazing what being out in nature does to routines and the drive to live free.

Say Goodbye To Safety Illusions

Routines may feel safe. Yet, a part of you wants freedom, not routines and ruts. With routines, you know what’s coming a lot of the time. If today mimics yesterday and you know that you made it through yesterday, routines can lend the confidence that you’ll get through today. You’ll get through another day. Before you know it, each day is starting to look and feel the same.

low section of man against sky
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

That’s when boredom starts to set in. It’s because you abandoned your live free and stay free commitment. And, somewhere along the way, you knew exactly what you were doing, what you were setting yourself up for.

Regardless of how many people this has happened to, you don’t have to stay on this path. It starts with daily choices. For instance, you might cook eggs differently for breakfast. Or you might drive a different route to your friend’s house. Wearing a different pair of shoes or styling your hair differently are other ways to avoid slipping into ruts.

Practice Awareness to Avoid Getting Stuck in Ruts

More importantly, when you feel bored, uninspired or flat, check your routines. See if your day consist of routines and patterns that you’ve been engaging in for a year or longer. Without being aware, you could be wearing the same clothes on the same days of the week, styling your hair the same day after day for two years or longer and eating at the same diner for lunch for five years.

Add a job that you don’t love to this list of routines and it’s no wonder that you feel like you’re in a rut. Your day is filled with routines you no longer want to engage in. Practice awareness and catch yourself early, before you’re deep in ruts.

Live Free

But you can’t just practice awareness, you have to be honest with yourself. Admit when you don’t feel like you’re living in freedom and do something about it. Stir your courage, and shift. Try new things on a daily basis. Just do something new, something different each day.

Admittedly, it’s a risk. You won’t be able to predict outcomes. But isn’t that the fun part of what it means to live free? Not knowing how all choices will unwind can be liberating. And, when you think about it, financial debt, ridged routines and destructive relationships has never gotten you what you really want.

All the money, all the routines and all the work in the world has never gotten you freedom. So, consider taking smart risks. Make daily choices that support  debt free living. Start early, so that it becomes a lifestyle. Then, freedom, joy and what you love may start to lead you, offering you the types of emotional, financial and mental debt free lifestyle choices that you’ve been seeking.

Fathers Need Love Too

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

fathers love their sons family picture

Fathers need love too; despite the images they may create. Yes. Like loving mothers, they’re strong and resilient. Yet, they thrive under the light of appreciation and care.

Good fathers are the backbone of a strong family. In fact, the impact of loving, present, caring, responsible fathers may be immeasurable. It doesn’t matter how challenging life gets, good fathers offer their children patience, a listening ear, courage and guidance.

Honoring Good Fathers on Father’s Day and Beyond

For me, a good father also offers his children protection, an ongoing sense of security. My father was this type of man. Akin to many other fathers, my dad was also tough – at times, seemingly hard. But he was there whenever his kids, his sons and his daughters, needed him.

During my younger years, I wished that my father was softer, more emotional. But he never really got there, although he did soften in his older years. Yet, he shaped me in ways that I will forever be thankful for. Because of the impact he made, it was easy to appreciate him and to buy Father’s Day gifts for my dad.

He was easy to please as it regarded gifts. In fact, I don’t think that he expected much for Father’s Day. And this from a man who had single handedly raised five children. He didn’t wear ties. So, that was out as a Father’s Day gift choice. What my dad did appreciate was his children calling and spending time with him.

Great Father’s Day Gifts

Whether your father loves certain types of gifts or isn’t big on gifts at all, there are choices you can make to honor your dad this Father’s Day. Here are Father’s Day gift ideas that both you and your dad may appreciate, great ways for you to show your dad that you know fathers needs love to:

  • Tickets to your father’s favorite arts, entertainment or sports event. For example, you could get your dad tickets to a sports playoff, theatrical production or arts or jazz festival.
  • Vacation package to a cool, adventurous spot that your dad has long talked about visiting. Keep in mind, that it could be somewhere local or a place across the globe.
  • Lunch or dinner at your father’s favorite restaurant. If the weather is agreeable, dine outdoors.
  • Invite your father to your home. Once there, cook him a delicious home cooked brunch or dinner.
  • Purchase your dad his favorite cologne. Include a special card with a loving handwritten note with the Father’s Day gift.
  • After your Father’s Day meal, take your dad on a drive through the city or country. Set the radio to his favorite music and enjoy the ride.

