Monthly Archives: August 2022

How Escaping Self-Deception Could Build Self-Esteem

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By Books Author and Novel Writer Denise Turney

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It’s time to face how you’re lying to yourself so you can start to build self-esteem. Why? Self-deception and self-esteem work in pairs. Engage in either and you’ll trigger the other, blinding yourself to empowering facts. But why is self-deception tempting? Well, it can appear to keep unwanted thoughts and emotions at bay.

It can serve as a defense system, allowing you to protect erroneous thoughts, even obvious facts that you need to face to recognize your innate greatness. According to Merriam-Webster, self-deception is “the act or an instance of deceiving oneself or the state of being deceived by oneself especially concerning one’s true nature, feelings, etc.”

Do You Engage in Self-Deception?

Each person engages in self-deception at different levels. Unfortunately, self-deception is far too familiar, even when reality if self-evident. It started at a young age for me. Examples of self-deception included smiling when I didn’t feel like it and then convincing myself that I was satisfied.

One instance, in particular, stands out. It was during the second-grade. The class was going to the circus. I didn’t want to go, instead preferring to spend the weekday evening with my parents and siblings. Teachers continued to announce to the entire class that all but two students had turned in their signed permission slips so that they could go to the circus.

Finally, the teachers told the class that one of the two students wasn’t going to the circus because his family was going out of town. That’s all that I needed to hear. Right away, I knew that the teachers were making it clear that they were waiting for my signed permission slip.

Personal Self-Deception Example

After speaking with my parents, I decided to go to the circus. My parents said that it was my choice, but, as my dad said, it was a rare opportunity and I might actually enjoy being at the circus. So, I went. But, I didn’t enjoy the circus. If anything, I learned what I didn’t like. Even more, I learned how poorly I felt ignoring myself in order to give into someone else’s wishes. Yet, that wasn’t all that happened.

On top of going to an event that I didn’t want to be at, when I spotted two teachers observing me at the circus, I smiled and “pretended” to be enjoying myself. Does that experience ever stand out to me. Today, it remains one (if not the first) of the earliest instances when I practiced self-deception and my self-esteem took a hit.

Bitterness from that first instance of practicing self-deception was directed toward the school teachers. However, the majority of self-deception that I’ve engaged in since has been in effort to avoid facing facts. Thankfully, today I practice awareness, build self-esteem and focus on awakening to steer clear of self-deception. Payoff is huge. It’s a blessing to stop practicing self-deception and free up the energy to do what brings you joy.

Reasons to Continue Awakening to Boost Self-Esteem

You might practice self-deception for different reasons. Additionally, you might engage in self-deception in different ways. Check out these examples of self-deception:

  • Procrastinating may be one of the more popular ways to practice self-deception. If you’re in conflict (one part of you wants to do something that another part of you doesn’t want to do), you might delay taking action. At the same time, you might keep saying how much you want to do what you keep putting off doing.
  • Drinking or eating too much to avoid facing a fact of life. If you drink or eat to the point of not feeling “sharp” or “on point”, you could blame not doing your best on the fact that you drank or ate too much. Then again, after you start awakening, you’ll have to admit that you made all of the decisions that caused this loop. Telling yourself the truth could make it easier for you to trust yourself and build self-esteem.
  • Convincing yourself that you’re little, unintelligent, don’t have enough authority, etc. to enact the changes that you want to see in your life.
  • Believing that a marketing technique, financial investment or habit will pay off hugely, in spite of the fact that you’re not getting out of your efforts what you’re putting in. If you’ve ever had a pipe dream, you’re familiar with this form of self-deception. Because self-deception doesn’t yield the results that you want, it’s not a way to build self-esteem.

Why You Might Practice Self-Deception

Reasons that you might practice self-deception may, at the core, be rooted in the desire to feel valued (another self-esteem link). The reasons might also be rooted in the desire to feel in control. As an example, if you believe that people with less than six-figures in the bank don’t have as much value as people who have six-figures or more in the bank, you could convince yourself that overspending is not damaging your financial health.

In this case, you might think that living as if you’re financially wealthy means that you are in good financial health. Build self-esteem and start awakening and it becomes self evident that you’re sucker punching yourself.

And, just as your self-esteem might take a jab should you fall for a trick that another person pulls on you, avoiding self evident facts by lying to yourself (practicing self-deception) could also weaken your self-esteem. After all, it takes courage to face a fact of life. It takes courage to really look at and examine what’s happening right in front of you.

