By African American Books Author Denise Turney

Keep lying to yourself and it’s going to be hard, if not impossible, for you to win. It’s also going to be hard for you to live a joyous life. But you may already know that. You might already know how critical it is that you stop lying to yourself. The trick is, simply knowing that may not stop you from telling yourself lies. So, how can you get free?

Why You Lie To Yourself

As unfortunate as it is, there are reasons why you might lie to yourself. Top of the list of reasons has to do with the fact that you may not like what you see evolving in your life. That or you might not like what you see right in front of you. For example, you might not like the fact that your clothes are fitting tighter, that you get out of breath after walking just one flight of stairs or that you’ve been quick tempered with your friends.

In that case, you could lie to yourself and tell yourself that you aren’t gaining weight, are as fit as you’ve always been and are the nicest, most patient person you know. Additionally, you might lie to yourself because you don’t want to deal with a situation or because you don’t want to make a decision.

If you believe that you suffered from the last few decisions that you made, you might lie to yourself and tell yourself that all is well just to avoid having to make a decision. Early childhood trauma could also turn you off to change. This happened with me after my mom transitioned. Little did I know how much I associated change with my mother transitioning, as if she had to transition each time I was faced with a major change.

Stop Lying to Yourself and Let Truth Surface

It was during parts work that this was revealed to me. Am I ever glad that this practice entered my conscious awareness. During other blog articles right here at Chistell.com, I go into parts work and how associating change with my mom’s transitioning had affecting me for decades and in ways that I had no clue about.

This leads to another point. Not only can you lie to yourself, you can lie to yourself and not even know that you’re lying to yourself. However, if you practice awareness, you’ll eventually know that something is off.

For instance, you might feel like you’re moving in circles or you might feel like, despite your best efforts, you’re not moving forward. So, let’s explore lying to yourself further. It’s so worth it, especially if it helps you to pump the brakes and stop lying to yourself.

Are Your Practicing Cognitive Dissonance?

At its core, a psychological term known as “cognitive dissonance” is behind the reason why we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves untruths,” shared Mental Help.¹ Tricky as it may sound, there are internal clues that alert us to the fact that we are out of alignment.

Here’s what Mental Help says, “When we experience cognitive dissonance, we feel an uncomfortable tension between who we believe we are and how we are behaving.” The theory for cognitive dissonance was made by Leon Festinger. The theory suggests that, “we have an inner drive to hold all our attitudes and beliefs in harmony and avoid disharmony (or dissonance).”

Here’s another example that may put better light on cognitive dissonance. “Cognitive dissonance explains many of our everyday actions. The person who steals from his employer but tells himself that he is underpaid and deserves the extra is twisting the interpretation of his behavior in order to still feel he is okay as a human being is another good example.”¹

Exploring Why You Lie To Yourself

Other reasons why you might lie to yourself could be because you feel special or over confident. In other words, you might feel as if you’re better than you actually are at a task. That, or you might feel like you deserve to get whatever it is that you want. In this event, you could lie to yourself and tell yourself that something wrong you did isn’t really wrong.

Let someone else do the very same thing and you’d easily see the behavior as wrong. Regarding over confidence, Psychology Today shares that, “Unrealistic optimism can have significant health consequences. Psychologist Loren Nordgren (2009) found that among a group of people trying to quit smoking, the ones who gave especially high ratings to their own willpower were most likely to fail.”²

Denial is another strong reason why you might lie to yourself. This was briefly covered earlier in this article. When it comes to denial, you lie to yourself because there’s something that you do not want to face. Yet, if you don’t face it, the situation may likely never change for the better.

Stopping The Art Of Denial

To put it another way, Psychology Today says, “Denial is a psychological defense we all use against external realities to create a false sense of security. Denial can be a protective defense in the face of unbearable news (e.g., cancer diagnosis). In denial, people say to themselves, “This is not happening.” For instance, alcoholics insist they have no drinking problem.”

Those are some reasons why you may lie to yourself. Now, how can you stop lying to yourself?

For starters, practice awareness. Actually become aware of what you are thinking, feeling and doing. It’s not about judgment. Your value and worth will never change, because of what created you. While practicing awareness, be completely honest.

Again, your value and your worth are beyond words. You are worth more than you can ever imagine. That won’t change. However, if you want to live a joyous life, you have to become aware of what you’re doing, thinking and feeling and take ownership of your life.

Now Is Always The Time To Be Honest

Honesty is a part of this. At the end of each day, do a review of the day. Could take as little as two minutes. Reflect on what you did, how you felt and how you treated yourself and others. Acknowledge ways that you could have been a better communicator, active listener, leader or supporter, etc.

Start your morning with routines that strengthen honesty, trust and appreciation within you. As an example, you could start your morning with a word of “Thanks” and speak out loud three to five facts about your life or experiences that you appreciate. Also, be honest and talk with a trustworthy friend about experiences you don’t like.

Keeping a journal or spreadsheet that details your dreams, concerns, successes and desires are other ways to become aware of what’s going on inside your mind. Continue to practice awareness and see if you don’t start to make better decisions and experience a more fulfilling life, see if you don’t gain courage and stop lying to yourself.

Resources:

1. hhttps://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/why-we-lie-to-ourselves/#:~:text=A%20Psychological%20term%20known%20as,and%20how%20we%20are%20behaving.&text=She%20held%20a%20belief%20that%20good%20people%20do%20not%20have%20affairs.
2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-choice/201708/the-many-ways-we-lie-ourselves