What to Do When Love Relationships Aren’t Easy

By Books Author Denise Turney

couple holding hands love relationships
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Dtd1986

Love relationships bloom, explode, empower and go bad. Like life, love is not still. Instead, love is like the wind. It’s hard to tell where it’s going. And it’s certain that love cannot be controlled. It doesn’t matter how hard you try. You cannot control love. In fact, tears won’t do it. Screaming, cursing and arguing won’t give you the keys to control love. When romance is sweet, it’s good, but what do you do when it goes bad?

Relationship Roadblocks

Simply, love calls for patience. Love calls for trust. And love calls for faith. The competitive, controlling part of our minds doesn’t like that. Is it any wonder that love relationships churn up so much discomfort in us?

Yet, it’s in sincere love relationships where we awaken more to our true self. It’s certainly worth the work. However, there may be roadblocks, unexpected roadblocks. These roadblocks show up sooner or later. They’re on the inside of you and your partner. You can’t see them with your physical eye.

It’s these roadblocks that can see your love relationship shift from pleasure, excitement and warmth to pain, fear and icy doubt. How so? For starters, what if you and the person who you’re in a love relationship with has yet to even begin facing, let alone dealing with, your erroneous perceptions and beliefs?

Erroneous Love Relationship Perceptions and Beliefs

For example, what if you or your partner was hit and/or verbally demeaned while a child? But not only that. What if you or your partner developed (and accepted) the perceptions that people are a danger to your well-being. The belief driving this perception might be that you shouldn’t try new things because you’ll fail and be teased because you’re dumb?

Or perhaps the perception is that people can’t be trusted because they only love or accept you when you work hard, give them money or do favors for them. Again, there’s a belief driving the perception. In this case, the belief might be that you’re really worthless and that the only way to gain a smidgen of acceptance or love is to work hard or to give people things and favors (because, after all, they don’t really want you because you’re really worthless).

And, these are just two beliefs and two perceptions. Imagine what your love relationships may be like if you and the people who you relate to had just ten similar beliefs and perceptions?

Tough Love Relationships

Can make for tough love relationships. So, to get to a healthy relationship rooted in love, it’s important that both you and your partner do the work. After all, your inner world isn’t going to magically fix itself. Furthermore, your partner’s inner world isn’t going to magically work itself out. And this inner work journey is ongoing.

Unfortunately, talking about how much you want to change isn’t going to work like a magic wand. This is where prayer, meditation, trust and faith can do wonders (not magic). Additionally, it takes honesty and a clear, shared goal that you both find extremely rewarding.

This means, no lying, abuse, manipulation, competing or controlling. Even more, it’s important to respect deal breakers. Clearly, abuse is a sure relationship deal breaker. No excuses. It’s a relationship deal breaker.

Pathways to Enduring Love

When there’s no abuse, but your relationship gets hard, try spending more time with each other. Spending time a part could also help. If you take the latter approach, set a date for when you and your lover will connect again. Getting back together is just one step in the relationship recovery process. To make your relationship sweet again, consider:

  • Talking about what is causing you to feel unloved in the relationship
  • Focus on active listening. Try to listen to your partner as much as possible
  • Discuss specific issues that are weakening the relationship. Examples include money, child raising habits and work boundaries.
  • Make your relationship a priority
  • Set aside time to be with your lover and avoid letting non-emergencies intrude on this time
  • Accept that all relationships take work, the more frequently you’re with someone (a spouse, child, sibling), the more work you might have to invest in the relationship
  • Keep your word and do what you say you will and expect the same of your partner
  • Hold yourself in high regard, no more or less than you do your partner
  • Spend quiet time in your own company
  • Engage in activities that cause you to feel empowered

Getting Closer to Sweet Love Relationships

You’re not going to get closer to a real love relationship if you stay in abusive relationships and keep trying to convince yourself that you’re someone who it’s okay to beat up. After all, you deserve love. You deserve to be loved real good.

 So, if your partner is responsible and accountable for their self and doesn’t blame you for where they are in life or how they feel, although it might not always be easy to navigate the love relationship, it might be worth it. Together, you could help each other to see the erroneous perceptions and beliefs that have been serving as roadblocks to real love.

Feeling safe with each other, you both might start to release these errors in thinking. It could take years. But it’s worth it. In fact, that’s when love relationships become really sweet.

What Happens When Friendships Cross Culture and Race

By African American Books Author Denise Turney

Love friendships cross culture and race book

Desperation and trauma can link two people who are worlds apart as it regards culture and race, creating unbreakable friendship lifelines. Don’t think so? Let your car skid off a cliff, leaving you hanging more than 100 feet above a river, currents raging, and you may not care who shows up to pull you up to safety.

At the end of it all, you might even consider that person to be an ally or a friend. In fact, although desperation and trauma certainly don’t create the relationship cure, they can do what years of relationship counseling might not.