Fact of Life

To do this, you might have to separate what you want from what you see. Back to the circus example. I wanted the teachers to be content with me without my having to do something I didn’t want to do. That was my desire. What I appeared to see with the teachers’ repeated request for the signed permission slips was the exact opposite of what I wanted.

How to bridge this gap? I pretended to be happy that I was at the circus and practiced self-deception. That single decision taught me, even if only temporarily, that I couldn’t trust myself. For sure, that’s not the way to build self-esteem.

Awakening is a great way to help yourself avoid self-deception. Instead of lying to yourself or pretending that something is happening that actually isn’t, accept what you’re currently feeling. Accept what you’re thinking right now. Look at and acknowledge facts, including personal, financial, health-related and relationship facts.

Let Go to Boost Self-Esteem

You don’t have to hold onto an emotion or a thought. Also, you don’t have to stay in a relationship or a situation that you don’t want to be in. You have choices. This could empower you to help yourself by accepting facts and reality.

But, first you have to face the fact of life that you see happening. Gaining weight? Accept that fact. Not getting on the scale won’t change that fact. It might help you to practice self-deception, but it won’t change what’s happening. And, it won’t build self-esteem.

Losing money on marketing ads? Look at the analytics and face what the numbers are showing you. Keep in mind that seeing that something isn’t working doesn’t mean that you have to abandon a goal. Using the marketing ads example, instead of no longer selling a product or service, you could reduce the amount of money you invest in those ads or you could try another marketing technique.

Awakening to Goodness

Should your awakening allow you to look at what’s going on in one or more of your relationships, consider your options. Instead of ending a relationship, you could try a different communication technique. Or, you could engage in deep conversation with the other person, offering them the safety of honestly telling you what’s working for them in the relationship as well as what they’d like to see change about the relationship.

Also, accept that you did not create yourself. Thoughts cannot change what you were created as. At your core, you’re good. Remember that as you have new experiences. Be patient with yourself, even should you get scared and become tempted to engage in self-deception. Face facts. Acknowledge what you see. Admit that you know what you know. Above all, continue to awaken.

Could Journal Prompts Help Tell Your Story?

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By Novelist and Books Writer Denise Turney

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Several years ago, I started using journal prompts to do something that has opened up a world of advantage. It’s simple. What is it? As each year closed out, I began to sit down and reflect on previous decisions, actions and their results. Gone went the guesswork and assuming that performance in one or more areas of my life were better over the course of a year than they actually were.

Journal Prompts Gains

Here are just a few facts that surfaced as I continued to work with journal prompts:

  • Clearly saw how dietary choices were keeping me stuck at a weight that was 15 pounds over where I wanted to be
  • Spotted book marketing platforms that never did generate more than 1 to 2 book sales with each ad that I bought
  • Noticed periods when I’d gone several weeks without connecting with family and friends
  • Identified freelance writing work areas that demanded more and more of my time to the point that the time commitment lowered my pay-per-hour significantly

These were just a few facts that jumped out at me after I started using journal prompts. Keep reading to discover what I do today to get even more out of working with journal prompts and how journal prompts could help you.

Start Small as a Startup Journal Writer

If you’ve never worked with journal prompts, consider starting out by using a journal to write about your dreams. Although you could write down life goals in a journal, as it regards writing down your dreams in this instance, it’s dreams that surface during REM sleep that’s being referenced. A benefit associated with this habit is directly related to internal guidance.

Specifically, preconscious and subconscious thoughts and ideas surface during dreams that you have while you’re experiencing REM sleep. As you work with symbols from the dreams, you can gain insight into what you’re focusing on. For example, if you’re feeling frustrated that your startup business isn’t generating enough revenue to allow you to quit your day job, you might constantly think about ways that the startup could make more money only to see nothing change.

On top of nothing changing, you might not receive any ideas that help your startup. Instead, everything you do seems to take you in one circle after another. Even if you ask yourself a question like “what can I do to increase the startup’s revenues?” before you go to bed, your dreams might remain centered around caring for a farm that your grandparents own.

Pay Attention – Practice Awareness While Journaling

Pay attention and you could discover what another or, perhaps a deeper, part of you wants to do. Until you deal with your grandparents’ farm, your mind might not start focusing on finding ways to increase revenues at the startup. This is just one case where journaling could surface internal conflicts and help you to do the inner work to get unstuck.

