Monthly Archives: July 2020

Can Adults Really Heal from Childhood Trauma?

Posted on by

By African American Books Author Denise Turney

Childhood trauma and abuse broken heart
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Nevit Dilmen

Childhood trauma, also referred to as adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), occurs to children from all backgrounds. Moving beyond childhood trauma can require years of inner work. In fact, the process of healing can be grueling. But it’s so worth it.

Childhood Trauma Types

Bullying, sexual abuse, domestic violence, grief and medical trauma are types of childhood trauma. Other types of childhood trauma include terrorism, war, violence in communities that children live in and verbal and emotional abuse. School shootings is an example of community violence.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent, a parent with a drug addiction or mental illness could put a child at risk of experiencing trauma. Parents with untreated psychological, addiction or emotional illnesses may engage in domestic violence, bullying, verbal and emotional abuse and/or sexual abuse against their children. If they don’t directly engage in the abuses, they might tolerate another person abusing their children.

More Trauma Types

Additionally, if children live with their abusers (e.g. parents, older siblings), they may be afraid to address or tell anyone about the abuse. This could complicate the way that children process what is happening. Should children blame themselves for the abuse, it could create a spiral effect of guilt, shame and negative emotional or behavioral response.

Clearly, not all childhood trauma involves abuse. Examples of these traumatic events include repeatedly being rushed to the hospital due to a recurring illness or disease and grief or losing a sibling or parent. Regardless of the type of childhood trauma, the sooner the trauma is identified and healed, the better.

Effects of childhood trauma can be lasting. It’s critical to stop, identify and heal trauma early, absolutely as soon as possible. A Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser study found that ACEs are linked to depression, anxiety, suicide, PTSDs, chronic disease, maternal health and risky behavior.

Overcoming Childhood Trauma

More than 38% of the participants in the CDC-Kaiser study had a college degree or higher. Education is not a sure barrier against trauma. Addressing trauma early is key to healing. It is also key to preventing trauma from progressing and moving from one generation to another.

Express your feelings, thoughts and images about childhood trauma as soon as you are aware of the experience. If you’re an adult, the awareness may come through dreams, emotions, images or words that keep “popping” up in your mind.

Until you feel safe to share your experience and emotions with others, consider journaling about the experience. You could also write a letter to your younger self. Share how much you love and support yourself.

Allow yourself to express emotions that surface. Healing is the act of releasing past trauma. Group therapy could offer a safe environment, perhaps helping to push emotions to the surface so that you can look at the emotions in a safe environment and release them.

Getting to Safety

Very Well Mind shares a process that you may find helpful. Included among these steps and other healing actions are:

  • Connect with other people in a safe, healing way
  • Find a safe, structured environment where you can openly express your emotions. Allow different parts of yourself to surface (e.g. judgmental, compassionate, wounded child).
  • Love all of yourself. Accept all parts of your psyche.
  • Fully feel and sense what occurred. It may help to work through trauma with a licensed therapist.
  • Stay free of comparing your trauma with anyone else’s trauma or challenges. You are unique, lovable you.
  • Write down emotions, thoughts and images that surface.
  • Ask the Creator for help and receive the help.
  • Forgive yourself for harboring ill feelings and negative thoughts about yourself.
  • Move. Get outside and move, taking walks, jogging, hiking, etc.
  • Help another child should you become aware of another child who is going thru the trauma that you experienced.
  • Be patient with yourself. Continue to do the work until you are free of the trauma. Do the work even if it takes decades. You’re so worth it!

Ongoing Support

Be patient with yourself. Overcoming childhood trauma could take decades. But it may only take weeks to start experiencing the positive effects of the inner work. This good work may help you should you experience an emergency and need to make quick, smart decisions.

It is my hope that Love Pour Over Me will also help you as you work through childhood trauma. Love Pour Over Me tells the fictionalized story of a talented athlete who was abandoned by his mother and left to be raised by an abusive father who has untreated alcoholism.