Quotes About Friendships

Which points to a friendship core. Lasting lines for friends develop when you recognize that someone is in a place to help you. At first glance, this may sound selfish. But, when you consider the power of reward, this may be one of the more accurate sayings about friends.

After all, do you really want to develop, actually put in the work on a nearby or long distance friendship that cannot give you even one emotional, spiritual, financial or physical experience that you want?

According to LifeHack, of all the friendship quotes and sayings, this one is often shared when it comes to friends, “Surround yourself with the people you want to be like.” This holds a meaning similar to these African friendship quotes and sayings, “A friend is someone you share the path with” and “Show me your friend and I will show you your character.”

Friendships that Cross Culture and Race Are Akin to Lighthouses

In this case, your friend is someone who has had experiences that can serve as a lighthouse, helping you to know when you’re on the right path or getting lost. Even then, that guidance finds your friend giving you a reward. Once these rewards are received, particularly if they are rewards that you’d believed hard for you to receive, you may start to see the value of a good friend more clearly.

And you might refuse to let culture or race differences create gaps between you and your friend. You could even put in the work to keep a long-distance friendship strong.

For example, if you feel unheard, as if no one invest the time to listen to you long enough to actually hear what you say, except a woman whose culture and race are different from yours you and you really want to be heard, you may open the lines to a marvelous friendship to that woman. It has nothing to do with culture or race. Instead, it has to do with the inner workings of you and another person.

Signs Someone is Your Friend Regardless of Their Culture and Race

Being heard is a reward, for sure. It’s a great way to know that you are cared for. Other friendship signs that easily cross race and culture differences include:

  • Whether your friend and you live among the mad rush of New York City or are navigating a long-distance relationship, you actively listen to each other
  • Your friends make your well-being top priority
  • Both you and your friend practice honesty
  • Keeping in touch with you is natural, so too is giving you space
  • If your friends need you (and vice versa), you show up
  • Celebrating your successes and awakenings is a lot of fun for your friends

More True Friendship Signs

  • Rather than watch you fall apart or make a huge mistake, your friends sit down and talk with you
  • Gossip is an activity that your friend and you just don’t get into
  • You and your friend know and accept each other for who you really are
  • In addition to exploring deep conversation, your friend and you have lots of fun, laughter and new adventures together
  • Giving each other time, space and support to grow and awaken is both your thing

Even during challenges, relationship counseling isn’t needed among good friends who practice honesty. And it may be honesty that’s the hallmark of a good friendship. Honesty might matter more than language or culture. This might be why hours of relationship counseling don’t save some relationships. Some of us won’t let courage burst through in our own inner world, let alone with another person.

Courageous Honest Lines for Friends

It takes courage to be honest. Yet, it’s also courage that gives you the strength to say what you really want to say, keeping you free of the damage caused by repression. Depending on your parents or caretakers, you may have been taught honesty’s power, being encouraged to put honesty ahead of politeness and social norms.

Or you could be like Leslie, a main character in Love Has Many Faces. Leslie has an in-your-face attitude. She doesn’t hold back. She and Robin, an up-and-coming playwright, are a world apart, culturally and racially. Yet, it’s Robin’s and Leslie’s personalities that put them most at odds. After all, whereas Leslie is loud and brazen, Robin is gentle, quiet and reserved. If any relationship appears set to be doomed, it’s theirs.

But Leslie and Robin do make their friendship work. They value their relationship, even during the periods when it’s relegated to a long-distance friendship. Does the goodness happen at once? No. But, when it does happen, it last forever or at least until trauma strikes. And, even then, their friendship may not be broken, making Love Has Many Faces, a rewarding friendship book.

Can Adults Really Heal from Childhood Trauma?

By African American Books Author Denise Turney

Childhood trauma and abuse broken heart
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Nevit Dilmen

Childhood trauma, also referred to as adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), occurs to children from all backgrounds. Moving beyond childhood trauma can require years of inner work. In fact, the process of healing can be grueling. But it’s so worth it.

Childhood Trauma Types

Bullying, sexual abuse, domestic violence, grief and medical trauma are types of childhood trauma. Other types of childhood trauma include terrorism, war, violence in communities that children live in and verbal and emotional abuse. School shootings is an example of community violence.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent, a parent with a drug addiction or mental illness could put a child at risk of experiencing trauma. Parents with untreated psychological, addiction or emotional illnesses may engage in domestic violence, bullying, verbal and emotional abuse and/or sexual abuse against their children. If they don’t directly engage in the abuses, they might tolerate another person abusing their children.

More Trauma Types

Additionally, if children live with their abusers (e.g. parents, older siblings), they may be afraid to address or tell anyone about the abuse. This could complicate the way that children process what is happening. Should children blame themselves for the abuse, it could create a spiral effect of guilt, shame and negative emotional or behavioral response.

