Monthly Archives: July 2022

Peace Doesn’t Have to Be Hard: Quick Stress Reducers

Posted on by

By Books Author Denise Turney

woman open arms while closed eyes and smiling in peace picture
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Peace, even in a busy, confusing world, does not have to be hard. Understanding why you’re stressed is key to living in peace. So too is using quick stress reducers, easy techniques that work.

But first, why are you stressed? Reasons why you could feel stress are wide. In addition, the reason you could be feeling stress might be temporary or long-term. Topping some of the long-term stressors are unchallenging jobs, lengthy commutes, abusive relationships, money problems and chronic health issues.

Stress Causes

Two of these four reasons are way too familiar. Years ago, I worked a corporate job that saw me driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 35 miles a day. Total daily drive to and from work was 70 miles. It was a grueling commute, often finding me wondering why I kept making the trip.

It would be an understatement to say that the drive was stressful. Can still see myself hurrying my son through breakfast, then racing down the front sidewalk to the car. After I dropped my son off at preschool, I jumped back in my car and sped the rest of the way to work. To top it off, nearly half an hour passed after I got settled into work before I calmed. Did I ever need quick stress reducers.

Another stressor that I was familiar with has to do with money. Fortunately, that stressor is gone. But, there were years when I didn’t have $5 to spare. Despite an aim to think positively and consider blessings, living on a tight budget was a stress generator.

How Stress Effects the Brain

For you, there may be different stress generators. An argument with your spouse or partner could send you spiraling into stress for hours. On top of that, you might stay in an angry mood for days. Let arguing and fighting become a “normal” part of your relationship, and your relationship itself could become a major cause of stress for you.

Your chances to live a happy, peaceful and balanced life depend on how much stress you experience. This is a fact, in part, because of the effects that stress has on the brain. Very Well Mind shares that, “Stress can have negative effects on the body and the brain. Research has found that stress can produce a wide range of negative effects on the brain ranging from contributing to mental illness to actually shrinking the volume of the brain.”1

These effects may not occur until you’ve been experiencing chronic stress. And, again, that chronic stress could be caused due to a range of triggers. Job responsibilities, home repairs, social responsibilities and family obligations are other factors that could lead to stress. Let there be several or many different stressors and you could find yourself in a cycle of chronic stress.

Harmful Stress Effects

Back to the effects of stress on the brain, research has shown that chronic stress “creates more myelin-producing cells, but few neurons than normal.”1 Myelin-producing cells are related to communication. More specifically, stress can impact the brain’s white matter. It’s white matter than plays a role in how different parts of the brain communicate with each other.

four rock formation
Photo by nicollazzi xiong on Pexels.com

Stress has also been shown to destroy brain cells and might actually cause the brain to shrink. Additionally, stress can cause you to be more forgetful. Depression is another condition that has been linked to stress.

However, what you might not consider is how everyday stress can set you up to be weak or overly vulnerable should a traumatic event occur. As an example, if you’re juggling a marriage, raising children, a full-time job and are active at your worship center, you might enter a state of overwhelm should someone close to you transition.

Slight Daily Routine Shifts as Quick Stress Reducers

This is a major reason why it’s good to add quick stress reducers to your daily routine. Start small and build your way to incorporating more quick stress reducers into your life.

To begin, set aside one minute in the morning and another minute at night before you go to bed to just sit still. That’s it. Simply sit still for a minute after you wake in the morning. Then, sit still again one whole minute before you go to bed at night. Let this simple technique work. Just do it.

Quick Stress Reducers

Start to train your mind to relax. Another way to look at it is that you’re training your brain to rest. Doing so could see you looking for more ways to let go of stress. Following are more quick stress reducers that you could make part of your days:

  • Breathe deeply 10 times – Simply stop once or twice a day and take 10 deep breaths. There are deep breathing timers that you could use online. Some timers are designed to allow for as little as 30 seconds of deep breathing.
  • Walk in nature – Actually walking around a mall, your neighborhood or a local park can do wonders.
  • Write down what you’re concerned about – Rather than holding a worry in, write about it in a journal or diary.
  • Delegate – Instead of thinking that you’re responsible for doing all the work around your house, etc. start to delegate tasks to other family members, work partners, etc.
  • Watch a funny money – Oh! The wonders of laughter. Open up to more laughter.
  • Eat a healthy diet – Food and beverages impact the brain. Drink lots of fresh water and eat a healthy, balanced diet.
  • Exercise – Three or more times a week, get in at least 40 minutes of exercise.