Remember Fathers Need Love Too

Father’s Day was first celebrated in the United States in June 1910. More than 60 years would pass before Father’s Day was made official by President Richard Nixon in 1972.  But time sets no boundary on how mothers and children honor the good fathers in their lives.

This year, gift your father with the same treasure that you may have asked him for when you were a kid. Gift your father with quality time on Father’s Day. For instance, take your father on that fishing, hiking or road trip the two of you have been talking about for months.

Or perhaps your father and you love a good camping trip. Whatever you decide, consider setting aside enough time to enjoy being with your dad this Father’s Day. And yes. Spending time with your dad on Father’s Day may seem like a choice that you have forever to make. But that’s not the case. Don’t let the time slip by this year. Show and tell your father how much he means to you this year. And, if you’re a dad yourself – Happy Father’s Day.

Resources:

The Important Role of Dad | HuffPost Life

Growing Up A Motherless Child

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candle lit for motherless child

By Book Author Denise Turney

Growing up a motherless child leaves a lasting imprint. It doesn’t matter how or why your mother left. Lose your mother and you just lost an entire half of the coupling that helped to bring you into physical being. Even if you are emotionally or psychologically detached, the loss of your mother will leave a lasting and powerful impact on you. How do I know? My mother exited this world before I turned eight years old.

Struggles Motherless Children Face

Abandonment issues are just the start. Should you not receive sufficient nurturing from your father and other women (e.g. aunt, grandmother), you may spend the rest of your physical days seeking approval and validation. Months after your mother exits her body, you might identify someone (an entertainer, athlete, schoolteacher, neighbor, another adult or peer) to transfer your nurturing needs onto.

Signs that you have transferred the need for nurturing from your deceased mother to someone else include thinking that this person has been sent to you from God. Other signs of this transference include idealizing the person, overlooking or mentally erasing the person’s mistakes or wrongs and telling yourself that your life would be perfect or at least much, much better if this person were in it.

Unfortunately, even if this magical person came into your life, you wouldn’t feel whole or complete. You would still be a motherless child. Path away from the pain of being a motherless child could come through detachment.

Moving Away from Motherless Child Pain

If you detach, you may not feel sadness, anger or afraid. Detachment could last a lifetime. For example, you might struggle to feel deep, raw emotion if your father, grandparent, sibling or child exits her or his body. But that doesn’t mean that the pain of being in the world without your mother is gone. All you have done in this case is to push the pain down, to repress the pain.

This type of avoidance will show up in future relationships. You might have a difficult time connecting with lovers or a spouse. Your ability to deeply nurture your own children could also be hampered. Trouble developing deep, authentic friendships is another challenge that you may face as a motherless child who has detached from the pain of losing your mother.

The road to opening your heart may take you down even more painful pathways. These pathways could come in the form of a job layoff, a divorce, a broken friendship or the loss of someone you have developed a strong psychological or emotional attachment to.

Revisiting Your Mother’s Exit

Let this happen and you may have no choice except to revisit the day that your mother exited her body. You might have to work through that early trauma in a way that you never have before. This work might be done in a group setting, individual therapy sessions or during focused, internal work (as a tip, working and talking with others can be tremendously powerful). If you don’t work through the early trauma of losing your mother, you might not move forward when the next unexpected loss occurs.

Some actions that might help you to work through the trauma of being a motherless child include writing a list of the top 10 things that you love about your mother, slowly looking at pictures of your mother, listing five ways your mother made you laugh and re-reading letters that your mother wrote.

If your mother kept a journal, it may also prove therapeutic to read her journal. Talking with family members about your mother, asking relatives questions about your mother and writing a letter to your mother may also prove beneficial.

Road Toward Healing as a Motherless Child Could Take a Lifetime to Complete

Take your time. Complete one activity at a time. See if you don’t start to feel more connected to your mother. Go slowly. If it feels traumatic when you look at your mother’s picture, do a few other activities around your mother before you start putting pictures of her up around your house. The same applies for young children.

Be patient with yourself and others. Take your time. Everyone processes loss differently and at a different pace.