Clearly, not all childhood trauma involves abuse. Examples of these traumatic events include repeatedly being rushed to the hospital due to a recurring illness or disease and grief or losing a sibling or parent. Regardless of the type of childhood trauma, the sooner the trauma is identified and healed, the better.

Effects of childhood trauma can be lasting. It’s critical to stop, identify and heal trauma early, absolutely as soon as possible. A Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser study found that ACEs are linked to depression, anxiety, suicide, PTSDs, chronic disease, maternal health and risky behavior.

Overcoming Childhood Trauma

More than 38% of the participants in the CDC-Kaiser study had a college degree or higher. Education is not a sure barrier against trauma. Addressing trauma early is key to healing. It is also key to preventing trauma from progressing and moving from one generation to another.

Express your feelings, thoughts and images about childhood trauma as soon as you are aware of the experience. If you’re an adult, the awareness may come through dreams, emotions, images or words that keep “popping” up in your mind.

Until you feel safe to share your experience and emotions with others, consider journaling about the experience. You could also write a letter to your younger self. Share how much you love and support yourself.

Allow yourself to express emotions that surface. Healing is the act of releasing past trauma. Group therapy could offer a safe environment, perhaps helping to push emotions to the surface so that you can look at the emotions in a safe environment and release them.

Getting to Safety

Very Well Mind shares a process that you may find helpful. Included among these steps and other healing actions are:

  • Connect with other people in a safe, healing way
  • Find a safe, structured environment where you can openly express your emotions. Allow different parts of yourself to surface (e.g. judgmental, compassionate, wounded child).
  • Love all of yourself. Accept all parts of your psyche.
  • Fully feel and sense what occurred. It may help to work through trauma with a licensed therapist.
  • Stay free of comparing your trauma with anyone else’s trauma or challenges. You are unique, lovable you.
  • Write down emotions, thoughts and images that surface.
  • Ask the Creator for help and receive the help.
  • Forgive yourself for harboring ill feelings and negative thoughts about yourself.
  • Move. Get outside and move, taking walks, jogging, hiking, etc.
  • Help another child should you become aware of another child who is going thru the trauma that you experienced.
  • Be patient with yourself. Continue to do the work until you are free of the trauma. Do the work even if it takes decades. You’re so worth it!

Ongoing Support

Be patient with yourself. Overcoming childhood trauma could take decades. But it may only take weeks to start experiencing the positive effects of the inner work. This good work may help you should you experience an emergency and need to make quick, smart decisions.

It is my hope that Love Pour Over Me will also help you as you work through childhood trauma. Love Pour Over Me tells the fictionalized story of a talented athlete who was abandoned by his mother and left to be raised by an abusive father who has untreated alcoholism.

Resources:

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/acestudy/about.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64896/

10 Ways to Heal From Trauma (verywellmind.com)

How to Get on the Other Side of Grief

By Books Author Denise Turney

woman on floor by bathtub dealing with other side of grief
Wikimedia Commons

Loss of a loved one can knock the wind out of you. And each loss is new, different from any other loss you’ve experienced. So, be kind to yourself. Perhaps more importantly, be infinitely patient with yourself. This cannot be stressed too much. To get on the other side of grief, you’re going to have to be patient with yourself.

Patience and How Other People Respond to Grief

Another thing, don’t let anyone tell you how you should be responding to what you are dealing with. It may not seem like it. But change, loss and trauma are major scares for people. Because of this, some people might try to push you through grief.

Others may work hard to get you to disassociate or repress. Why? Seeing changes in you may remind them of a trauma or unwanted event. Therefore, it may bring them comfort to see you unchanged. But that’s not how you get on the other side of grief.

Instead of repressing or disassociating, to get on the other side of grief, accept what is. This is important. As you move through grief, you may experience instances when life in this world feels surreal. That’s not all. There may be instances when you experience forgetfulness. You might even think that the person you’re grieving is still here.

Advice to Get on the Other Side of Grief

There’s no one step that fits every grief situation. But these steps can help you to start the healing process:

  • Understand that you won’t always feel this great loss
  • You can get on the other side of grief even if you think you’ll always feel crushed by the experience
  • Seek the support of others.
  • Commit to visiting family and friends (even when you feel flat)
  • Let good friends help and loving relatives come over and sit with you
  • Stay clear of judging yourself or others
  • Avoid setting expectations for how you think others should respond to you while you’re grieving. Believe it or not, they are dealing with the change too.
  • Join a grief discussion group. For example, you could join a private online grief support group. Make sure the group is moderated and professionally managed. As with other things, avoid giving out private details online or offline.
  • Attend counseling sessions with a licensed, experienced counselor as needed

More Ways to Get on the Other Side of Grief

Did I already say – be infinitely patient with yourself? You may go through more forward and backward steps than you can count before you get on the other side of grief (however, the change you’ve experienced may leave you permanently different). You’ll definitely learn about self-patience. While you’re being patient with yourself, also:

  • Write your loved one a letter for as long as you feel you need to. For example, you could write a loved one every day then once a week then once a month for as long as you find it beneficial.
  • Look at your loved one’s picture. Cry if you want to.
  • No repressing – It doesn’t make you a heroine; repressing just prolongs the pain.
  • Do something that you enjoy every day
  • Meditate
  • Get outdoors (sit on the porch, go for a walk or bike ride, etc.)
  • Listen to music that you love
  • Tell yourself that everything is open to change. You’re not stuck.

