Category Archives: Writing Musings

Musings from author Denise Turney on writing, including freelance, marketing, self-help, nonfiction and journal writing. Here you will find book marketing tips as well as advice on places where you can go to sharpen your craft and network with other writers, including novelists. You’ll also find places where you can network with readers, editors, publishers and literary agents.

About the Brilliant Love of a Good Family

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

picture of family of birds love in tree
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Touhid biplob

The ongoing rewards and peace that come from growing up in a good family are immeasurable. There’s this sense of safety that, though possible to be found in other places, rarely is. Also, because loved ones supported you as you were maturing, catching you before you fell, you may have the ability to trust. You may even be open to taking smart risks that lead you into relationship, social, business and community successes.

Growing Up in a Good Family

Of course, there are instances when good family relationships start late. For example, years may pass before you meet a biological sibling, a brother or sister who becomes your best friend. But if the connection is strong, within months or just a few years, the bond that your sibling and you share may be unbreakable.

It’s these strong family bonds that can help you get through life’s toughest challenges, hard times you may not see coming. Grow up in a good family that practices honesty and you can also be entrusted with your parents’, grandparents’ and aunts’ and uncles’ real-life stories of failure, resolve, trust and success.

You’ll carry your ancestors’ stories with you everywhere you go, for the remainder of your physical expression. At times, their stories will surface in your memory like long lost gifts.

Family Past That Gets You Thru Tough Challenges

My great-grandmother’s story of failure, tenacity, persistence and eventual lifelong success inspired me to keep going during one of the toughest times of my life. In fact, just knowing that a woman in my family had overcome a trying early adulthood convinced me that I could get through whatever came my way.

It’s due to family goodness that Portia doesn’t quit after her family doctor, a physician Portia has known since she was a kid, long before she became a successful Chicago defense attorney, tells her that she has breast cancer. And, before she turns forty, Portia ends up needing her family more than she realizes.

Fortunately, Portia shares rich, rewarding experiences with her relatives. Her mother is a respected secondary school teacher who works at a school on Chicago’s South Side. Even more, her father has a history of putting courage into action.

Family Love That Last

Throughout the 1960s, Portia’s father was active in the Civil Rights Movement. He stood on local and national front lines when doing so put a leader’s life in danger. He didn’t even back down after other Civil Rights leaders were threatened and attacked.

By the time the 1980s rolled around, the work that her father did was paving a way for Portia. In fact, it’s the Civil Rights organizing that her father engaged in that inspired her to become a defense attorney. But it’s the love she received from her family that sustains her during the lowest points of her life.

No way could Portia’s ancestors have known that their love, care and kindness for Portia would suffice, would actually be enough, as Portia faced mortality, as she faced the potential end of her physical experience. How good for Portia that they loved her at a time in her young life when it appeared as if hers would be a traditional life, free of intense struggle.

Read Portia – A Book About the Power of Good Family Love

And who could blame them. By the time Portia was a teenager, the 1960s were beyond her. In fact, her family appeared to have turned a corner, a long arduous corner. But life in this world is filled with ups and downs, highs and lows.

How fortunate Portia is to have received love from a good family. There would come a time when the love of a good family would seem like all she had. Who knows? Maybe that time comes for more than we imagine.

Read Portia to explore the power of good family love. Let yourself be inspired to be there for your family. One day you may need the family stories that you create with your relatives. They just might help get you through your life’s greatest challenges, hard times that you don’t even see coming.

11 Good Ways to Learn to Love Yourself

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

selflove pour over me book
Learn to love yourself

Discover effective ways to learn to love yourself and you could open up to the good you’ve been seeking. However, it’s important that you find the right path. After all, what works for your friend, neighbor or colleague, might not work for you. Yet, there are smart self-love actions that will work for you.

Catch Yourself to Know When You Need to Activate Ways to Learn to Love Yourself

Practicing self-love seems as natural as breathing, as normal as hearing water running through a kitchen spigot. But, loving yourself isn’t always easy. First, there are those nagging judgments to get beyond, thoughts like “you’re always making mistakes,” “everybody thinks you’re boring,” “your mother never was happy with you” or “nothing ever turns out right for you”.

It’s almost as if those nagging thoughts are coming from outside of you, from somewhere else. After all, who would talk to herself in such mean, painful ways?

Yet, think back. Doesn’t that nagging voice in your head sound just like your voice? Could it be that another part of your mind is hammering you with unkind thoughts and beliefs?

Don’t sit idle. Don’t allow the harsh, unloving talk to continue. You don’t want to start projecting those unloving thoughts, creating unkind experiences for yourself. Instead, learn to love yourself.

There are rewards. In fact, happiness and peace are only two major rewards that you gain when you learn self love. Confidence, improved self-esteem, opening to adventure, newness and playfulness are other rewards associated with self-love.