Living With Less Stress

Although stress doesn’t feel good, you could become addicted to the way that you feel when you’re stressed. For instance, you might like the way that your body feels when it’s jacked up on adrenalin. Or you might like feeling drowsy as your brain works to deal with chronic stress.

Yet, if you give yourself the opportunity to let stress go, you might come to love how you feel when you’re relaxed and at peace. You also might love how you feel when your thoughts are clear and your memory is strong. Even more, don’t be surprised if you appreciate how your relationships improve and deepen as you live with less stress.

Also, should you have to face a trauma, living with less stress may equip you to deal with the unexpected event better than you would if you had to deal with chronic stress and the trauma. Therefore, consider being kind to yourself. Consider adjusting your schedule to allow room for quick stress reducers to become part of your daily routine.

Resources:

  1. https://www.verywellmind.com/surprising-ways-that-stress-affects-your-brain-2795040

Happiness Is a Choice: Shortcuts to Happiness

Posted on by

By Books Author Denise Turney

body of water surrounded by trees peaceful
Photo by Buwaneka Boralessa on Pexels.com

I remember the first time that I heard someone say, happiness is a choice. It was during an Off The Shelf Book podcast interview that I was hosting. The guest had been through several challenges, including a divorce, cancer and a major job change. Yet here she was telling the audience that “happiness is a choice.”

Happiness Is a Choice

Certainly, I appreciated what the guest shared. Learning is a key takeaway that I’ve longed gained from being the host of Off The Shelf Books podcast. Still, her words stung. Talk about struggling to accept that, during life’s hard experiences, it’s possible to choose to be happy.

The concept, the very idea, is worth exploring. Regardless of what’s going on in your life, you can actually choose to be happy. Another factor to consider is that happiness is different to different people. Furthermore, happiness may seemingly change in meaning as you age, gain new experiences and alter your life goals.

For example, as a pre-teen, for you the pursuit of happiness could find you praying for a new bike, playing with friends, visiting fun relatives and catching your favorite movies at the drive-in. Fast forward several years, and the pursuit of happiness could see you trying to get someone to notice you enough to ask you out on a date.

Pathways to Happiness

Or, you could be engaging in a sport in high school, launching your career or traveling abroad. By the time you reach my age, the pursuit of happiness could involve spending more time with a passion, building deeper family connections, keeping in touch with friends despite the miles between you and treasuring simple things like a walk thru nature.

Although you might not have thought about it before, pathways to happiness change. Setbacks, disappointments and challenges can definitely change pathways to happiness. And, if you live in this world long enough, you’ll face challenges.

Dreams that you had might not evolve the way that you wanted them to. On the other hand, your dreams could exceed your highest expectations for several years only to come to an abrupt halt. Despite these shifts, to reach the core of joy and peace, you’ll have to keep going. This is when you might discover that happiness is an “energy”.

Pursuit of Happiness

Go too long without feeling happy and you might start to feel tired, even drained. This is a reason why you might want to create daily routines that support your efforts to be happy. And remember – it’s all your choice.

Check out these actions that you could take to be happy. See if any of them resonant. If not, explore the list and come up with smart actions that you can design yourself (for yourself). The point is to tap into what works for you.

  • This first one is an easy to-do. Let’s say you’re feeling down, heavy on the inside. Forget how many times you’ve heard this so that it can have impact. Then, simply count your blessings. In fact, consider making counting your blessings a part of your daily routine.
  • Wake with a word of thanksgiving. Actually speak out loud an experience, relationship, etc. that you appreciate and are thankful for.
  • Get outside in nature and have fun. Go for a walk or bike ride – just get outside.
  • Connect with friends at least once a week.
  • Spend time with relatives who you trust and know love you.
  • Treat yourself to a meal at your favorite restaurant. You could do this even if you dined alone and actually enjoy yourself.
  • Enjoy entertainment that aligns with your values and passions. For example, you could enjoy a free jazz concert at a local, outdoor park. Or you could go to the theater, a sporting event or to an art gallery.
  • Continue to learn – never stop learning.
  • Focus on what you like in your life instead of always focusing on what you don’t like.
  • Meditate.
  • Carve out several minutes a day to invest in happy thoughts. This one goes with focusing on what you like in your life.
  • Remember that happiness is a choice and that this is your life. It may take discipline and awareness, but you can make something amazing and incredibly beautiful of your life here.