Also, try new things. When my mom transitioned when I was only seven years old, I didn’t know what “death” was. Today, I don’t believe in death because I know that we’re not bodies. Anyhow, back then, I thought that my mom had chosen something else over me and my siblings.

You Can Get on the Other Side of Grief

It was tough wrapping my head around this thing that people call “death” when I was just a kid. Years would pass before I realized that I associated change with my mom passing (or leaving).

I didn’t think that anything could be as hard as dealing with my mom transitioning. I was wrong. Between my mom’s transition and my paternal grandmother’s transition, I’d experience many other people leaving their bodies.

But, when my grandmother had a stroke (which came four years before she transitioned), I thought that it would take me out. You see, my paternal grandmother was like a mom to me. I’d grown up with her love. Fast forward a few years and my father was preparing to transition. You couldn’t have made me believe that his transition wouldn’t end my physical experience.

When my dad transitioned, inner advice came through, directing me to see people being “born” and “dying” as if people are coming in and out of an airport. People don’t cease to exist just because I can’t see them. Nor do they cease to exist because I miss them. I received similar inner guidance via a dream several years later.

Dealing with Deep Grief

As tough as my dad’s transition was, I got on the other side of grief again. But nothing prepared me for my son’s transition. Thank the Creator, my inner Self went to work, putting healing practices in place immediately. It was as if something unseen was guiding me.

I joined an online grief support group, sought professional counseling and started writing my son letters (which I still do to this day). Fortunately, my family didn’t busy themselves telling me how to grieve. It took two years to feel like I could stand up.

In between, I went to work, started writing on a novel, kept introducing readers to my books Long Walk Up, Portia, Love Pour Over Me, Spiral and Love Has Many Faces. I also went to the theater and went out to eat. But I’ll never be the same and I know it. Grief can change you. But you can open up to a new way of perceiving if you keep going and get on the other side of grief. Am I ever rooting for you!

Help Lines

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ – National Suicide Hotline

https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help – Mental Health.Gov

7 Blessings You Should Start Receiving

By Fiction Author Denise Turney

7 blessings with apple tree blossoms picture
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by George Chernilevsky

Here are 7 blessings you should never talk yourself out of receiving. Opening up to these blessings, deep gifts, can shield you from burnout and pessimism. This goodness offers hope, motivation and inspiration, holding out a light.

Turn Regrets into Inspiration

First, you must be willing to receive these 7 blessings. After all, just because you desire goodness, doesn’t mean that you are ready to receive it. For instance, how often have you talked yourself out of doing what you know, what you absolutely know, you should do?

So, before you consider these gifts, check out the following top regrets people have before they exit their bodies. See if they surprise you:

  • The first thing that people in hospice share that they regret is holding their true feelings back
  • People also regret falling out of touch with family and friends
  • Caring too much what others think makes the list
  • Worrying is another regret to let go
  • Taking life for granted
  • Living in the past or the future, and not living in the present
  • Not living their “true” life

7 Blessings to Never Talk Yourself Out of Receiving

Sound familiar? Fortunately, it’s not too late to shift. In fact, there’s still time to turn regrets into inspiration. Start doing what you love, what causes you to feel joy. Free yourself of the belief that being “busy” means you’re fulfilled. Choose to slow down, enjoy life and be happy. And stop talking yourself out of these 7 blessings:

  • Go after what you really want. Take off the brakes. Launch that business, career, relationship, hobby, travel excursion, creative endeavor, etc. that you really want to sink your teeth into. This isn’t about being delusional or chasing clouds that will never have rain. It’s about doing the thing that’s rooted in love, the very thing you’ve wanted to do for months, perhaps years, but kept talking yourself out of.
  • Say “I Love You”. Let the desire to express your love for a friend or relative override your desire to play it safe and hide how you feel.
  • Start your day with motivational quotes and success statements. It may take a few days, but you can turn positive motivational quotes into a rewarding daily habit. Try standing in front of a mirror and speaking success quotes out loud. See how it makes you feel.