At the least, don’t expect to return to the way that you felt before your mother exited her body. Be kind to yourself. You experienced a major life change. It is going to do just that — change you. What it can’t take away is your ability to love yourself, love your mother, love your surviving father and love others. It’s these truths that Raymond Clarke learns in the book, Love Pour Over Me.

Great Mother’s Day Gifts 4 Writer Moms

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

Globally, celebrating Mother’s Day dates back to the ancient Romans and ancient Greeks. In those days, festivals honored the goddesses Cybele and Rhea. Fast forward to more modern times. And it is Anna Jarvis who is credited with hosting the first American Mother’s Day celebration in May 1908. President Woodrow Wilson established the second Sunday in May as the official national Mother’s Day in 1914.

Honor Moms In Your Life

Mother’s Day is a time when people treat their mothers, grandmothers, wives, aunts and friends to a home cooked breakfast. Talk about homemade luxury, having a meal served to you while you’re relaxing in bed.

It’s also the day when family and friends visit restaurants and gift the moms in their lives with gorgeous bouquets, cards and creative gifts. For moms, it’s the chance to be surrounded by family and friends that makes this day sweet.

If you have a mother who invested her all into you, flowers and brunch at a popular restaurant may not feel like enough. After all, you want to shower your mom with as much love, warmth and appreciation as you can. You want her to know how much you appreciate her seemingly endless patience, physical presence, listening ear, comfort, love and ongoing support.

Great Gifts for Writer Moms

Who could blame you? Yours is a warm heart. Yet, there are so many Mother’s Day gift ads to wade through that picking out a gift could take more time than you’d like, especially if you’re buying gifts for writer moms. Here are great gifts that you could celebrate the writer moms in your life with:

  • Ceramic drinking mug with covers of books your mom authored. Forget buying the ceramic mug. Instead, take an arts class and create the ceramic Mother’s Day gift yourself.
  • Handmade Mother’s Day card. Fill the card with pictures of fun events that the writer moms in your life had a blast attending.
  • Bookstore gift card that’s tucked inside a bouquet of fresh flowers
  • Spa day gift certificate – But don’t just give writer moms spa day gift certificates for Mother’s Day. Gift them with certificates that allow them to get pampered from head-to-toe year-round.
  • Supply of organic home delivery meals – Writer moms working under a tight deadline may especially appreciate this Mother’s Day gift.
  • Airline ticket to the location in a writer mom’s favorite novel.
  • Year of decorative writing journals. You got it! Writer moms love to write so much that they may capture their dreams, creative ideas and more in a journal.
  • Sweet, gentle smelling bubble bath gift set. This one’s hard to beat, especially considering how relaxing a warm bubble bath is.

Mother’s Day Gifts Delight Writer Moms

Writers aren’t always the easiest people to buy gifts for. Fortunately, writers are creative who love artwork. That’s why they appreciate homemade gifts like journal covers, picture frames and silk floral arrangements that you make yourself.

Of course, writer moms enjoy spring fashions, lunch at a chic restaurant and an afternoon with family and friends. But, if you want to give writer moms gifts that they’ll remember for years, get creative. Also, days leading up to Mother’s Day, surprise writer moms with a phone call. Tell them you were thinking of them and just wanted to say “Hello!”

You can’t go wrong with that choice. After all, writer moms are really in tune with emotion. They work with emotions to create characters and stories you love to read. So, this Mother’s Day, gift writer moms with experiences and treats that cause them to feel wanted, appreciated and valued. This list is a wonderful start.

Dealing With Major Life Changes – When You Can’t Go Back

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By Books Author Denise Turney

People outdoors on a street dealing with major life changes
People outdoors on street Wikimedia Commons, Picture by Moheen Reeyad

Major life changes can knock the wind out of you. They can break your heart. One way you might be dealing with big shifts is by creating a set schedule. For instance, you might have developed a schedule for when you wake, exercise, check emails and relax for the evening. You could even commute the same way.

But schedules can’t stop life from coming at you. That’s right. Living small or forcing yourself into predictable routines won’t save you from big shifts. They could even push you toward boredom which, in time, could develop into a gnawing depression.

Daily Routines Go Away

I learned this the hard way after years of sticking with a workable routine. What you think is predictable won’t save you, even if that predictability is rooted in religion. The first time I learned this was after my mom transitioned.