Reverse the Damage – Learn to Love Yourself

Check out these 11 ways to learn to love yourself. But don’t just look over the list of actions that you can take to express love to yourself. Put a few of these ways to learn to love yourself into action.

  1. Speak one loving thought out loud to yourself in the morning while standing in front of a mirror. Also, speak this same loving thought to yourself at night before you go to bed. Again, stand in front of a mirror when you speak this loving thought to yourself.
  2. Live in the present.
  3. Do something fun outside. It could be as simple as sitting on the porch, riding a bike, walking or reading a book outside.
  4. Write about a situation that you feel fear about (e.g. telling a friend that you’re not going to her party) in a journal. See if the fear doesn’t lower.
  5. Sing and dance absent a care, just sing and dance

More Ways to Learn Self Love

  1. Sit down and do nothing for 15 minutes before you go to bed. Treat yourself to a good night of sleep and rest.
  2. Appreciate the light and beauty in others without comparing yourself to anyone.
  3. Write down thoughts and behavior patterns you’d like to change. List actions you will take to change the thoughts and the behaviors. Be honest with yourself. Exercise your power.
  4. Accept full responsibility for your thoughts and behaviors.
  5. Say “No” when you don’t want to do something.
  6. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes. If you do this effectively, you’ll also forgive others when they make mistakes.

Projecting What You Believe About Yourself

Sigmund Freud wrote about the concept of projection. It’s possible to project and not know it, but you will feel its effects. As shared in Psychology Today, projection is the act of “displacing one’s feelings onto a different person, animal or objects.” And yes. Projection can be positive. Also, projection can occur when you transfer or project lofty thoughts and feelings that you have for yourself onto another person, animal or object.

In fact, this happens when you project inner good thoughts and emotions onto an athlete, actress, business leader or community leader. Before you know it, you may elevate the person into celebrity. Imagine how you would treat yourself if you stopped projecting these positive thoughts and feelings onto another person and focused them on yourself.

Lifetime of Self Love

And if you keep positive thoughts healthy (instead of letting them drift into loftiness), you could start to love yourself in healthy ways. Try it. Incorporate a few of the ways to learn to love yourself shared in this article into your daily practices.

Make three or more of the 11 ways to learn to love yourself part of your inner patterns. Then, pay attention. See if you feel less guilt. Also, notice if you feel more empowered, safe and cared for. And, because self-love is an ongoing choice, be open to adding, removing and changing actions that you engage in to express love to yourself.

One more thing about projection. As you love yourself more deeply, you’ll extend that love to others. And it will be as natural as breathing, as normal as hearing water running out of a kitchen spigot. Learn more about love and its power in Love Pour Over Me.

Long Lasting Harm of Abusive Childhood

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By Books Author Denise Turney

child abuse awareness ribbon
Wikimedia Commons – Image by TraumaAndDissociation

Left untreated, effects from an abusive childhood endure. Child abuse appears in different forms. However, physical abuse may be the more widely considered form. Yet, as horrible as physical abuse is, emotional and psychological abuse, including neglect, leave deep, long lasting scars. The trauma is so pervasive that it’s been reported that child abuse actually alters a person’s DNA.

Facing an Abusive Childhood

In fact, Reuters reports that, “Trauma has lasting effects on mental and physical health that may stem from changes to DNA which undermine a person’s ability to rebound from stress, according to new research.” Recent studies on child abuse, like the study conducted by Seth Pollak that’s referenced by Reuters, shed more light on child abuse’s far reaching effects.

Unfortunately, child abuse still doesn’t get the attention that it needs to encourage the right consistent action that’s required to ensure no child is ever abused again. Will people care more about child abuse, report it each time they witness it or have suspicion that it’s occurring, after they become aware of the long-lasting harm of an abusive childhood?

Whether increased awareness will yield permanently good results, saving the lives of countless children, or not is yet to be seen. Right now, these stats are severely troubling. Each day about five children dies from child abuse, according to DoSomething. As many as 68% of children who are sexually abused are abused by a relative. Nearly three million child abuse cases are reported in the United States alone each year.

More Disturbing Child Abuse Stats

Even more, about 70% of children who die daily from child abuse in the United States is younger than three years old. One can only presume how many actual child abuse cases there are, considering cases that are never reported.

Among the deep, jarring hidden wounds of child abuse are genetic brain changes, stress, insomnia, constant feelings of being inadequate, low self-esteem, lack of confidence and ongoing fear. Painful shame, guilt and difficulties forming and maintaining healthy relationships are other hidden wounds of child abuse that time does not heal.

Fact is, it can take years of deep, focused inner work to begin to heal from child abuse. As an adult, people who were abused as a child may smile, laugh and communicate as if there had been absolutely no abuse during their early childhood.

Signs of Child Abuse

But, blending in doesn’t mean that the wounds aren’t there. To recover and learn to love yourself, psychotherapy, meditation, journaling and ongoing efforts at self-care and self-love may be required. Healing also comes through safe relationships like genuine friendships.