Let Yourself Receive More of These 7 Blessings

  • Visit exotic, faraway places. Instead of talking yourself out of that international or cross-country trip that you’ve dreamed about, start saving for the trip.
  • Exercise and eat to be healthy. Regardless of your weight, you can start working to be healthy. If you need weight loss motivation or the drive to get moving and exercise, consider what it would feel like to have the flu every day for the rest of your physical experience. Some diseases feel that badly. Let yourself see the contrast. Love yourself and choose good health habits.
  • Spend time with family and friends. These are people who you might think will always be there, so you don’t believe you really need to keep in touch with them. If this were only true. People enter and exit this world quicker than we expect. So, treat yourself to the company of friends and family.
  • Love yourself. This is a huge lesson that Raymond Clarke has to learn in Love Pour Over Me. It takes him decades, so many close calls. Hopefully, your path to self-love is much easier. You might find Raymond’s journey inspiring and motivating.

Finding the motivation to live your true, best life starts with Number 7. You really do need to love yourself. And, in order to love yourself, you have to get to know the real YOU. As you pursue this journey, be patient.

Daily Motivation Tips

Here are other tips that could do more than offer you inspiration and motivation, shielding you from a life filled with regret. These tips could help you to love yourself to the point where you stop talking yourself out of receiving love, what you really want to do and out of living your own true life.

For starters, do at least three things that you love each day. For example, you could relish in a warm bubble bath, read an engaging novel or treat yourself to an outdoor walk or bike ride. Also, connect with a relative or friend once a week, preferably in person.

And get enough sleep at night. Drink plenty of fresh water and eat a healthy diet of leafy greens, fruits and vegetables, whatever your body receives best. Journaling, singing and dancing are other daily motivation activities. And, of course, if you love being creative – definitely engage in at least one creative activity a day.

It takes a healthy dose of inner love to stop talking yourself out of these 7 blessings. Today, give yourself that gift. As it did for Raymond in Love Pour Over Me, doing so might not only change your life for the better. It might change the lives of those around you.

Resources

  1. What Do People Regret The Most Before They Die? (lifehack.org)

What Is It About Portia, An Inspiring, Progressive Teacher’s Daughter

By African American Books Author Denise Turney

portia math teachers board work
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Daniel

Portia is another example of how much a daughter needs her mother’s love, especially during life’s crossroads. Portia’s mother is a teacher, a career where leaders inspire. But she doesn’t just teach, she implements progressive ideas at home and at school, opening her family and students to greater goodness.

Portia – Memories of a Great Inspiring Teacher

When I look back over my childhood and consider adults who I admired, people who I wanted to be pleased with me, my third-grade teacher definitely comes to mind. My third-grade schoolteacher was caring, thoughtful, smart and sharp.

She really cared about the students she taught. After my mother passed, there were times when I wished that my third-grade schoolteacher was my substitute mom.

My third-grade teacher was an inspiring, progressive woman, not unlike Portia’s mother. Just being around my third-grade teacher made me believe that amazing possibilities were open for me as a woman, and this at a time when women were perceived to be weaker than men.

Portia’s Mother, Inspiring Progressive Teacher

Portia’s mother is a prominent Chicago schoolteacher. Her husband was active in the civil rights movement, working the frontlines to improve communities and the country. Her students trust her so much that they seek her out for guidance and support.

“Try harder,” Portia’s mother encourages her students, inspiring them to reach beyond the break, to do more than they believe they can do. “Deep down, you know you can do amazingly good, awesome deeds,” she’d tell her students, further inspiring them.

“If people tell you that you can’t do something, remember that they are only telling you what they think they can or can’t achieve,” she’d continue. “And I know you. Because I know you, I believe in you.” After a pause, Portia’s mother would tell her students, “I know that you can do any good thing.”

Teachers Are Inspirational Mothers

In those and other ways, she was so much like my third-grade teacher, always looking out for a child who wasn’t her own. That could be why some teachers are inspirational mothers. During the hardest experiences, times like the challenging COVID-19, teachers find a way.

It’s why, even after teaching in a classroom all day, Portia’s mother always has the energy to cover Portia and her siblings with love and care. Her work and her loving partnership with her husband allow Portia and her siblings to grow up in a courageous, happy family, a family that is an anchor in the community.

Portia grew up on Chicago’s South Side at a time when, around the United States, family was a stronger bond than a legal contract. Families looked out for each other. It’s part of the reason why Portia’s mother was such a fierce, loyal and loving mother.

Loving Roots Inspire

As a child, Portia doesn’t know how important her mother’s care will be to her future. It is her mother’s love that helps to give Portia the strength to keep going when she faces one of her life’s toughest challenges – breast cancer.

It’s this loving root that won’t let Portia’s story be depressing, even while it examines the challenges that she faces as she deals with breast cancer. Just as Portia’s mother’s students do, readers turn to the story to be inspired, encouraged and empowered. Read more about Portia in the self-titled book below.

Road To Success: Could You Be Missing Something?

By Books Writer Denise Turney

road to success with trees and a hill
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Dfrg.msc

The road to success is paved with massive change. It could be why you might be delaying getting on the road, working to convince yourself that you’re satisfied with the routines, sometimes absolute ruts, that you find yourself in.