Resources:

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/acestudy/about.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64896/

10 Ways to Heal From Trauma (verywellmind.com)

How to Get on the Other Side of Grief

Posted on by

By Books Author Denise Turney

woman on floor by bathtub dealing with other side of grief
Wikimedia Commons

Loss of a loved one can knock the wind out of you. And each loss is new, different from any other loss you’ve experienced. So, be kind to yourself. Perhaps more importantly, be infinitely patient with yourself. This cannot be stressed too much. To get on the other side of grief, you’re going to have to be patient with yourself.

Patience and How Other People Respond to Grief

Another thing, don’t let anyone tell you how you should be responding to what you are dealing with. It may not seem like it. But change, loss and trauma are major scares for people. Because of this, some people might try to push you through grief.

Others may work hard to get you to disassociate or repress. Why? Seeing changes in you may remind them of a trauma or unwanted event. Therefore, it may bring them comfort to see you unchanged. But that’s not how you get on the other side of grief.

Instead of repressing or disassociating, to get on the other side of grief, accept what is. This is important. As you move through grief, you may experience instances when life in this world feels surreal. That’s not all. There may be instances when you experience forgetfulness. You might even think that the person you’re grieving is still here.

Advice to Get on the Other Side of Grief

There’s no one step that fits every grief situation. But these steps can help you to start the healing process:

  • Understand that you won’t always feel this great loss
  • You can get on the other side of grief even if you think you’ll always feel crushed by the experience
  • Seek the support of others.
  • Commit to visiting family and friends (even when you feel flat)
  • Let good friends help and loving relatives come over and sit with you
  • Stay clear of judging yourself or others
  • Avoid setting expectations for how you think others should respond to you while you’re grieving. Believe it or not, they are dealing with the change too.
  • Join a grief discussion group. For example, you could join a private online grief support group. Make sure the group is moderated and professionally managed. As with other things, avoid giving out private details online or offline.
  • Attend counseling sessions with a licensed, experienced counselor as needed

More Ways to Get on the Other Side of Grief

Did I already say – be infinitely patient with yourself? You may go through more forward and backward steps than you can count before you get on the other side of grief (however, the change you’ve experienced may leave you permanently different). You’ll definitely learn about self-patience. While you’re being patient with yourself, also:

  • Write your loved one a letter for as long as you feel you need to. For example, you could write a loved one every day then once a week then once a month for as long as you find it beneficial.
  • Look at your loved one’s picture. Cry if you want to.
  • No repressing – It doesn’t make you a heroine; repressing just prolongs the pain.
  • Do something that you enjoy every day
  • Meditate
  • Get outdoors (sit on the porch, go for a walk or bike ride, etc.)
  • Listen to music that you love
  • Tell yourself that everything is open to change. You’re not stuck.

Also, try new things. When my mom transitioned when I was only seven years old, I didn’t know what “death” was. Today, I don’t believe in death because I know that we’re not bodies. Anyhow, back then, I thought that my mom had chosen something else over me and my siblings.

You Can Get on the Other Side of Grief

It was tough wrapping my head around this thing that people call “death” when I was just a kid. Years would pass before I realized that I associated change with my mom passing (or leaving).

I didn’t think that anything could be as hard as dealing with my mom transitioning. I was wrong. Between my mom’s transition and my paternal grandmother’s transition, I’d experience many other people leaving their bodies.

But, when my grandmother had a stroke (which came four years before she transitioned), I thought that it would take me out. You see, my paternal grandmother was like a mom to me. I’d grown up with her love. Fast forward a few years and my father was preparing to transition. You couldn’t have made me believe that his transition wouldn’t end my physical experience.

When my dad transitioned, inner advice came through, directing me to see people being “born” and “dying” as if people are coming in and out of an airport. People don’t cease to exist just because I can’t see them. Nor do they cease to exist because I miss them. I received similar inner guidance via a dream several years later.

Dealing with Deep Grief

As tough as my dad’s transition was, I got on the other side of grief again. But nothing prepared me for my son’s transition. Thank the Creator, my inner Self went to work, putting healing practices in place immediately. It was as if something unseen was guiding me.