The sooner child abuse is spotted, reported, stopped and a child entered into safe places to begin to heal, the better. But, even then, there will be work for the child to do in order to heal.

Child abuse signs include:

  • Child being overly withdrawn
  • Terrified or extremely afraid of making a mistake
  • Unexplained injuries and bruises
  • Repeatedly flinching when someone simply raises her hand
  • Wears long sleeved shirts and long pants during summer to hide injuries
  • Difficulty sitting
  • Age-inappropriate sexual knowledge
  • Efforts to avoid a specific person
  • Misses school frequently
  • Self-harm

Few, if any, long to look upon the ugly part of humanity. But look we must. To stop child abuse, we also must act, reporting instances of this vicious crime. We must be there for children and adults healing from abuse, even if, at the very least, we meet children and suffering adults with sincere kindness and ample patience to give the abused time and room to adjust to a new, better life.

Offering encouragement – Love Pour Over Me – the story of a man raised by a father with untreated alcoholism. An inspirational love story written to help readers heal.

7 Elements to Love About Mystery Books for Adults

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By African American Writer Denise Turney

mystery of owl peeking in tree picture
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Pixel la Free Stock Photos

Mystery books for adults range from romance suspense to mysteries of the unknown to real life detective stories. Despite the differences, it’s the pace and plot that drive these books. Let these two elements be off and you might put classic and modern suspense novels down. Yet, pace and plot aren’t the only must haves that readers look for in a good suspense novel.

7 Elements in Mystery Books

If you’re a writer who’s looking to engage readers more deeply, consider these 7 elements readers love about mystery books. And yes – at the front of the pack are pace and plot. More about those elements that can turn a manuscript from a hidden gem into one of the top selling mystery books.

  • Characters – Believable characters resemble real people. They may remind your books’ readers of themselves. That means that characters in mystery books have strengths and weaknesses. These characters also have one or more childhood or adult experiences that shape them, that may make it hard for the character to change, overcoming a weakness that threatens to cost her everything.
  • Dialogue – The dialogue in a mystery has to fit the character. It’s not believable if a quiet, reserved woman with strong religious beliefs curses her boss out-of-the-blue for undermining her promotional opportunity.
  • History – Street and business names may change in historic mystery books. But dates and core history events can’t change too much, if at all when making these events part of mystery books for adults. Opt for pivotal history events, the very events that elicit strong emotion. It’s this strong emotion that can create a deep connection between readers and your books’ characters.

7 Elements in Mystery Best Sellers Continued

  • Setting – Akin to events, setting can surface strong emotions and memories in readers. Effective setting examples include New York City, Paris, the rugged West, especially during the early 20th century, an isolated island and a barren mountain or forest area.
  • Pace – Here’s an area that writers of award-winning mystery books get right. These authors know when to reveal secrets. They also know when to reveal key character motivations, fears and regrets. As tempting as it may be, revealing secrets and motivations too soon can make your story feel forced. Also, make revelations too late and modern mystery novels may feel like they’re unfolding at a snail’s pace.
  • Plot – Of course, captivating modern mystery novels have the type of winning plot that makes for a hit movie. To develop a winning plot, try creating a three-page outline for your mystery books. See if the outline moves you. If it doesn’t, keep tweaking it. After all, you’ve got to have a great, engaging plot.
  • Secrets – Fortunately, secrets are easy to create. In fact, you could use a secret from your personal life (a secret you’ve already shared) to drive modern mystery novels. Just make sure the secrets in mystery books fit the books’ characters.

Award winning mystery books are so compelling, well-paced and engaging that they can keep readers up until the wee hours of the morning, turning page after page. Right from the start, authors reveal one or more key points about the book’s major characters, the type of details that either find you rooting for or against the characters. What you won’t do is not care about what happens to the characters.

Loving Mystery Books For Adults

And it’s that simple. After readers are put in a position of wanting to know what happens to a character, they may find it hard to put mystery books down. Dialogue, setting and connections to real life events are other elements that readers love about mystery best sellers.

Also, think about it. Don’t your favorite suspense books unfold so vividly that you can actually see scenes in the books happening? So, writing that flows, a superb pace and visual strength are musts. However, if you’re an author looking to pull readers deeper into suspense books that you write, don’t forget the power of history.

Modern Mystery Novels

Ramp mystery books for adults up with key historic events and you could surface strong emotions in readers, powerful emotions that are connected to the historic events. And isn’t emotion the primary reward offered by good books? An example of a book that offers this emotional rush is Spiral.

Set during the 1940s, Spiral is a mystery book that digs into tensions that surface in America even as the country is deep into World War II. Dark secrets threaten to expose the city’s underbelly. And prominent people will do anything to keep the truth hidden. As with other page turning mystery books, it’s the combination of history, characterization, pace and setting that arrest readers’ attention. Read the book’s description and see if the feature elements, many covered in this article, don’t pique your interest.