Keep Learning

To repeat, keep learning. Contrast is a learning tool in this world. When you remember that the aim is joy and peace, you may spot situations and choices that are not in your best interests early. Additionally, you might leave abusive relationships as soon as you spot signs of harm.

It’s not that you or the person you’re in a relationship with is “bad”. We’re all the Creator’s children. However, we’re not all at the same place in the journey. Some of us aren’t ready to only love right now. It’s just not our choice. Spot this in a person or spot someone who’s led by fear instead of love and it might be time to break free of that relationship.

Keeping joy, happiness and peace as your primary goals will impact your decisions. This is not to say that you’ll benefit from running from challenges. The world is full of challenges. Howbeit, when you choose happiness, you might set yourself up for more loving experiences. In this regard, choosing happiness is different from trying to be safe.

Live a Beautiful, Wonderful Life

It really is. Think about the times when you tried to be safe. Did you miss out on opportunities? Did you pass up on experiences that you now wish you had explored? Those are just a few results that “trying to be safe” can leave you with. You could actually start living a very routine, mundane life and miss out on so much that could add wonderful spark and good energy to your life.

The decision to be happy, on the other hand, can open you up to taking more smart risks, to trying new things. You might decide to date again, even if you don’t want to live with anyone. After all, you don’t have to live with someone to enjoy exploring a new, healthy and loving relationship.

As you remember that happiness is a choice, you might also switch jobs, move to a different town, sell your house or take a course in a field that’s interested you since you were a kid. Your world probably won’t get smaller. Instead, it will expand as you go further along the pathways to happiness.

Resources:

Off The Shelf Book Podcast – https://www.blogtalkradio.com/denise-turney-


Don’t Believe the Hustle Hype: Why You Might Want to Slow Down

Posted on by

By Books Author Denise Turney

letter slow down tiles on the white textile
Photo by Vie Studio on Pexels.com

If you’re like many people, you could be experiencing a lingering pull to switch gears and slow down. On the other hand, you might be conflicted. After all, you could have grown up believing the hustle hype, that working nonstop and juggling several tasks at once was the single way to step into a successful career or a deeply satisfying lifestyle. But, what if those work-work-work and juggle-tasks beliefs are wrong?

Is Hustle Hype Speeding Up the Pace of Your Life?

To explore this idea further, here are two questions. To begin, was there a time when you were encouraged to “multi-task”? Has someone pushed you to “forget sleep and get as much done as fast as possible?” If this has happened to you, there likely were rewards associated with these life choices.

Among those rewards are: when you multi-task, you get a lot more done in less time; people who sleep less and work longer hours are more successful and working fast and hard is the path to fulfillment. Welcome to the hustle culture. Let someone who you think is successful espouse these ideas and you might immediately accept that living fast, nearly absent brakes, is your best option if you want to realize your dreams.

I wasn’t introduced to those concepts until I was in my 30s. Back then, I was working for a major, global firm. A senior business leader told me that I had to “learn how to multi-task.” Because I aligned this person’s corporate title with wisdom and “knowing what’s best”, I put my head down and focused on multi-tasking.

Multi-Tasking Facts

An outcome of this effort was that my work hours got longer. Soon, I was telling myself that I didn’t have time to stop working long enough to go to the bathroom, let alone lunch. “Multi-task, multi-task,” I kept hearing. And, again, the benefit was that multi-tasking was the best way to get more work done. This, in turn, could lead to promotions, salary increases and multi-taskers generating more product and service sales should they be entrepreneurs.

Years later, was I ever surprised to hear that multi-tasking is actually not possible for many people. The brain often cannot focus on two activities with clarity at the same time. Cleveland Clinic shares that, “We’re really wired to be monotaskers, meaning that our brains can only focus on one task at a time.” Neurologist Cynthia Kabu went on to share in the Cleveland Clinic article that, “When we think we’re multitasking, most often we aren’t really doing two things at once, but instead, we’re doing individual actions in rapid succession, or task-switching.”1

Yet, that’s not all. Not only can your brain often not multi-task, your brain might also make mistakes as you switch from opposite types of tasks. In particular, this could happen while you’re trying to multi-task while working on complex projects.