I joined an online grief support group, sought professional counseling and started writing my son letters (which I still do to this day). Fortunately, my family didn’t busy themselves telling me how to grieve. It took two years to feel like I could stand up.

In between, I went to work, started writing on a novel, kept introducing readers to my books Long Walk Up, Portia, Love Pour Over Me, Spiral and Love Has Many Faces. I also went to the theater and went out to eat. But I’ll never be the same and I know it. Grief can change you. But you can open up to a new way of perceiving if you keep going and get on the other side of grief. Am I ever rooting for you!

Help Lines

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ – National Suicide Hotline

https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help – Mental Health.Gov

7 Blessings You Should Start Receiving

Posted on by

By Fiction Author Denise Turney

7 blessings with apple tree blossoms picture
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by George Chernilevsky

Here are 7 blessings you should never talk yourself out of receiving. Opening up to these blessings, deep gifts, can shield you from burnout and pessimism. This goodness offers hope, motivation and inspiration, holding out a light.

Turn Regrets into Inspiration

First, you must be willing to receive these 7 blessings. After all, just because you desire goodness, doesn’t mean that you are ready to receive it. For instance, how often have you talked yourself out of doing what you know, what you absolutely know, you should do?

So, before you consider these gifts, check out the following top regrets people have before they exit their bodies. See if they surprise you:

  • The first thing that people in hospice share that they regret is holding their true feelings back
  • People also regret falling out of touch with family and friends
  • Caring too much what others think makes the list
  • Worrying is another regret to let go
  • Taking life for granted
  • Living in the past or the future, and not living in the present
  • Not living their “true” life

7 Blessings to Never Talk Yourself Out of Receiving

Sound familiar? Fortunately, it’s not too late to shift. In fact, there’s still time to turn regrets into inspiration. Start doing what you love, what causes you to feel joy. Free yourself of the belief that being “busy” means you’re fulfilled. Choose to slow down, enjoy life and be happy. And stop talking yourself out of these 7 blessings:

  • Go after what you really want. Take off the brakes. Launch that business, career, relationship, hobby, travel excursion, creative endeavor, etc. that you really want to sink your teeth into. This isn’t about being delusional or chasing clouds that will never have rain. It’s about doing the thing that’s rooted in love, the very thing you’ve wanted to do for months, perhaps years, but kept talking yourself out of.
  • Say “I Love You”. Let the desire to express your love for a friend or relative override your desire to play it safe and hide how you feel.
  • Start your day with motivational quotes and success statements. It may take a few days, but you can turn positive motivational quotes into a rewarding daily habit. Try standing in front of a mirror and speaking success quotes out loud. See how it makes you feel.

Let Yourself Receive More of These 7 Blessings

  • Visit exotic, faraway places. Instead of talking yourself out of that international or cross-country trip that you’ve dreamed about, start saving for the trip.
  • Exercise and eat to be healthy. Regardless of your weight, you can start working to be healthy. If you need weight loss motivation or the drive to get moving and exercise, consider what it would feel like to have the flu every day for the rest of your physical experience. Some diseases feel that badly. Let yourself see the contrast. Love yourself and choose good health habits.
  • Spend time with family and friends. These are people who you might think will always be there, so you don’t believe you really need to keep in touch with them. If this were only true. People enter and exit this world quicker than we expect. So, treat yourself to the company of friends and family.
  • Love yourself. This is a huge lesson that Raymond Clarke has to learn in Love Pour Over Me. It takes him decades, so many close calls. Hopefully, your path to self-love is much easier. You might find Raymond’s journey inspiring and motivating.

Finding the motivation to live your true, best life starts with Number 7. You really do need to love yourself. And, in order to love yourself, you have to get to know the real YOU. As you pursue this journey, be patient.

Daily Motivation Tips

Here are other tips that could do more than offer you inspiration and motivation, shielding you from a life filled with regret. These tips could help you to love yourself to the point where you stop talking yourself out of receiving love, what you really want to do and out of living your own true life.