What to Do When Love Relationships Aren’t Easy

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By Books Author Denise Turney

couple holding hands love relationships
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Dtd1986

Love relationships bloom, explode, empower and go bad. Like life, love is not still. Instead, love is like the wind. It’s hard to tell where it’s going. And it’s certain that love cannot be controlled. It doesn’t matter how hard you try. You cannot control love. In fact, tears won’t do it. Screaming, cursing and arguing won’t give you the keys to control love. When romance is sweet, it’s good, but what do you do when it goes bad?

Relationship Roadblocks

Simply, love calls for patience. Love calls for trust. And love calls for faith. The competitive, controlling part of our minds doesn’t like that. Is it any wonder that love relationships churn up so much discomfort in us?

Yet, it’s in sincere love relationships where we awaken more to our true self. It’s certainly worth the work. However, there may be roadblocks, unexpected roadblocks. These roadblocks show up sooner or later. They’re on the inside of you and your partner. You can’t see them with your physical eye.

It’s these roadblocks that can see your love relationship shift from pleasure, excitement and warmth to pain, fear and icy doubt. How so? For starters, what if you and the person who you’re in a love relationship with has yet to even begin facing, let alone dealing with, your erroneous perceptions and beliefs?

Erroneous Love Relationship Perceptions and Beliefs

For example, what if you or your partner was hit and/or verbally demeaned while a child? But not only that. What if you or your partner developed (and accepted) the perceptions that people are a danger to your well-being. The belief driving this perception might be that you shouldn’t try new things because you’ll fail and be teased because you’re dumb?

Or perhaps the perception is that people can’t be trusted because they only love or accept you when you work hard, give them money or do favors for them. Again, there’s a belief driving the perception. In this case, the belief might be that you’re really worthless and that the only way to gain a smidgen of acceptance or love is to work hard or to give people things and favors (because, after all, they don’t really want you because you’re really worthless).

And, these are just two beliefs and two perceptions. Imagine what your love relationships may be like if you and the people who you relate to had just ten similar beliefs and perceptions?

Tough Love Relationships

Can make for tough love relationships. So, to get to a healthy relationship rooted in love, it’s important that both you and your partner do the work. After all, your inner world isn’t going to magically fix itself. Furthermore, your partner’s inner world isn’t going to magically work itself out. And this inner work journey is ongoing.

Unfortunately, talking about how much you want to change isn’t going to work like a magic wand. This is where prayer, meditation, trust and faith can do wonders (not magic). Additionally, it takes honesty and a clear, shared goal that you both find extremely rewarding.

This means, no lying, abuse, manipulation, competing or controlling. Even more, it’s important to respect deal breakers. Clearly, abuse is a sure relationship deal breaker. No excuses. It’s a relationship deal breaker.

Pathways to Enduring Love

When there’s no abuse, but your relationship gets hard, try spending more time with each other. Spending time a part could also help. If you take the latter approach, set a date for when you and your lover will connect again. Getting back together is just one step in the relationship recovery process. To make your relationship sweet again, consider:

  • Talking about what is causing you to feel unloved in the relationship
  • Focus on active listening. Try to listen to your partner as much as possible
  • Discuss specific issues that are weakening the relationship. Examples include money, child raising habits and work boundaries.
  • Make your relationship a priority
  • Set aside time to be with your lover and avoid letting non-emergencies intrude on this time
  • Accept that all relationships take work, the more frequently you’re with someone (a spouse, child, sibling), the more work you might have to invest in the relationship
  • Keep your word and do what you say you will and expect the same of your partner
  • Hold yourself in high regard, no more or less than you do your partner
  • Spend quiet time in your own company
  • Engage in activities that cause you to feel empowered

Getting Closer to Sweet Love Relationships

You’re not going to get closer to a real love relationship if you stay in abusive relationships and keep trying to convince yourself that you’re someone who it’s okay to beat up. After all, you deserve love. You deserve to be loved real good.

 So, if your partner is responsible and accountable for their self and doesn’t blame you for where they are in life or how they feel, although it might not always be easy to navigate the love relationship, it might be worth it. Together, you could help each other to see the erroneous perceptions and beliefs that have been serving as roadblocks to real love.

Feeling safe with each other, you both might start to release these errors in thinking. It could take years. But it’s worth it. In fact, that’s when love relationships become really sweet.

What Happens When Friendships Cross Culture and Race

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By African American Books Author Denise Turney

Love friendships cross culture and race book

Desperation and trauma can link two people who are worlds apart as it regards culture and race, creating unbreakable friendship lifelines. Don’t think so? Let your car skid off a cliff, leaving you hanging more than 100 feet above a river, currents raging, and you may not care who shows up to pull you up to safety.