Then, I learned this when my dad moved, leaving us with our paternal grandparents for a year. And I definitely learned this after my son transitioned. Writing novels couldn’t save me then. I’m surprised that I even started writing on another novel.

Dealing with Major Life Changes

So, what to do? How can you effectively deal with major life changes, especially the types of changes that you can never turn back from?

For starters, acknowledge that you are dealing with a major life change. Discover the impact that the change could have on you. The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory could be a good place to start.

Additionally, you might find it helpful to write about what happened (e.g., divorce, layoff, loved one transitioning). Even more, it might prove beneficial to talk with a trusted friend or professional about what you are going through.

Stay Motivated – Keep Going

And, referring to “going through”, encourage yourself that you will get through what you’re experiencing. Be honest about what you feel and experience.

Take breaks, especially when you feel yourself becoming imbalanced. Also, exercise, drink plenty of water and eat a healthy diet.

Pay attention to times when you feel tempted to eat or drink unhealthy. It could be a sign that you need to rest. It could be a sign that you need support.

Love yourself. Give yourself the positive help that you need.

More Ways to Deal with Major Life Changes

Getting outside for 40 or more consecutive minutes a day helped me tremendously while I was dealing with a job layoff during the Great Recession. Who knows? It might prove beneficial for you too.

Here are more way to deal with major life changes. Keep in mind, that honesty, patience and self-love are key components of each of the below actions:

  • Depending on the life change, you could write down benefits that derived from the change. For example, after I was laid off, I launched my freelance writing career. I also discovered more ways to connect my novels with appreciative book readers.
  • Take action to move into the next phase of your life. After all, you know that you can’t stay where you are. You don’t want to get stuck in a bad place.
  • Go on a social media and TV diet. Trying reading a good book instead.
  • Spend time with friends. For example, you could visit with one or more friends at least once a week. You could call a friend once a week.

Tips to Help You Shift

As hard as it may be to believe, getting through major life changes can teach you a lot about yourself. You can get through what you’re facing. Here are additional actions that you could take to effectively deal with major life changes:

  • Keep connecting with people who love you. As tempting as it might be, don’t isolate yourself.
  • Get enough sleep. But don’t oversleep.
  • Appreciate healthy (non-isolating) routines.
  • Avoid adding another major change into your life until you get through this change mentally, emotionally and physically.
  • Watch your finances. Don’t overspend. Money can’t help you avoid the stress that you want to run away from.
  • Try something different once a day or once a week. It could be something as small as driving a new route to work or trying a new salad when you visit a restaurant.

In this world, it’s impossible to avoid change. Regardless of what happens in your life, you’ll find great benefit in being patient with yourself. At the same time, sticking a few existing routines could help prevent you from feeling like the ground is shifting right beneath your feet.

But routines won’t save you from change. They can help reduce stress, but they won’t stop change. Keep moving in the right direction. Keep advancing. Surround yourself with loving people. Offer yourself as much support, peace and love that you can. Be like Mulukan in Long Walk Up and never, ever give up on YOU.

Stay Strong If Life Gets Tough

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By Books Author Denise Turney

Woman looking in mirror holding weights to stay strong
Woman Lifting Weights to Stay Strong Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Scott Webb

It’s easy to stay strong when you don’t feel pressured. But let a series of unexpected events drop into your life and you could start to wobble psychologically and emotionally. As difficult as it may feel to stay in the game, don’t let this challenge stop you.

If you’re struggling, it’s understandable. Why? You can’t plan for every experience you’re going to have to muscle through. What you can do is build safeguards.

Preparing for Emergencies

Even if managing budgets isn’t your thing, you can invest in an emergency fund. This could reduce stress you feel around unexpected auto repairs, medical bills or a job layoff. And, as someone who was laid off during the Great Recession, let me tell you – an emergency fund is a sure advantage. I highly recommend creating an emergency fund.

But an emergency fund won’t make you aware of every emergency that’s headed your way. And it’s this uncertainty that can wear you down, especially if you are pushed into a situation that demands that you face heightened levels of uncertainty day after day after day.

Stay strong.