For starters, do at least three things that you love each day. For example, you could relish in a warm bubble bath, read an engaging novel or treat yourself to an outdoor walk or bike ride. Also, connect with a relative or friend once a week, preferably in person.

And get enough sleep at night. Drink plenty of fresh water and eat a healthy diet of leafy greens, fruits and vegetables, whatever your body receives best. Journaling, singing and dancing are other daily motivation activities. And, of course, if you love being creative – definitely engage in at least one creative activity a day.

It takes a healthy dose of inner love to stop talking yourself out of these 7 blessings. Today, give yourself that gift. As it did for Raymond in Love Pour Over Me, doing so might not only change your life for the better. It might change the lives of those around you.

Resources

  1. What Do People Regret The Most Before They Die? (lifehack.org)

What Is It About Portia, An Inspiring, Progressive Teacher’s Daughter

Posted on by

By African American Books Author Denise Turney

portia math teachers board work
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Daniel

Portia is another example of how much a daughter needs her mother’s love, especially during life’s crossroads. Portia’s mother is a teacher, a career where leaders inspire. But she doesn’t just teach, she implements progressive ideas at home and at school, opening her family and students to greater goodness.

Portia – Memories of a Great Inspiring Teacher

When I look back over my childhood and consider adults who I admired, people who I wanted to be pleased with me, my third-grade teacher definitely comes to mind. My third-grade schoolteacher was caring, thoughtful, smart and sharp.

She really cared about the students she taught. After my mother passed, there were times when I wished that my third-grade schoolteacher was my substitute mom.

My third-grade teacher was an inspiring, progressive woman, not unlike Portia’s mother. Just being around my third-grade teacher made me believe that amazing possibilities were open for me as a woman, and this at a time when women were perceived to be weaker than men.

Portia’s Mother, Inspiring Progressive Teacher

Portia’s mother is a prominent Chicago schoolteacher. Her husband was active in the civil rights movement, working the frontlines to improve communities and the country. Her students trust her so much that they seek her out for guidance and support.

“Try harder,” Portia’s mother encourages her students, inspiring them to reach beyond the break, to do more than they believe they can do. “Deep down, you know you can do amazingly good, awesome deeds,” she’d tell her students, further inspiring them.

“If people tell you that you can’t do something, remember that they are only telling you what they think they can or can’t achieve,” she’d continue. “And I know you. Because I know you, I believe in you.” After a pause, Portia’s mother would tell her students, “I know that you can do any good thing.”

Teachers Are Inspirational Mothers

In those and other ways, she was so much like my third-grade teacher, always looking out for a child who wasn’t her own. That could be why some teachers are inspirational mothers. During the hardest experiences, times like the challenging COVID-19, teachers find a way.

It’s why, even after teaching in a classroom all day, Portia’s mother always has the energy to cover Portia and her siblings with love and care. Her work and her loving partnership with her husband allow Portia and her siblings to grow up in a courageous, happy family, a family that is an anchor in the community.

Portia grew up on Chicago’s South Side at a time when, around the United States, family was a stronger bond than a legal contract. Families looked out for each other. It’s part of the reason why Portia’s mother was such a fierce, loyal and loving mother.

Loving Roots Inspire

As a child, Portia doesn’t know how important her mother’s care will be to her future. It is her mother’s love that helps to give Portia the strength to keep going when she faces one of her life’s toughest challenges – breast cancer.

It’s this loving root that won’t let Portia’s story be depressing, even while it examines the challenges that she faces as she deals with breast cancer. Just as Portia’s mother’s students do, readers turn to the story to be inspired, encouraged and empowered. Read more about Portia in the self-titled book below.

Road To Success: Could You Be Missing Something?

Posted on by

By Books Writer Denise Turney

road to success with trees and a hill
Wikimedia Commons – Picture by Dfrg.msc

The road to success is paved with massive change. It could be why you might be delaying getting on the road, working to convince yourself that you’re satisfied with the routines, sometimes absolute ruts, that you find yourself in.