At the end of it all, you might even consider that person to be an ally or a friend. In fact, although desperation and trauma certainly don’t create the relationship cure, they can do what years of relationship counseling might not.

Quotes About Friendships

Which points to a friendship core. Lasting lines for friends develop when you recognize that someone is in a place to help you. At first glance, this may sound selfish. But, when you consider the power of reward, this may be one of the more accurate sayings about friends.

After all, do you really want to develop, actually put in the work on a nearby or long distance friendship that cannot give you even one emotional, spiritual, financial or physical experience that you want?

According to LifeHack, of all the friendship quotes and sayings, this one is often shared when it comes to friends, “Surround yourself with the people you want to be like.” This holds a meaning similar to these African friendship quotes and sayings, “A friend is someone you share the path with” and “Show me your friend and I will show you your character.”

Friendships that Cross Culture and Race Are Akin to Lighthouses

In this case, your friend is someone who has had experiences that can serve as a lighthouse, helping you to know when you’re on the right path or getting lost. Even then, that guidance finds your friend giving you a reward. Once these rewards are received, particularly if they are rewards that you’d believed hard for you to receive, you may start to see the value of a good friend more clearly.

And you might refuse to let culture or race differences create gaps between you and your friend. You could even put in the work to keep a long-distance friendship strong.

For example, if you feel unheard, as if no one invest the time to listen to you long enough to actually hear what you say, except a woman whose culture and race are different from yours you and you really want to be heard, you may open the lines to a marvelous friendship to that woman. It has nothing to do with culture or race. Instead, it has to do with the inner workings of you and another person.

Signs Someone is Your Friend Regardless of Their Culture and Race

Being heard is a reward, for sure. It’s a great way to know that you are cared for. Other friendship signs that easily cross race and culture differences include:

  • Whether your friend and you live among the mad rush of New York City or are navigating a long-distance relationship, you actively listen to each other
  • Your friends make your well-being top priority
  • Both you and your friend practice honesty
  • Keeping in touch with you is natural, so too is giving you space
  • If your friends need you (and vice versa), you show up
  • Celebrating your successes and awakenings is a lot of fun for your friends

More True Friendship Signs

  • Rather than watch you fall apart or make a huge mistake, your friends sit down and talk with you
  • Gossip is an activity that your friend and you just don’t get into
  • You and your friend know and accept each other for who you really are
  • In addition to exploring deep conversation, your friend and you have lots of fun, laughter and new adventures together
  • Giving each other time, space and support to grow and awaken is both your thing

Even during challenges, relationship counseling isn’t needed among good friends who practice honesty. And it may be honesty that’s the hallmark of a good friendship. Honesty might matter more than language or culture. This might be why hours of relationship counseling don’t save some relationships. Some of us won’t let courage burst through in our own inner world, let alone with another person.

Courageous Honest Lines for Friends

It takes courage to be honest. Yet, it’s also courage that gives you the strength to say what you really want to say, keeping you free of the damage caused by repression. Depending on your parents or caretakers, you may have been taught honesty’s power, being encouraged to put honesty ahead of politeness and social norms.

Or you could be like Leslie, a main character in Love Has Many Faces. Leslie has an in-your-face attitude. She doesn’t hold back. She and Robin, an up-and-coming playwright, are a world apart, culturally and racially. Yet, it’s Robin’s and Leslie’s personalities that put them most at odds. After all, whereas Leslie is loud and brazen, Robin is gentle, quiet and reserved. If any relationship appears set to be doomed, it’s theirs.

But Leslie and Robin do make their friendship work. They value their relationship, even during the periods when it’s relegated to a long-distance friendship. Does the goodness happen at once? No. But, when it does happen, it last forever or at least until trauma strikes. And, even then, their friendship may not be broken, making Love Has Many Faces, a rewarding friendship book.

Can Adults Really Heal from Childhood Trauma?

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By African American Books Author Denise Turney

Childhood trauma and abuse broken heart
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Nevit Dilmen

Childhood trauma, also referred to as adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), occurs to children from all backgrounds. Moving beyond childhood trauma can require years of inner work. In fact, the process of healing can be grueling. But it’s so worth it.

Childhood Trauma Types

Bullying, sexual abuse, domestic violence, grief and medical trauma are types of childhood trauma. Other types of childhood trauma include terrorism, war, violence in communities that children live in and verbal and emotional abuse. School shootings is an example of community violence.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent, a parent with a drug addiction or mental illness could put a child at risk of experiencing trauma. Parents with untreated psychological, addiction or emotional illnesses may engage in domestic violence, bullying, verbal and emotional abuse and/or sexual abuse against their children. If they don’t directly engage in the abuses, they might tolerate another person abusing their children.