Stay Strong Start to Finish

As someone who’s been thru her share of the unexpected, please let me share a few tips on how to stay strong if life gets tough. Here goes:

  • Start the day saying “Thank You” – That’s right, appreciation yields huge returns. As tough as it might feel, open up to sincere appreciation.
  • Bring your hobbies alive – Regularly engage in a hobby you love.
  • Activate a talent – Similar to hobbies, start using your talents.
  • Drink plenty of water – stay hydrated
  • Eat green leafy vegetables
  • Get outside and move – For example, you could enjoy a walk, jog, hike, swim, dance or bike ride.

More Ways to Stay Strong

It’s worth noting that, while you incorporate these actions into your day, willpower won’t suffice, not in the long run. The best willpower hits a wall, finds a stopping point. These times call for motivation. Above all, remember why you started pursuing a goal. That reminder is a powerful motivator. Check out these ways to stay motivated during hard times.

  • Read encouraging writings that are rooted in truth
  • Find someone or something to help, especially if the assistance is linked to a goal you’re pursuing
  • Map out how you can get out of the challenge you’re currently experiencing. For instance, you could list resources, contacts and specific actions you will take to get on the other side of the challenge. Trying to get out of debt? List your bills on a spreadsheet. Then, list your income, additional work you can take on to bring in more money and debts you could eliminate now (e.g., cable bill, streaming service, eating out). Set deadlines for when you will pay off bills. During this time, do not create new bills or get new credit cards.
  • Celebrate small success. As an example, you could light a candle, buy yourself flowers or enjoy an edible treat after you take a step towards a positive goal.
  • Keep making friends and strengthening healthy relationships

Strength in Real Life Connections

Above all, stay connected to people. If you’re in an isolated area, consider getting a pet. At first, it may not seem like it. But maintaining real life connections is a key way to stay strong if life gets tough. These real-life connections are face-to-face connections.

Even if you seek support from people in private social media groups, maintain healthy face-to-face connections. Also, don’t expect (or wait for) other people to reach out to you if you’re in a tough situation.

Reach out first. In time, others should start taking the initiative to reach out. Definitely stay open to making new friends.

While you practice appreciation, map out how you will address the challenge and maintain healthy face-of-face connections, believe in YOU! Don’t give up on yourself. There really is more within you than you may ever know while you’re in this world. You’d be shocked to know how much is in you. So, stay strong if life gets tough. Stay motivated and reach your deepest, most important goals.

Life Changing Stories that Matter

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

life changing stories in books website picture
Life changing stories

Life changing stories are part of the human experience. Sharpen your radar, and you might notice that people tell stories before they ask for money, for a time investment, or for a favor like helping them to pack and move. For example, just before she asks you to help her pay her rent, a friend might tell you a story about how she contracted a virus and incurred an unexpected medical bill.

Life Changing Stories – Lasting Impact

Certainly, some of us are better storytellers than others. And it doesn’t mean that someone is lying simply because he tells good stories. In fact, before humans were writing or reading, we were telling stories. Oral traditions date back centuries. In places like West Africa, oral storytelling was used to entertain, educate and maintain histories. As it did then, storytelling offers so much to appreciate, love and share.

In other parts of the world, chants were used as part of storytelling. So too were songs, poems and dance. Clearly, storytelling is a powerful communication tool. Marketers use it to develop emotional connections between consumers and their brands, products and/or services. Preachers use it to clarify scriptures and biblical teachings. Furthermore, romantic couples use storytelling to build a bridge of understanding.

Regardless of the reason, to be impactful, stories must resonate. And, it’s not the storyteller who gets to determine how deeply a story resonates. But, a skilled storyteller can be so finely tuned into her audience, that she easily picks up cues from her audience, alerting her when to shift the focus of a story, share new events and churn a story with questions and cliffhanging emotion.

What Great Storytelling Does

Even then, the goal of the story remains unchanged. Dare it be said that the goal of a good story is to connect two people (the storyteller and the listener)? And, if not to connect the person telling the story and the listener then the goal is to connect the characters in the story and the reader.

Think about it. If you love reading stories, you probably have a few favorite book characters. Maybe it’s the inquisitive girl who grew up to be the detective who solves a century old mystery that has been plaguing a culture.

Or maybe it’s the injured Olympian who attempts suicide only to stumble upon a beggar who changes his life, inspiring him to give his life one more chance, the very chance that finds the injured Olympian doing the work that helps orphans go from living desperate to triumphant lives.