Slow Down to Explore New Ways of Living

Even if you’re introduction to multi-tasking and working tirelessly is familiar to mine, you might benefit from exploring different ways of approaching work. Because your work practices might overflow into your personal life, your personal relationships might gain if you switch gears, let go of the hustle hype and slow down.

Fortunately, the past few years have created situations that have forced many to look at their life, including their work life, differently. Gone for many, perhaps even you, are the days when you’ll convince yourself that you have no options for how to work. COVID19 also demonstrated how effective people can work from home or from another remote location.

Challenges, especially for working mothers, of juggling and multi-tasking job responsibilities, relationships and children were spotlighted. End result was millions of women existing the workforce. If there ever was a push to “slow down”, that was one of those pushes.

Benefits of Tapping Out of Hustle Hype to Slow Down

Hence, one of the leading reasons to slow down is to live in balance. Slow down to get your life off the spin cycle. As you once may have thought that working non-stop and multi-tasking offered benefits, you might be happy to learn that slowing down comes with real benefits. In fact, among the benefits gained from living a slower life are:

  • Mindfulness – As you slow down your life, you might become more present. You might become more aware of your thoughts and emotions.
  • Clarity – Becoming more mindful can yield clarity. Instead of feeling conflicted and overwhelmed, “knowing what to do now” might arise within you more. This, in turn, could lead to better decisions and a more satisfying life.
  • Improved Relationships – The better you feel, the better you may treat the people in your life. Another choice that you might make is to decide to actively listen to people who you’re communicating with.
  • Less Stress – When you slow down your life, you might take in deeper breaths without even thinking about doing so. This could improve your respiratory system. It could also help stabilize your blood pressure and reduce stress.

More Benefits of Slowing Down

Health Improvement – Should you decide to slow down, you might actually stop and just eat while you’re dining. Doesn’t matter if you’re dining alone at home or at a restaurant with friends or relatives. Focusing on eating alone could decrease the times that you binge eat or eat simply to rid yourself of an emotion.

Appreciation – Your internal appreciation meter could skyrocket after you slow down. In addition to appreciating your health, relationships, talents and environment, you might start to appreciate natural sounds around you. These sounds might have gone completely unnoticed by you while you were operating at a brutally fast pace.

Self-Esteem – Slowing down may help you to recognize progress that you have made. For the first time in a long time, you might actually see just how much progress you’ve made regarding parenting, a project, communication, your finances and your overall health.

Notice Your Progress

Admittedly, it might take a few attempts to slow down. Howbeit, as you start to notice benefits associated with living at a slower pace in one area of your life, you might choose to expand the practice across all areas of your life. And, instead of perceiving living at a fast pace as proof that you’re living a “good life”, you might start to associate living a “good life” with the quality of your relationships.

Here’s another hidden advantage associated with slowing down. Instead of multi-tasking, you might start working in teams more. You also might value everyday experiences, which could lead to deeper satisfaction.

Resources:

  1. Why Multitasking Doesn’t Work – Cleveland Clinic

Looking for Real Self-Help? Stop Lying to Yourself

Posted on by

By African American Books Author Denise Turney

close up portrait photo of woman needing self-help looking through window
Photo by Marcelo Chagas on Pexels.com

Keep lying to yourself and it’s going to be hard, if not impossible, for you to win. It’s also going to be hard for you to live a joyous life. But you may already know that. You might already know how critical it is that you stop lying to yourself. The trick is, simply knowing that may not stop you from telling yourself lies. So, how can you get free?

Why You Lie To Yourself

As unfortunate as it is, there are reasons why you might lie to yourself. Top of the list of reasons has to do with the fact that you may not like what you see evolving in your life. That or you might not like what you see right in front of you. For example, you might not like the fact that your clothes are fitting tighter, that you get out of breath after walking just one flight of stairs or that you’ve been quick tempered with your friends.

In that case, you could lie to yourself and tell yourself that you aren’t gaining weight, are as fit as you’ve always been and are the nicest, most patient person you know. Additionally, you might lie to yourself because you don’t want to deal with a situation or because you don’t want to make a decision.

If you believe that you suffered from the last few decisions that you made, you might lie to yourself and tell yourself that all is well just to avoid having to make a decision. Early childhood trauma could also turn you off to change. This happened with me after my mom transitioned. Little did I know how much I associated change with my mother transitioning, as if she had to transition each time I was faced with a major change.