More Trauma Types

Additionally, if children live with their abusers (e.g. parents, older siblings), they may be afraid to address or tell anyone about the abuse. This could complicate the way that children process what is happening. Should children blame themselves for the abuse, it could create a spiral effect of guilt, shame and negative emotional or behavioral response.

Clearly, not all childhood trauma involves abuse. Examples of these traumatic events include repeatedly being rushed to the hospital due to a recurring illness or disease and grief or losing a sibling or parent. Regardless of the type of childhood trauma, the sooner the trauma is identified and healed, the better.

Effects of childhood trauma can be lasting. It’s critical to stop, identify and heal trauma early, absolutely as soon as possible. A Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser study found that ACEs are linked to depression, anxiety, suicide, PTSDs, chronic disease, maternal health and risky behavior.

Overcoming Childhood Trauma

More than 38% of the participants in the CDC-Kaiser study had a college degree or higher. Education is not a sure barrier against trauma. Addressing trauma early is key to healing. It is also key to preventing trauma from progressing and moving from one generation to another.

Express your feelings, thoughts and images about childhood trauma as soon as you are aware of the experience. If you’re an adult, the awareness may come through dreams, emotions, images or words that keep “popping” up in your mind.

Until you feel safe to share your experience and emotions with others, consider journaling about the experience. You could also write a letter to your younger self. Share how much you love and support yourself.

Allow yourself to express emotions that surface. Healing is the act of releasing past trauma. Group therapy could offer a safe environment, perhaps helping to push emotions to the surface so that you can look at the emotions in a safe environment and release them.

Getting to Safety

Very Well Mind shares a process that you may find helpful. Included among these steps and other healing actions are:

  • Connect with other people in a safe, healing way
  • Find a safe, structured environment where you can openly express your emotions. Allow different parts of yourself to surface (e.g. judgmental, compassionate, wounded child).
  • Love all of yourself. Accept all parts of your psyche.
  • Fully feel and sense what occurred. It may help to work through trauma with a licensed therapist.
  • Stay free of comparing your trauma with anyone else’s trauma or challenges. You are unique, lovable you.
  • Write down emotions, thoughts and images that surface.
  • Ask the Creator for help and receive the help.
  • Forgive yourself for harboring ill feelings and negative thoughts about yourself.
  • Move. Get outside and move, taking walks, jogging, hiking, etc.
  • Help another child should you become aware of another child who is going thru the trauma that you experienced.
  • Be patient with yourself. Continue to do the work until you are free of the trauma. Do the work even if it takes decades. You’re so worth it!

Ongoing Support

Be patient with yourself. Overcoming childhood trauma could take decades. But it may only take weeks to start experiencing the positive effects of the inner work. This good work may help you should you experience an emergency and need to make quick, smart decisions.

It is my hope that Love Pour Over Me will also help you as you work through childhood trauma. Love Pour Over Me tells the fictionalized story of a talented athlete who was abandoned by his mother and left to be raised by an abusive father who has untreated alcoholism.

Resources:

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/acestudy/about.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64896/

10 Ways to Heal From Trauma (verywellmind.com)

How to Get on the Other Side of Grief

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By Books Author Denise Turney

woman on floor by bathtub dealing with other side of grief
Wikimedia Commons

Loss of a loved one can knock the wind out of you. And each loss is new, different from any other loss you’ve experienced. So, be kind to yourself. Perhaps more importantly, be infinitely patient with yourself. This cannot be stressed too much. To get on the other side of grief, you’re going to have to be patient with yourself.

Patience and How Other People Respond to Grief

Another thing, don’t let anyone tell you how you should be responding to what you are dealing with. It may not seem like it. But change, loss and trauma are major scares for people. Because of this, some people might try to push you through grief.

Others may work hard to get you to disassociate or repress. Why? Seeing changes in you may remind them of a trauma or unwanted event. Therefore, it may bring them comfort to see you unchanged. But that’s not how you get on the other side of grief.

Instead of repressing or disassociating, to get on the other side of grief, accept what is. This is important. As you move through grief, you may experience instances when life in this world feels surreal. That’s not all. There may be instances when you experience forgetfulness. You might even think that the person you’re grieving is still here.

Advice to Get on the Other Side of Grief

There’s no one step that fits every grief situation. But these steps can help you to start the healing process:

  • Understand that you won’t always feel this great loss
  • You can get on the other side of grief even if you think you’ll always feel crushed by the experience
  • Seek the support of others.
  • Commit to visiting family and friends (even when you feel flat)
  • Let good friends help and loving relatives come over and sit with you
  • Stay clear of judging yourself or others
  • Avoid setting expectations for how you think others should respond to you while you’re grieving. Believe it or not, they are dealing with the change too.
  • Join a grief discussion group. For example, you could join a private online grief support group. Make sure the group is moderated and professionally managed. As with other things, avoid giving out private details online or offline.
  • Attend counseling sessions with a licensed, experienced counselor as needed