In fact, if you’re like me, as much as you may hate routine, it’s routine that helps you to feel like you’re in control. Fact is, it feels safe (cozy) to think that you’ve got all the bases covered, like you have all the hatches secured so that nothing can jump out at you and scare you.

Remove Success Blocks

It’s safe to think that you have examined every aspect of an experience you find yourself in. But what if you’re overlooking – simply missing – one of the biggest, most impactful components?

What if you’re not seeing something despite how long or how intently you’ve been searching? What if you’re missing a critical component because you simply don’t want to see it?

That single decision could set you back. So, how do you recognize and remove blind spots and deal with the unwillingness to accept what is? Here are a few tips that have worked for me. See how your thought system responds to these short, quick tactics and strategies. Then, consider opening to creativity and imagination so, you’ll feel sparks of inspiration as you get and stay on your life’s road to success.

  • Put it to paper:  For example, you could write a letter to the person who you wronged, sharing your feelings about each action that you took, the very actions that led you to regret and the heaviness of guilt.
  • Keep going. Revisit each guilt anchor until you no longer feel bound to past mistakes. Stay open. You might be prompted to call or visit the person who you wronged and ask for his forgiveness face-to-face. But consider starting out writing letters that you don’t mail. After all, you could have a guilty conscience. In other words, you may not have wronged anyone but only think that you did.
  • Sharpen your imagination. Take 5 to 7 minutes a day to visualize yourself doing and enjoying what you want. See yourself doing and having what you want as if you are having the experience right now. To do this, add colors, sounds, scents and emotions to these imaginings.
  • Try something new every day. For example, you could eat a different lunch, travel a different route to or from work, volunteer with a different charity or shower in the morning instead of taking a bubble bath at night.

More Steps To Remove Success Blocks

  • Read books that impress how easy it is to receive miracles. These books may focus on the power of your imagination, your emotional guidance system or the power of your subconscious mind.
  • Accept cues. Allow yourself to accept inner messages that tell you that you’ll soon receive what you want.
  • Trust your One True Self. Therefore, you’ll listen to inner guidance and inner promptings and take actions that your One True Self guides you to take.
  • Stay clear. Instead of giving meaning to experiences that you have, stay clear. After all, you may not really know why events occur. Stay focused and keep going.
  • Get outside In nature. In fact, there may be few better ways to get in balance.
  • Meditate. In other words, practice stilling your mind.
  • Drink plenty of water. Drinking water is a great way to flush your physical system.
  • Eat a healthy natural diet. Of course, all is connected. Therefore, building and maintaining a healthy body can have a positive impact on other areas of your experience.
  • Accept what is. In other words, accept experiences as they occur. Don’t tell yourself that you aren’t experiencing what you are. For example, don’t tell yourself that you’re not being abused if your partner pushes and curses you. Don’t tell yourself that you didn’t do well to dig out of debt after you pay off $10,000 of debt.
  • Journal. Capture your experiences. Watch how they change. This could encourage you to avoid creating blind spots or refusing to see what’s right in front of you.
  • Freestyle write. This exercise could help you to catch thought patterns and routines that might be holding you back.

Pursue Road to Success Dreams for a Lifetime

By refusing to look at what you don’t want to deal with, you can set yourself up for unexpected delays, which is why this may be the perfect time to take another look at your life. Look at your thought patterns, imaginings, fears, guilt anchors and decisions.

As with other challenges, it may help to start small. Also, be open to change. Trust your higher Self. Be willing to incorporate a new thought into your mental system. Catch yourself when you’re tempted to erupt in anger when changes occur (e.g. you drive into traffic jams, you get lost, unexpected weather storms abruptly change your plans).

Also, see and actually feel yourself doing what it is you’re passionate about. Give yourself room to make mistakes. Remember, the road to success is rarely straight. Instead, the road to success is built with twists, turns, valleys and peaks. Even more, the success road is joyous and exciting because it’s filled with surprises.

Resources:

(8) 10 Steps to Achieving Success in Life | LinkedIn