Stop Lying to Yourself and Let Truth Surface

It was during parts work that this was revealed to me. Am I ever glad that this practice entered my conscious awareness. During other blog articles right here at Chistell.com, I go into parts work and how associating change with my mom’s transitioning had affecting me for decades and in ways that I had no clue about.

This leads to another point. Not only can you lie to yourself, you can lie to yourself and not even know that you’re lying to yourself. However, if you practice awareness, you’ll eventually know that something is off.

For instance, you might feel like you’re moving in circles or you might feel like, despite your best efforts, you’re not moving forward. So, let’s explore lying to yourself further. It’s so worth it, especially if it helps you to pump the brakes and stop lying to yourself.

Are Your Practicing Cognitive Dissonance?

At its core, a psychological term known as “cognitive dissonance” is behind the reason why we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves untruths,” shared Mental Help.1 Tricky as it may sound, there are internal clues that alert us to the fact that we are out of alignment.

Here’s what Mental Help says, “When we experience cognitive dissonance, we feel an uncomfortable tension between who we believe we are and how we are behaving.” The theory for cognitive dissonance was made by Leon Festinger. The theory suggests that, “we have an inner drive to hold all our attitudes and beliefs in harmony and avoid disharmony (or dissonance).”

Here’s another example that may put better light on cognitive dissonance. “Cognitive dissonance explains many of our everyday actions. The person who steals from his employer but tells himself that he is underpaid and deserves the extra is twisting the interpretation of his behavior in order to still feel he is okay as a human being is another good example.”1

Exploring Why You Lie To Yourself

Other reasons why you might lie to yourself could be because you feel special or over confident. In other words, you might feel as if you’re better than you actually are at a task. That, or you might feel like you deserve to get whatever it is that you want. In this event, you could lie to yourself and tell yourself that something wrong you did isn’t really wrong.

Let someone else do the very same thing and you’d easily see the behavior as wrong. Regarding over confidence, Psychology Today shares that, “Unrealistic optimism can have significant health consequences. Psychologist Loren Nordgren (2009) found that among a group of people trying to quit smoking, the ones who gave especially high ratings to their own willpower were most likely to fail.”2

Denial is another strong reason why you might lie to yourself. This was briefly covered earlier in this article. When it comes to denial, you lie to yourself because there’s something that you do not want to face. Yet, if you don’t face it, the situation may likely never change for the better.

Stopping The Art Of Denial

To put it another way, Psychology Today says, “Denial is a psychological defense we all use against external realities to create a false sense of security. Denial can be a protective defense in the face of unbearable news (e.g., cancer diagnosis). In denial, people say to themselves, “This is not happening.” For instance, alcoholics insist they have no drinking problem.”

Those are some reasons why you may lie to yourself. Now, how can you stop lying to yourself?

For starters, practice awareness. Actually become aware of what you are thinking, feeling and doing. It’s not about judgment. Your value and worth will never change, because of what created you. While practicing awareness, be completely honest.

Again, your value and your worth are beyond words. You are worth more than you can ever imagine. That won’t change. However, if you want to live a joyous life, you have to become aware of what you’re doing, thinking and feeling and take ownership of your life.

Now Is Always The Time To Be Honest

Honesty is a part of this. At the end of each day, do a review of the day. Could take as little as two minutes. Reflect on what you did, how you felt and how you treated yourself and others. Acknowledge ways that you could have been a better communicator, active listener, leader or supporter, etc.

Start your morning with routines that strengthen honesty, trust and appreciation within you. As an example, you could start your morning with a word of “Thanks” and speak out loud three to five facts about your life or experiences that you appreciate. Also, be honest and talk with a trustworthy friend about experiences you don’t like.

Keeping a journal or spreadsheet that details your dreams, concerns, successes and desires are other ways to become aware of what’s going on inside your mind. Continue to practice awareness and see if you don’t start to make better decisions and experience a more fulfilling life, see if you don’t gain courage and stop lying to yourself.

Resources:

  1. hhttps://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/why-we-lie-to-ourselves/#:~:text=A%20Psychological%20term%20known%20as,and%20how%20we%20are%20behaving.&text=She%20held%20a%20belief%20that%20good%20people%20do%20not%20have%20affairs.
  2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-choice/201708/the-many-ways-we-lie-ourselves