More Ways to Get on the Other Side of Grief

Did I already say – be infinitely patient with yourself? You may go through more forward and backward steps than you can count before you get on the other side of grief (however, the change you’ve experienced may leave you permanently different). You’ll definitely learn about self-patience. While you’re being patient with yourself, also:

  • Write your loved one a letter for as long as you feel you need to. For example, you could write a loved one every day then once a week then once a month for as long as you find it beneficial.
  • Look at your loved one’s picture. Cry if you want to.
  • No repressing – It doesn’t make you a heroine; repressing just prolongs the pain.
  • Do something that you enjoy every day
  • Meditate
  • Get outdoors (sit on the porch, go for a walk or bike ride, etc.)
  • Listen to music that you love
  • Tell yourself that everything is open to change. You’re not stuck.

Also, try new things. When my mom transitioned when I was only seven years old, I didn’t know what “death” was. Today, I don’t believe in death because I know that we’re not bodies. Anyhow, back then, I thought that my mom had chosen something else over me and my siblings.

You Can Get on the Other Side of Grief

It was tough wrapping my head around this thing that people call “death” when I was just a kid. Years would pass before I realized that I associated change with my mom passing (or leaving).

I didn’t think that anything could be as hard as dealing with my mom transitioning. I was wrong. Between my mom’s transition and my paternal grandmother’s transition, I’d experience many other people leaving their bodies.

But, when my grandmother had a stroke (which came four years before she transitioned), I thought that it would take me out. You see, my paternal grandmother was like a mom to me. I’d grown up with her love. Fast forward a few years and my father was preparing to transition. You couldn’t have made me believe that his transition wouldn’t end my physical experience.

When my dad transitioned, inner advice came through, directing me to see people being “born” and “dying” as if people are coming in and out of an airport. People don’t cease to exist just because I can’t see them. Nor do they cease to exist because I miss them. I received similar inner guidance via a dream several years later.

Dealing with Deep Grief

As tough as my dad’s transition was, I got on the other side of grief again. But nothing prepared me for my son’s transition. Thank the Creator, my inner Self went to work, putting healing practices in place immediately. It was as if something unseen was guiding me.

I joined an online grief support group, sought professional counseling and started writing my son letters (which I still do to this day). Fortunately, my family didn’t busy themselves telling me how to grieve. It took two years to feel like I could stand up.

In between, I went to work, started writing on a novel, kept introducing readers to my books Long Walk Up, Portia, Love Pour Over Me, Spiral and Love Has Many Faces. I also went to the theater and went out to eat. But I’ll never be the same and I know it. Grief can change you. But you can open up to a new way of perceiving if you keep going and get on the other side of grief. Am I ever rooting for you!

Help Lines

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ – National Suicide Hotline

https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help – Mental Health.Gov

7 Blessings You Should Start Receiving

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By Fiction Author Denise Turney

7 blessings with apple tree blossoms picture
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by George Chernilevsky

Here are 7 blessings you should never talk yourself out of receiving. Opening up to these blessings, deep gifts, can shield you from burnout and pessimism. This goodness offers hope, motivation and inspiration, holding out a light.

Turn Regrets into Inspiration

First, you must be willing to receive these 7 blessings. After all, just because you desire goodness, doesn’t mean that you are ready to receive it. For instance, how often have you talked yourself out of doing what you know, what you absolutely know, you should do?

So, before you consider these gifts, check out the following top regrets people have before they exit their bodies. See if they surprise you:

  • The first thing that people in hospice share that they regret is holding their true feelings back
  • People also regret falling out of touch with family and friends
  • Caring too much what others think makes the list
  • Worrying is another regret to let go
  • Taking life for granted
  • Living in the past or the future, and not living in the present
  • Not living their “true” life

7 Blessings to Never Talk Yourself Out of Receiving

Sound familiar? Fortunately, it’s not too late to shift. In fact, there’s still time to turn regrets into inspiration. Start doing what you love, what causes you to feel joy. Free yourself of the belief that being “busy” means you’re fulfilled. Choose to slow down, enjoy life and be happy. And stop talking yourself out of these 7 blessings:

  • Go after what you really want. Take off the brakes. Launch that business, career, relationship, hobby, travel excursion, creative endeavor, etc. that you really want to sink your teeth into. This isn’t about being delusional or chasing clouds that will never have rain. It’s about doing the thing that’s rooted in love, the very thing you’ve wanted to do for months, perhaps years, but kept talking yourself out of.
  • Say “I Love You”. Let the desire to express your love for a friend or relative override your desire to play it safe and hide how you feel.
  • Start your day with motivational quotes and success statements. It may take a few days, but you can turn positive motivational quotes into a rewarding daily habit. Try standing in front of a mirror and speaking success quotes out loud. See how it makes you feel.