Your Part in Great Life Changing Stories

Admittedly, you may not notice it. But, as it is with the friend who tells you a story before she asks you to help pay her rent, you’re a part of the story. You’re not just a listener or a reader. In fact, the story wouldn’t work without you. Every great storyteller knows this.

Can’t you see an audience sitting around an oral storyteller centuries ago, waiting to hear what happens next, waiting to hear what the storyteller will share next? Have you ever wondered if these eager listeners knew that the stories that they listened to would impact their lives? Yes, even made up or fictional stories.

Do you think that’s why you like to read so much? You want your life to change. Somehow, you do. And you love when you happen upon a skilled storyteller who can help you to realize just that change.

Love Pours When You Receive Love as It Is

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By Books Author Denise Turney

Love pours and flows everywhere that you are. Yet, love seems evasive, hard to grasp and experience, let alone hold onto. Could part of the reason why you feel as if love is separate from you, a place where you aren’t, be due to how you define love?

Love Pour Over Me picture of woman smiling toward sky
Love Pours Over Me Book Picture

What Is Love?

For example, do you think of love as a warm inner feeling? Or maybe you associate love with intuition and a sense of inner knowing. Even more, love might feel like an adrenalin rush. Depending on your childhood, you might even think that love requires sacrifice.

Believe this and you might seek out a partner, colleagues, neighbors and friends who you deem worthy for you to sacrifice yourself for. When this occurs, you might give up your opinions, beliefs and passions so the other person can fulfill their beliefs and passions.

In extreme cases, you might become mute while around these people, judging these “special” people as more important than you are. But this route leads to frustration. Because no one is “special” or better or less than anyone else.

Love and Sacrifice

Years could pass before you realize this truth, especially if the dance of sacrifice is playing out in an intimate relationship. That’s when the relationship might be severely shaken. Why? You might feel as if you’ve given a lot more than you’ve received. Furthermore, you might feel like you’d given a lot more than the other person is worth.

And this is a major reason why love is not sacrifice. After all, what would love need? If love has and is everything that’s truth, why would love need sacrifice in any form?

Perceptions and beliefs about what love is, particularly as it regards sacrifice, can make love feel far away, like it’s only for the lucky few. Lack of forgiveness also makes love seem faraway, unreal.

Forgiveness Opens You So Love Pours

You may have heard the saying you get more of what you focus on. This alone, could be a key motivator to forgive. Focus on a wrong you perceive that someone has done to you, and you could get more chances to be wronged, definitely not the way to feel love’s presence.

I learned this lesson the hard way. When I perceived that someone had mistreated me, I told myself that I’d be dumb not to dislike her. The discomfort of carrying lack of forgiveness became a burden.

So, I decided to forgive.

But forgiving felt hard. It felt like I was pushing a mountain up a mountain.

Fortunately, I read an article filled with tips on how to open up to miracles. The writer of the article shared, to open up to miracles, spend at least an hour, no more than two hours, at one time saying, “I love you,” followed by the name of the person who I was struggling to forgive.

I tried it. And to my surprise it worked! A woman who’d mistreated me for more than a year, suddenly came up to me and gave me a hug. I was floored! She did it totally out of the blue! After that, our relationship was much better, and I actually felt love when I was in the woman’s presence. Before, I’d felt fear, anger, frustration and disappointment. Better yet, our relationship never went back to the strained way that it had been before.

When It Doesn’t Feel That Love Pours and Flows

Consider your relationships. Honestly, are there relationships with colleagues, partners, adult children, relatives or friends that find you feeling angry, defensive, afraid, depressed or small? Do you feel anything except love when you’re with these people?

What do you think might be blocking love’s flow in those situations? Could forgiveness play a role, even if it’s a matter of forgiving yourself?

For me, the experience with the woman who embraced me seemingly out-of-the-blue, was all the proof I needed that lack of forgiveness blocks the realization of love’s presence. And blocking love, leaves out goodness. You have to ask yourself if you’re up for that type of sacrifice.

Love Pours Over You

It’s a question Raymond Clarke has to ask himself in the book Love Pour Over Me. For Raymond, the struggle to forgive is rooted in childhood. The final choice he makes will do more than allow him to see (or remain blind) to love’s eternal presence. The final choice he makes will change his life and the lives of several people.