Another action that you could take is to engage in daily journaling. It’s during daily journaling, that you can express experiences that generate strong emotions like excitement, peace, fear, hope, sorrow and contentment in you. And, just writing down conversations, deadlines and experiences, could help you to avoid feeling unheard, stuck and caught in a web of frustration.

In fact, some therapists encourage their clients to journal. Try it and see if you feel more open after you write down the details of what’s bothering you. Get in the habit of daily journaling and you could feel safer to honestly express yourself, whether you’re using journals or speaking with someone face-to-face.

Focal Journal Writing Areas

Here are focal areas that you could use as journal prompts:

  • Family relationships (how often you spend with family face-to-face, not virtually)
  • Personal relationships (different ways that you express appreciation to friends, your romantic partner)
  • Physical health (if your weight is within a healthy range, annual wellness assessment numbers, how often you do cardio each week)
  • Mental and emotional health (results of your efforts to get outdoors in nature 5 to 7 days a week, effectiveness of techniques to reduce the time and energy you spend worrying or trying to figure nearly everything out, how you’re doing with meditating and allowing your mind to rest)
  • Marketing goals (Use these journal prompts if you’re a freelancer or entrepreneur. Write down your marketing goals and the results of your all of your marketing efforts, this includes ads, SEO efforts, podcasts, videos and interviews.)
  • Finances (Separate personal and business budgets. Reference bank statements and other financial records so that you can get an honest look at what you’re taking in versus your expenditures.)

Be patient and take your time with these journal prompts. Do a thorough work and it could take you several days to complete these types of end-of-year journal prompts.

Working With Journals

When I started working with journal prompts, the rose-colored glasses came off. What I wrote disallowed me to defend poor decisions with rationalization.

Today, in addition to using journal prompts, I review journal prompt goals, focus, resources and outcomes. To get more out of this effort, I place end-of-year prompts, goals, focus areas and outcomes side-by-side. Each year that I’ve done this, one or more areas have surprised me. But, there it is – what I’ve done over 365 days – right in my face.

For instance, journal prompts have highlighted areas where outcomes exceeded expectations. Other areas showcased that, despite long hours, financial investment and belief, different results were coming up short, which brings up a good point.

If you’re like me, there may be instances when you just don’t want to face facts. You might not want to examine what’s really going on in your personal life, your business, with your physical health or with your thought patterns. Journaling, including daily journaling and working with journal prompts, could prove to be an easy way to lower your defenses and finally face important facts.

Why? You’re in control of your journaling practice. However, you’re encouraged to practice self-discipline. The more disciplined you are, the more could surface from within yourself as it regards relationships, finances, communication, health, life goals and so much more.

Get Bold – Learn to Speak Up for Yourself

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

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Change isn’t the only constant in this world. Having responsibilities is another constant. In fact, there may never come a time when you aren’t asked to do something. It could be as simple as a friend asking you to babysit, a colleague asking you to fill in for him while he’s on vacation or aging parents requesting that you spend more time with them. The only ways around this may be to isolate yourself or (this one requires courage) to speak up for yourself.

Isolate or Speak Up

For instance, you could build a cabin in a remote area. Should you truly love the great outdoors, this could prove to be a good choice. Of course, you’d have to hope that no one else moved into the area or contacted you virtually, requesting something of you.

But that choice could impact your life in unexpected, and, maybe even unwanted ways. It might also put you in a mode of running from experiences that you don’t want instead of making choices that take you into experiences that cause you to feel joy. And who wants to spend their life running?

Fortunately, there’s another option open to you when it comes to dealing with constant requests, things that pull on your time and shift your focus and energy. You could learn to speak up for yourself. Love Pour Over Me’s Raymond Clarke may know this best. After all, he learned this lesson an emotionally hard way.

Why It’s Hard to Speak Up for Yourself

Hopefully, you’ll listen to what life is telling you and not suffer before you learn to speak up for yourself. Just be ready to face challenges, especially internal fear. After all, it sounds easy enough – speaking up for yourself. This choice sounds simple and easy. Yet, it can be one of the hardest things that you face.

Why?

When you learn to speak up for yourself, you risk disappointing the very people who’ve been leaning on you. You might frustrate and anger people who have been relying on you to help them fulfill their responsibilities. People who once drew near you might avoid you, gossip about you and stop speaking with you. That, or they might try to talk you into doing what they want you to do again.