In fact, if you’re like me, as much as you may hate routine, it’s routine that helps you to feel like you’re in control. Fact is, it feels safe (cozy) to think that you’ve got all the bases covered, like you have all the hatches secured so that nothing can jump out at you and scare you.

Remove Success Blocks

It’s safe to think that you have examined every aspect of an experience you find yourself in. But what if you’re overlooking – simply missing – one of the biggest, most impactful components?

What if you’re not seeing something despite how long or how intently you’ve been searching? What if you’re missing a critical component because you simply don’t want to see it?

That single decision could set you back. So, how do you recognize and remove blind spots and deal with the unwillingness to accept what is? Here are a few tips that have worked for me. See how your thought system responds to these short, quick tactics and strategies. Then, consider opening to creativity and imagination so, you’ll feel sparks of inspiration as you get and stay on your life’s road to success.

  • Put it to paper:  For example, you could write a letter to the person who you wronged, sharing your feelings about each action that you took, the very actions that led you to regret and the heaviness of guilt.
  • Keep going. Revisit each guilt anchor until you no longer feel bound to past mistakes. Stay open. You might be prompted to call or visit the person who you wronged and ask for his forgiveness face-to-face. But consider starting out writing letters that you don’t mail. After all, you could have a guilty conscience. In other words, you may not have wronged anyone but only think that you did.
  • Sharpen your imagination. Take 5 to 7 minutes a day to visualize yourself doing and enjoying what you want. See yourself doing and having what you want as if you are having the experience right now. To do this, add colors, sounds, scents and emotions to these imaginings.
  • Try something new every day. For example, you could eat a different lunch, travel a different route to or from work, volunteer with a different charity or shower in the morning instead of taking a bubble bath at night.

More Steps To Remove Success Blocks

  • Read books that impress how easy it is to receive miracles. These books may focus on the power of your imagination, your emotional guidance system or the power of your subconscious mind.
  • Accept cues. Allow yourself to accept inner messages that tell you that you’ll soon receive what you want.
  • Trust your One True Self. Therefore, you’ll listen to inner guidance and inner promptings and take actions that your One True Self guides you to take.
  • Stay clear. Instead of giving meaning to experiences that you have, stay clear. After all, you may not really know why events occur. Stay focused and keep going.
  • Get outside In nature. In fact, there may be few better ways to get in balance.
  • Meditate. In other words, practice stilling your mind.
  • Drink plenty of water. Drinking water is a great way to flush your physical system.
  • Eat a healthy natural diet. Of course, all is connected. Therefore, building and maintaining a healthy body can have a positive impact on other areas of your experience.
  • Accept what is. In other words, accept experiences as they occur. Don’t tell yourself that you aren’t experiencing what you are. For example, don’t tell yourself that you’re not being abused if your partner pushes and curses you. Don’t tell yourself that you didn’t do well to dig out of debt after you pay off $10,000 of debt.
  • Journal. Capture your experiences. Watch how they change. This could encourage you to avoid creating blind spots or refusing to see what’s right in front of you.
  • Freestyle write. This exercise could help you to catch thought patterns and routines that might be holding you back.

Pursue Road to Success Dreams for a Lifetime

By refusing to look at what you don’t want to deal with, you can set yourself up for unexpected delays, which is why this may be the perfect time to take another look at your life. Look at your thought patterns, imaginings, fears, guilt anchors and decisions.

As with other challenges, it may help to start small. Also, be open to change. Trust your higher Self. Be willing to incorporate a new thought into your mental system. Catch yourself when you’re tempted to erupt in anger when changes occur (e.g. you drive into traffic jams, you get lost, unexpected weather storms abruptly change your plans).

Also, see and actually feel yourself doing what it is you’re passionate about. Give yourself room to make mistakes. Remember, the road to success is rarely straight. Instead, the road to success is built with twists, turns, valleys and peaks. Even more, the success road is joyous and exciting because it’s filled with surprises.

Resources:

(8) 10 Steps to Achieving Success in Life | LinkedIn

Important Online Dating Road Rules

By Denise Turney

online dating couple meet in person holding hands
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Dtd1986

Online dating is exhilarating, not unlike meeting someone face-to-face. Desire, intrigue, imagination and untarnished expectations are at play. It’s a wonderful experience, but there are drawbacks.

Let love serve as your anchor, steering clear of delusions and unsafety. Enter virtual romance with your eyes wide-open. After all, romantic attraction can be addictive. In the world of romantic illusion, you get to rule. You get to make relationships (even if only in your head) turn out the way you want them to. Is this what makes online dating so appealing?

Curbing Risks

After all, online dating allows for ample creativity. For example, if you’re 4’11”, you could post on your profile that you are 5’7″ tall. Who would know?