And isn’t this what is happening with your decisions about love and forgiveness? So, what do you think love is? Why do you define love this way? Are you open to seeing love as much more than you imagined? Are you ready to forgive? Are you ready to open to real love?

Here are a few tips that could help you open up to receive love:

  • Write down 5 things about the person you are struggling to forgive that you appreciate
  • Pen a letter to the person, sharing specific ways you feel she/he has wronged you. End the letter by sharing two things about the person you are thankful for.
  • Journal how you feel, penning thoughts that surface as you work to forgive the person. In my case, I’d journal about the woman giving me a hug out of the blue after I spent one to two hours saying “I love you” to her out loud.

Truth is, we cannot exist without love. Therefore, love is always with us. If you don’t feel love’s presence, what do you think it blocking the feeling / thoughts / experience of love? Hopefully, Raymond’s story will help you to spot love blocks as well as motivate you to choose love.

What Are You Afraid of? Regain Your Life

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By Books Author Denise Turney

To regain your life, face what scares you. Fear or love, that is all there is to choose from. What if the only choices that you ever had, that we all have, are between fear and love? Nothing else.

Life seems much more complicated. But is it?

Think back to your childhood. How old were you when you first felt fear, when you first felt afraid?

Light from candle to regain your life
Lit Candle Wix – Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Edukeralam, Navaneeth Krishnan S

I remember this golden, brown German Shepherd across the street from where my family lived in Ohio. Back then, I was eight years old. As usual, when I was outside playing – riding a bike, enjoying a game of hopscotch or jumping rope – I was with my siblings and friends.

Fear Offers No Comfort

There certainly was comfort in numbers. Yet, regardless of how many people were outside, when that German Shepherd (his name was “King”) showed up, people darted. I’m talking teenagers and kids. Folks broke out and headed for cover.

All of this fear over a German Shepherd who had broken his backyard chain again. The more intense the fear I was experiencing became, the more angry and helpless I felt. I also wanted the dog to just disappear, making it easy for the entire scene to be over.

Oh, but, when dogs break loose, they don’t go right back from whence they came. Instead, they explore, peeing on bushes and tree trunks. They also like to kick up dirt with their hind feet, as if to let every other dog in the neighborhood know how big and bad they are. And even if they don’t intend to, they scare a lot of kids. (See these tips on how you could face fear and regain your life.)

Ever Changing Fear

My fear of “King” disappeared after my family moved to a different neighborhood. But that wasn’t the end of fear for me. After “King”, there were bullies, spooky movies, the nightly news, and a few bad grades that I was very concerned about showing my dad.

Fast forward to my adult years, and “King” was far at the back of my memory, certainly no longer something that pulled up fear in me. The 12 year old girl I’d been afraid of, the girl I let bully me in elementary school, didn’t even pop into my mind. She was long gone as it relates to fear, totally in the past.

But don’t go thinking that I stopped choosing fear over love. In fact, in place of big neighborhood dogs, school bullies and a bad report card, there were bills, fear of the unknown, fear of love, challenging work assignments and growing numbers of people I knew who were exiting their bodies or transitioning.

Yeah. The things that I chose to allow fear to use to bind me have changed. But that type of change doesn’t mean anything unless I’m choosing love instead of fear.

Regain Your Life – Choose Love Instead of Fear

The good news. It’s a choice that I’m paying attention to, practicing awareness so I can choose love. Thing is, fear, as you can see, takes on a myriad of forms. Its content remains unchanged. But the forms that fear uses seem always in motion.

Oddly, with love, it’s the content that I have long, perhaps always, focused on. Safe, warm feelings, a sense of belonging and conviction that I’m cared for are part of love’s content for me. Doesn’t matter if that content comes through my pet turtle, a friend, relative, engaging in my passion (writing) or listening to the smoothest song. If the content is there, I feel it. I appreciate it.

And the content never changes. It’s one of the things that I absolutely love about love. Perhaps it’s time that we all focused more on love’s content and less on fear and its myriad forms.

Toward this effort, I wrote a book about what fear did to a town in Memphis, Tennessee. The title of that book is Spiral. Read the book and you may be amazed at how far reaching, twisting, blinding and binding fear can get to be. It’s worse than any virus. Once fear takes root, look out. Or better yet, choose love.