Getting Comfortable with Conflict

According to Psychology Today, you might find it difficult to speak up for yourself, telling people “no” when they ask you to do something for them for several reasons. For starters, you might not like conflict. This is an item that I am way too familiar with. Just don’t like conflict. Years ago, my dislike for conflict found me saying “yes” to almost any request.

Didn’t matter how exhausted I was. I said “yes” to people whose schedules weren’t as jammed as mine. Then, my life became simply overwhelming. That’s when I learned to speak up for myself. And, yes – some people were taken aback, as they’d grown accustomed to me adhering to their requests. Know what? Just like Raymond Clarke in Love Pour Over Me, I got accustomed to the change. In time, the requesters also become familiar with how I was now speaking up for myself.

Outcome? Gone was the feeling of constantly being overwhelmed. Another benefit was that my self-respect went way up. On top of that, I had time to do what brought me joy. More peace also came to me.

Why You Might Feel Afraid to Say “No”

Those benefits alone are enough to learn to speak up for yourself. However, in addition to not liking conflict, others reasons why you might not want to speak up and tell someone that you don’t want to do something are because you don’t want to upset the person or you might fear hurting the person’s feelings.

Here are more reason why you might fear speaking up. Do any of these resonate? Have you caught yourself wrestling with any of the below challenges:

  • Growing up, you watched a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc. “give in” and repeatedly do whatever was asked of her/him
  • Believing that everyone “gives in” to what’s asked of them
  • Telling yourself that the requests are “small” and “no big deal”
  • Thinking that speaking up for yourself won’t change anything – convincing yourself that even if you say “no”, people will continue to ask you to do favors for them
  • Fearing that if you tell someone “no”, they won’t be there for you should you need them to do something for you

You could do what I did and absolutely wear yourself out trying to be all things to dozens of people. Take that approach and people may tell you how “sweet” you are and how much they love working with you. Howbeit, you also might get little sleep, feel agitated, unappreciated and like your life is out of your hands (or out of your control).

How to Speak Up for Yourself

Check out these ways to learn to speak up for yourself. As a tip, try to incorporate one to two of these actions into your life and see how much better you feel.

  • Start small – Tell someone whether you want to take on a small project or not. Be honest. Love yourself regardless of how the person responds.
  • Ask the requester to give you a few hours or a few days to get back to them. During that time, consider your priorities, what you want to focus on and if you’re willing to take away from your “rest and relaxation” time.
  • Offer to accept responsibilities that connect with goals and dreams that you have.
  • Consider taking on tasks that sharpen your leadership skills.
  • Ask someone who’s done what you’ve been asked to do what the experience is like. In other words, get advice and insight before you respond.
  • Let the person know that you’ll do what they ask, but will need to revisit the request after a certain number of days, weeks or months. Keep the door open for change.

You Teach People How to Treat You

Speaking up for yourself is a sign of self-respect. When you consider that you teach people how to treat you, it may become clearer how speaking up for yourself is an act of self-love. Even more, as you share your honest thoughts, including whether or not your schedule permits you to take on more responsibilities, however small those responsibilities appear, you show others how to value their time.

Considering that someone is watching you and learning from how you interact with others, you could also be empowering another person. As an example, you could empower a child, niece, nephew or friend as they watch you speak up for yourself in loving, healthy ways. As your time starts to free up, you also might start to nurture better relationships.

Your well being could improve. Also, what you’ll likely discover is that you have to learn to speak up for yourself in your personal, social, spiritual and work environments. That includes speaking up for yourself at worship centers, while attending social events and during office meetings. It’s a rewarding habit to get into. Once you start speaking up for yourself in healthy, loving ways – keep it up!

Resources:

  1.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201601/why-is-it-hard-say-no-and-how-can-you-get-better-it#:~:text=Many%20of%20us%20are%20afraid,or%20a%20supervisor%20or%20boss.

Better Living Thru Constant Change – What’s Leading You?

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By Books Writer Denise Turney

photo of woman in orange long sleeved dress reflecting on life changes
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Thinking that “change is constant” is easier to consider than accept. Yet, it’s true. Constant change is part of this world. Further into this article, I touch on a path forward that you might find advantageous as you face change at the same time that you take actions to develop the life that you want.

What I share is part of a recent discovery. But, first, let me share some of my experiences dealing with change. See which parts resonate with you.

Resisting Change Using Patterns and Routines

When I was a kid, life was fluid. Back then, all I had to do was find creative ways to fill up my days with  fun. Then, my first major shift happened – school. Along came structure, patterns and routine. That shift caused me to perceive the world differently. Monday through Friday no longer seemed as fun, and this despite the fact that I performed well academically.