You could misrepresent your age, career, educational background and past relationships. Of course, the people who you connect with using dating apps could lie to you too. But that happens with in-person dating as well.

Drawbacks aside, what if you really do want true love? To get there, forget making the relationship up in your imagination and then expecting anyone to live up to your inner script. Don’t do it. It’s just a great way to set yourself up to feel frustrated.

Easy Road Rules

Even more, to save yourself the emotional pain of getting played, follow road rules. Check out these online dating road rules that could save you heartache, not to mention hundreds or thousands of dollars.

  • Avoid sharing too much information online, including within your online dating profile.
  • Don’t use gifts to convince yourself that someone loves you. The person may appreciate the gifts. But that doesn’t mean that they love you.
  • Meet the person you’re dating online in person in a safe, public place. Meet in person early to avoid creating fantasies and illusions that could, over time, seriously cloud your judgment.
  • Really get to know the person before considering introducing her or him to your extended family, including your children.
  • Check statements and facts that people share via online dating apps. Search engines make it easy to check facts and backgrounds.

More Smart Online Dating Practices

Give yourself time to get to know someone you’re thinking about dating online. Don’t rush the relationship. That, by itself, could keep you from creating dangerous blind spots. While you’re letting the relationship develop:

  • Listen to feedback that relatives and friends share about the person you started dating.
  • Practice safe financial skills. Do not share your financial information, including bank accounts.
  • Don’t send dates money or ship products for them.
  • Get to know family members, friends and colleagues of the person who you’re dating online. This way, you can start to get other perceptions of the person. In turn, this may help prevent you from creating fantasies or illusions of the person you met online.

Keep In-Person Relationships Strong

While you celebrate a deepening relationship that started in the virtual world, continue to invest in face-to-face relationships. In fact:

  • Nurture and grow offline relationships with friends, relatives, colleagues and neighbors.
  • Live a rich life. Avoid isolating yourself.
  • Be honest with yourself and the person you’re dating online. Acknowledge what you see and hear. Having strong in-person relationships could keep you from denying facts and behaviors, including behaviors you don’t want to accept.
  • Don’t make excuses for your online date. Know when to let go, leaving the relationship.

Remember that your online date is not here to save you. Regardless of how online dating goes, you’re still responsible for navigating this world’s highs and lows, twists and turns.

Accept What You See

 A final thought – Who doesn’t want love, to join with and actually feel a part of love? Who doesn’t want to give and receive love in its purest forms? Love is beyond amazing. There really are no words to define or accurately describe it.

Love is too big to be defined or described. It encompasses everything real. And it flows, seemingly changing at whim. But that doesn’t mean that you should toss common sense to the wind and run off with every person who tells you that she loves you.

Right now, every person may not be ready to love, even if she shouts that she is ready. This applies with online dating and offline dating. Therefore, consider practicing a few online dating road rules while searching for a deeper relationship. After all, practicing online dating road rules could save you more than hurt feelings.

Fathers Need Love Too

By Books Writer Denise Turney

fathers love their sons family picture

Fathers need love too; despite the images they may create. Yes. Like loving mothers, they’re strong and resilient. Yet, they thrive under the light of appreciation and care.

Good fathers are the backbone of a strong family. In fact, the impact of loving, present, caring, responsible fathers may be immeasurable. It doesn’t matter how challenging life gets, good fathers offer their children patience, a listening ear, courage and guidance.

Honoring Good Fathers on Father’s Day and Beyond

For me, a good father also offers his children protection, an ongoing sense of security. My father was this type of man. Akin to many other fathers, my dad was also tough – at times, seemingly hard. But he was there whenever his kids, his sons and his daughters, needed him.

During my younger years, I wished that my father was softer, more emotional. But he never really got there, although he did soften in his older years. Yet, he shaped me in ways that I will forever be thankful for. Because of the impact he made, it was easy to appreciate him and to buy Father’s Day gifts for my dad.

He was easy to please as it regarded gifts. In fact, I don’t think that he expected much for Father’s Day. And this from a man who had single handedly raised five children. He didn’t wear ties. So, that was out as a Father’s Day gift choice. What my dad did appreciate was his children calling and spending time with him.

Great Father’s Day Gifts

Whether your father loves certain types of gifts or isn’t big on gifts at all, there are choices you can make to honor your dad this Father’s Day. Here are Father’s Day gift ideas that both you and your dad may appreciate, great ways for you to show your dad that you know fathers needs love to:

  • Tickets to your father’s favorite arts, entertainment or sports event. For example, you could get your dad tickets to a sports playoff, theatrical production or arts or jazz festival.
  • Vacation package to a cool, adventurous spot that your dad has long talked about visiting. Keep in mind, that it could be somewhere local or a place across the globe.
  • Lunch or dinner at your father’s favorite restaurant. If the weather is agreeable, dine outdoors.
  • Invite your father to your home. Once there, cook him a delicious home cooked brunch or dinner.
  • Purchase your dad his favorite cologne. Include a special card with a loving handwritten note with the Father’s Day gift.
  • After your Father’s Day meal, take your dad on a drive through the city or country. Set the radio to his favorite music and enjoy the ride.