Let Yourself Receive More of These 7 Blessings

  • Visit exotic, faraway places. Instead of talking yourself out of that international or cross-country trip that you’ve dreamed about, start saving for the trip.
  • Exercise and eat to be healthy. Regardless of your weight, you can start working to be healthy. If you need weight loss motivation or the drive to get moving and exercise, consider what it would feel like to have the flu every day for the rest of your physical experience. Some diseases feel that badly. Let yourself see the contrast. Love yourself and choose good health habits.
  • Spend time with family and friends. These are people who you might think will always be there, so you don’t believe you really need to keep in touch with them. If this were only true. People enter and exit this world quicker than we expect. So, treat yourself to the company of friends and family.
  • Love yourself. This is a huge lesson that Raymond Clarke has to learn in Love Pour Over Me. It takes him decades, so many close calls. Hopefully, your path to self-love is much easier. You might find Raymond’s journey inspiring and motivating.

Finding the motivation to live your true, best life starts with Number 7. You really do need to love yourself. And, in order to love yourself, you have to get to know the real YOU. As you pursue this journey, be patient.

Daily Motivation Tips

Here are other tips that could do more than offer you inspiration and motivation, shielding you from a life filled with regret. These tips could help you to love yourself to the point where you stop talking yourself out of receiving love, what you really want to do and out of living your own true life.

For starters, do at least three things that you love each day. For example, you could relish in a warm bubble bath, read an engaging novel or treat yourself to an outdoor walk or bike ride. Also, connect with a relative or friend once a week, preferably in person.

And get enough sleep at night. Drink plenty of fresh water and eat a healthy diet of leafy greens, fruits and vegetables, whatever your body receives best. Journaling, singing and dancing are other daily motivation activities. And, of course, if you love being creative – definitely engage in at least one creative activity a day.

It takes a healthy dose of inner love to stop talking yourself out of these 7 blessings. Today, give yourself that gift. As it did for Raymond in Love Pour Over Me, doing so might not only change your life for the better. It might change the lives of those around you.

Resources

  1. What Do People Regret The Most Before They Die? (lifehack.org)

What Is It About Portia, An Inspiring, Progressive Teacher’s Daughter

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By African American Books Author Denise Turney

portia math teachers board work
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Daniel

Portia is another example of how much a daughter needs her mother’s love, especially during life’s crossroads. Portia’s mother is a teacher, a career where leaders inspire. But she doesn’t just teach, she implements progressive ideas at home and at school, opening her family and students to greater goodness.

Portia – Memories of a Great Inspiring Teacher

When I look back over my childhood and consider adults who I admired, people who I wanted to be pleased with me, my third-grade teacher definitely comes to mind. My third-grade schoolteacher was caring, thoughtful, smart and sharp.

She really cared about the students she taught. After my mother passed, there were times when I wished that my third-grade schoolteacher was my substitute mom.

My third-grade teacher was an inspiring, progressive woman, not unlike Portia’s mother. Just being around my third-grade teacher made me believe that amazing possibilities were open for me as a woman, and this at a time when women were perceived to be weaker than men.

Portia’s Mother, Inspiring Progressive Teacher

Portia’s mother is a prominent Chicago schoolteacher. Her husband was active in the civil rights movement, working the frontlines to improve communities and the country. Her students trust her so much that they seek her out for guidance and support.

“Try harder,” Portia’s mother encourages her students, inspiring them to reach beyond the break, to do more than they believe they can do. “Deep down, you know you can do amazingly good, awesome deeds,” she’d tell her students, further inspiring them.

“If people tell you that you can’t do something, remember that they are only telling you what they think they can or can’t achieve,” she’d continue. “And I know you. Because I know you, I believe in you.” After a pause, Portia’s mother would tell her students, “I know that you can do any good thing.”

Teachers Are Inspirational Mothers

In those and other ways, she was so much like my third-grade teacher, always looking out for a child who wasn’t her own. That could be why some teachers are inspirational mothers. During the hardest experiences, times like the challenging COVID-19, teachers find a way.

It’s why, even after teaching in a classroom all day, Portia’s mother always has the energy to cover Portia and her siblings with love and care. Her work and her loving partnership with her husband allow Portia and her siblings to grow up in a courageous, happy family, a family that is an anchor in the community.

Portia grew up on Chicago’s South Side at a time when, around the United States, family was a stronger bond than a legal contract. Families looked out for each other. It’s part of the reason why Portia’s mother was such a fierce, loyal and loving mother.

Loving Roots Inspire

As a child, Portia doesn’t know how important her mother’s care will be to her future. It is her mother’s love that helps to give Portia the strength to keep going when she faces one of her life’s toughest challenges – breast cancer.

It’s this loving root that won’t let Portia’s story be depressing, even while it examines the challenges that she faces as she deals with breast cancer. Just as Portia’s mother’s students do, readers turn to the story to be inspired, encouraged and empowered. Read more about Portia in the self-titled book below.