Over the years, more and more change has entered my life. On top of that, my beliefs, perceptions and aims have changed. Moving through the changes has been, at times, challenging. All in all, the longer that I’m in this world, the more I feel that constant change makes me feel as if I’m not in control of my life. Constant change also seems to make me feel as if I’ll end up anywhere, not where I want to be.

Getting What You Want Requires Constant Change

As an example, my desire and aim to earn a full income writing and selling novels has appeared to be offset by economic, family and other work shifts. Added book marketing tool algorithm changes has found me feeling even more like my dream has alluded me. My response to constant change has not always been advantageous.

In fact, there have been instances when adjusting to book marketing changes that I didn’t initiate has seen me start to believe that I’ll never achieve my dream of earning a full income writing and selling novels. If you have a long term goal that’s linked to your deepest passion and you’ve seen actions that you need to take to fulfill that goal shift due to external changes, you’re familiar with the impact that these types of change can have on your faith and confidence.

Facing Uncertainty Disguised as Change

Recently, as I was waking, it occurred to me that I’m being led. Key is to be led by love. What I did as I considered this was to revisit past experiences. For instance, I thought about times when I felt certain, safe, happy and encouraged. Then, I thought about beliefs that I’d heard other people share with me repeatedly.

You may have heard similar sayings, things like, “practice makes perfect,” “you can do anything you put your mind to,” “do what you love and the money will come” and “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” For me, these sayings were reinforced with sermons that I heard preached in church.

Because of my belief in these sayings, I expected to receive the experiences that I wanted with a snap of a finger. Oh, I was prepared to work hard. I’ve been a hard worker much of my physical experience. But I didn’t expect to experience the delays and frustrations that I’ve faced.

Yet, give up – I will not do.

Check Out These Examples of Overcoming Change

What I surfaced from these early morning musings was that outcomes depend on what’s leading me. If I’m led by fear, I’ll seek a “safe” or “comfortable” path to a goal. I’ll try to avoid constant change. That by itself could present more challenges and delays. An example could be my emailing a literary agent or bookstore owner instead of picking up the telephone and calling that person, all because I feel afraid to speak to someone I never met before (change) directly.

Or I might ship books to a representative scheduled to attend a large regional or international book festival simply because I feel apprehensive about attending the event in person. For sure, either way I’d be taking actions to introduce my books to potential book buyers and readers. However, if I’m led by fear of change, I could diminish the impact of my efforts.

Let Love Lead

If I’m led by love, I’ll trust and follow guidance, not needing to know the next step (not needing to see how every change is going to turn out). As an example, should I receive guidance to invite a bookstore buyer to lunch, I’ll telephone the person or stop by her bookstore and ask her to lunch. In another instance, I might be directed to write and publish a novel on a heady topic. Trusting in the love-rooted guidance that I receive, I’ll simply sit down and start writing the novel.

Following love-rooted guidance eliminates confusion and delays. It builds trust instead of fear when facing constant change. I’ve noticed this in my personal, social and workspaces. Simply taking direct action has paid off hugely.

Consider looking back at your prior experiences. Notice if you spot times when you were led by fear of change. Also, see if you spot instances when you were led by love. It’s the latter that will produce a good result. Howbeit, it’s also the latter that requires faith and courage which might be a reason why it’s been said that it’s impossible to live a good life absent faith.

Signs You’re Following Fear or Love

Furthermore, signs that you’re following (or being led by) fear of change include experiencing:

  • Anxious thoughts and feelings
  • Anger surfacing each time you think about the guidance
  • Disbelief that works its way into rationalizing over and over
  • Feeling safe or “protected” when you think about the fear-based guidance (which is often simply a way to avoid change)

On the other hand, signs that you’re being led by love include:

  • Sense of newness (as you’ll likely be led to new experiences)
  • Curiosity at what’s coming next
  • Feeling that your life is about to change for the better
  • Wonder at your ability to do what you’re being led to do (again – this could tie into the fact that you’re being led into a new experience)

You also might have a feeling of “overwhelm” should you choose to be led by love. Love knows what you really are. It knows what you’re capable of, so smallness (staying stuck in a life of little change) is not its thing. What you won’t have is boredom or the comfort of routine. Also, if it’s miracles that you want, you’re going to have to be led by love. It’s the path to great change, empowering newness and a very good life.

What’s leading you?