Remember Fathers Need Love Too

Father’s Day was first celebrated in the United States in June 1910. More than 60 years would pass before Father’s Day was made official by President Richard Nixon in 1972.  But time sets no boundary on how mothers and children honor the good fathers in their lives.

This year, gift your father with the same treasure that you may have asked him for when you were a kid. Gift your father with quality time on Father’s Day. For instance, take your father on that fishing, hiking or road trip the two of you have been talking about for months.

Or perhaps your father and you love a good camping trip. Whatever you decide, consider setting aside enough time to enjoy being with your dad this Father’s Day. And yes. Spending time with your dad on Father’s Day may seem like a choice that you have forever to make. But that’s not the case. Don’t let the time slip by this year. Show and tell your father how much he means to you this year. And, if you’re a dad yourself – Happy Father’s Day.

Resources:

The Important Role of Dad | HuffPost Life

How Books Help You Heal

By Books Author Denise Turney

ocean shoreline, peaceful sun view to heal
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Michael Klajban

Books offer great entertainment. But they do more than that. Good books help you heal.

Have you ever had your guard up to the point where you didn’t notice that you were making mistakes with your life? When you’re this guarded, you may refuse to see your mistakes and open to change, to start to heal. As powerful as digging in your heels against change (including inner healing) may feel, it’s not the way to start living your best life.

Good Books Lower Resistance to Healing

You could talk with a friend, placing yourself in an environment where you feel safe enough to lower your guard and begin to heal. That certainly helps. But friends get busy. Despite their best intentions, there are instances when good-good friends face so many challenges of their own that it’s overwhelming for them to offer an open ear, especially if you’re resisting the very change that you most need to make right now to start the healing process.

This might surprise you. Yet, reading good books can lower your resistance to inner healing in unexpected ways. Highly crafted books are gentle in how they adjust perception and loosen erroneous beliefs. For example, powerful, complicated book characters grab your attention by spotlighting the character’s shortcomings and personal challenges.

Before you know it, you’re rooting for some book characters while wishing that other characters reap what they sow. Even if you’re usually alert, it may be weeks after you finish a novel before it dawns on you that one or more of a book’s major characters have strengths and areas for improvement that are similar yours.

Good Books Provide Clarity During Healing Process

Without realizing it, you can witness the effects of specific causes (e.g. anxiety, violence, poverty) on someone’s life while you read good books. But that’s not all. Another of the gentle ways that books help you to heal is how books gently let you see alternatives for choices that you’re facing.

This happened for me when I read comedian and actor, Bernie Mac’s book, Maybe You Never Cry Again. I can still visualize the scene where he wrote about the last odd job that he took to pay bills – the last job that he took before he went after what his heart called him to do — succeed at comedy. Thanks to what Bernie Mac shared in the book, I knew that I had to pull out the stopper and go after my novel writing full tilt boogie. Reading Maybe You Never Cry Again helped me to heal from the habit of putting off what I knew I must do.

The Ebony Tree by Maxine Thompson gently showed me the rewards of letting the past go, even old family history. Talk about moving into healing page-by-page. And, I still remember the first time that a woman who’d read Spiral told me that, after reading the book, she’d decided to forgive, a sure way to heal.

How Books Help You Heal

Although I didn’t write Spiral around the message of forgiveness, that reader’s feedback was beyond inspiring and encouraging. Think about all the good books you’ve read so far. How have those books changed your life? How have those books helped you to heal?

During my childhood, it was good books that helped me navigate challenging real life events. I got so much courage and positive energy and inspiration to heal from books like the Pippi Longstocking series, Ramona and Mildred Taylor’s Roll Of Thunder, Hear My Cry.

So, yes. Good books help you to drop your guard so that you can have more clarity around pivotal life decisions, the types of choices that are part of the healing process. Books do this by putting characters in situations that millions of people face. Because you’re not in the spotlight (the book’s major characters fill those roles), you can witness what’s going on without fear, without becoming defensive. And making the right choices is healing. It really is.

Enjoy What You Love About Good Books

I love the power of healing you can gain from reading good books.

Other gentle ways that good books help you to heal are by switching your focus off of perceived problems which, in turn, lowers stress. Also, good novels help you to heal by giving you something fun and engaging to do with your partner, family or friends.

After all, book clubs aren’t the only groups that can have fun reading and digging into good books together. You could even turn a good novel story into a play that you put on with family, friends or a local theater. Additionally, good books turn you away from work. They also give you a great option to replace being online for hours or surfing your phone all night.

So, here’s to good books! Hope you enjoy reading a good novel today as you continue the path of inner healing.